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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The most UNIQUE ONLINE HUMOR around! Cards, games, pictures, and tons more; it's all Wicked Funny! VISIT: http://www.wickedfunny.com He's the biggest little Booger on the Internet! Join the 100's of thousands BoogerWorm Fans :) VISIT: http://www.boogerworm.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 15, No. 02 April 30th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 43,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + General Jokes + Fishing Jokes + JFK Jokes + Beer Jokes + Career Jokes + Bad Jokes + Aussie Jokes + Sexist Jokes + Redneck Jokes + Medical Jokes + WalMart Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! Enjoy the jokes - this week's are top quality! And if you have time, please take a look at http://www.wickedfunny.com and especially the BoogerWorm! As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.jokeemail.com ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Mike Tyson Bites Again! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050520 ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The manager of ladies' dress shop realised it was time to give one of her sale clerks a 'pep talk'. "Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go." "I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?" "Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorise it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results." Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked. Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' " "'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?" "Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me she has the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week... the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying!" "Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?" Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit?'" +=- Fishing Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?" +=- JFK Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Well, like every other employee with internet access, I spend a lot of my "working" time surfing the web. This is normally not a problem, but I was following links on the Internet Movie Database (quick! how many steps from Danny Devito to JFK!) when I suddenly burst out laughing and fell out of my chair, much to the amusement of my cubicle- neighbours. Under JFK's page on IMDB, instead of a photograph, they have a small generic filler icon and text that reads "No headshot available" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Funny Picture: Old Hearse http://www.jokes-central.com/pictures/funeralcar.html Funny Picture: Chinese Apology http://www.jokes-central.com/pictures/weapologize.html Funny Sound: Crying Midterm Failure http://www.jokes-central.com/songs/cryingmidtermfailure.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- Beer Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hangover Ratings: Does any of this sound somewhat familiar? => 1 star hangover * No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries. => 2 star hangover ** Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. => 3 star hangover *** Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke watching Good Morning America. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once. => 4 star hangover **** Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. => 5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) ***** You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently. -From O Neildo +=- Career Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** My company did not pick the best day to perform layoffs when it did so yesterday. It just happened to coincide with Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Take your kids to work and allow them to experience real life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Surely the RUDEST site on the Net.!!!! ** Play a Joke on a Friend, Sex Jokes, Men and Women Jokes Lepers, blondes, Farts, dunnies and lots more. http://www.WRIGGLERS.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- Bad Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Because Shakespeare was so deeply absorbed during the writing of his tragedies, he put almost impossible strains on his bladder. To make matters even worse, the tiny hooks and eyes that his tailor had placed on his pants slowed down the process considerably. So the playwright demanded that the tailor make larger hooks and eyes. After a few days of trial, the Bard reported back, "Truly it's speedier these larger hooks and eyes, but still and all, when I'm in a hurry, it's not quick enough. So I want you to redesign my trousers using leather ties." The tailor did exactly as he was told and Shakespeare jumped into the pants without delay. Exactly one week later, however, the playwright was back at his door. "Truly the leather straps are faster than those hooks and eyes, but even so it's still too slow. So I propose that you throw away the straps and just cut me a little hole." The tailor bounced to his feet. "You ask for hooks, I give you hooks. You ask for straps, I give you straps. But holes? Holes! You of all people ought to know that . . . there's no holes, Bard!" +=- Aussie Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man went into a hospital and said "I want to speak with an Irish accent" "That's not a problem", replied the surgeon, "but we have to remove 25% of your brain to do this" "That's OK" said the man, and signed the consent form. Later on the man woke up to see the surgeon standing over him. "I'm really sorry", said the surgeon, "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake. The forms were filled out incorrectly and we removed all BUT 25% of your brain" The man thought about this for a while and replied: "No worries mate, fair dinkum. We'll chuck another shrimp on the barbie, have a few tinnies and soon forget about it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUNNY PICTURES! Stay on your knees, Woman! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050547 Why Worm your Dog? http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050554 WebTV Sucks! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050536 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn => His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser. =>C:\Downloads\Porn C:\Downloads\Porn\July C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03 C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03\10PM-11PM => Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing." => He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries. => Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee. => You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas. => As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday. +=- Medical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. "What for?" asked his colleague. "About $6,000." "What did he have?" "About $6,000." +=- WalMart Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Bargain Hunters, Keep your eyes open! ASSOCIATED PRESS RELEASE PLANT CITY, FL (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item-Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I., "There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy," she said, "....the right name is important." The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine: 15. Box O' Grapes 14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide 13. White Trashfindel 12. Big Red Gulp 11. Grape Expectations 10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays" 9. NASCAR Bernet 8. Chef Boyardeaux 7. Peanut Noir 6. Blue Light Special Nun 5. Chateau des Shitface 4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. World Championship Wriesling And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine... 1. Nasti Spumante +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles seductively, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. He returns about an hour later, all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! Roses are red, Violets are...http://uGRIN.com/?118-243 Anal Exams due?? http://uGRIN.com/?118-240 12 Fingers?? http://uGRIN.com/?118-239 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
