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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU CAN WATCH MY SECOND FILM, "A FUNNY SHOW WITH A BIT OF NUDITY" Adult humor, 26 minutes long. Watch thousands of other films free. Just click on the line below. http://www.ifilm.com/ifilm/skeletons/film_detail/0,1263,635018,00.html If you like this film please vote for it. I need it to get rated just a little bit higher to get it back on the top 20 list where it was before. I have put my heart and soul and a fair bit of money into this film and know that I won't get my money back. What I do want is to have it get back on the top 20 list and have more people see it so that I might get feedback and favorable reviews. This will be my reward for all my time and expense. Any help you can give me will be much appreciated. Please email others about it if you can. Thank you very much!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 15, No. 02 April 30th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 42,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + Toy Jokes + Career Jokes + Foreign Jokes + Dot Com Jokes + Beer Jokes + Life Jokes + $$$ Jokes + Sexist Jokes + Redneck Jokes + More Foreign Jokes + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! I've had a great week, but now I'm back at University and my exams loom large. I have about 10 tough exams so unfortunately I'm going to be very busy for about the next month. Don't worry about Joke Email though! - I'll still send you the funniest jokes every Monday! However, I will have less time for the website and replying to emails, so please bear with us over the next month. Once the exams are out of the way, I have a LOT of great new sites and ideas that you'll be the first to see and hear about! On a different note, we have a new advertiser this week! Steve Cosmic produces comedy films and he'd like to get his new film "A Funny Show with a bit of nudity" back into the top 20 at ifilm.com. Take a look at the film and give it a vote! http://www.ifilm.com/ifilm/skeletons/film_detail/0,1263,635018,00.html As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.jokeemail.com ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Tiger Woods has sold out! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050498 ===== +=- Toy Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** I had the rare opportunity to eat lunch with my wife, my 3 year old and my infant daughter yesterday. Of course, the choice of eating establishments was based on the current toys being offered. David (the 3 yr old) just *had* to go to Burger King to get a "Toy Story" toy. Each of the drink glasses has a different character from the movie on it. David got a small drink featuring one of the lesser known characters. My wife had a medium drink with the high-tech spaceman called "Buzz Lightyear". I had a large with the low-tech wooden cowboy named Woody. As I approached the table carrying my drink, David exclaimed (in a very loud voice): "Look Dad, you've got a Woody!!!" -Anon +=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Top 10 Reasons To Become A Nurse 1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good. 2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms. 3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive. 4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually. 5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases. 6. Interesting aromas. 7. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting. 8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world. 9. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends....at work. 10. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them. +=- Foriegn Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** There was an Englishman, Irishman and a Chinaman all dead waiting to go to heaven. God comes out and says "sorry we are very busy at the moment and we can only take people who past a test" They all reply "what is the test" God says "see that stone over there... you have to lift it above your head. if you lift it... your in" The Englishman goes first and lifts it straight above his head. Then goes the irishman, and lifts it also then goes the Chinaman, he huffs, he squeezes but he just can't lift the stone. God says "you are the weakest chink... Goodbye" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~FREE JOKES AND HILARIOUS PICTURES!~~~ http://www.HighSchoolHumor.com ~~~FREE BRITNEY SPEARS SECRET PHOTO!~~~ http://www.highschoolhumor.com/pictures/celebrities/1.htm ~~~THE FUNNIEST SITE FOR TEENS ON THE NET!~~~ AOL Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- DOT COM Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** On the April 21 Prairie Home Companion host Garrison Keillor said that Minneapolis and St. Paul had solved the Mississippi River flood problem: We just listed it on NASDAQ as "Mississippi.com" and it dropped immediately. +=- Beer Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The Top 13 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend 13) You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile. 12) Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 11) Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 10) For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 9) Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 8) For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the *car*. 7) You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 6) Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 5) Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 4) The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3) Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2) Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend... 1) You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] +=- Life Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ WORDS TO LIVE BY: Sometimes you are sad ........ and no one sees you cry. Sometimes you are happy..and no one sees you smile, but the times you fart..trust me.. people smell that shit. -From Deanna Lanham ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attention, internet users: the Funny Looking Net People Gallery is now accepting visitors to its collection of strange and scary pictures of people online. It's amazing! Bewildering! Gross! And it's free! Visit today: http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- $$$ Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Cash definitions ACCOUNTANT, n. [1] a person you hire to explain why you didn't make the money you're sure you did. ADVERTISING, n. [1] the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it AMERICA, n. [1] a country so rich we have the best politicians that money can buy BANK, n. [1] a place where you keep the government's money until the IRS calls for it; [2] an institution where you put your money so that it will be available when other people want it; [3] a place where they will lend you an umbrella in fair weather -- but want it back when it rains {Robert Frost} BANK, DRIVE-IN, n. [1] an institution invented by the financial community to allow the real owner of your car to get to see it once in a while BANKER, n. [1] a person who is a success up until he loses interest BARGAIN HUNTER, n. [1] a wife who is always saving more money than her husband can afford BAROQUE, n. [1] a French term for "I have no money" BOAT, n. [1] a wood-lined hole in the water into which you pour your money BUDGET, n. [1] a home accounting system which allows a family to pay as you go -- as long as you don't go anywhere; [2] the mathematical confirmation of our darkest suspicions; [3] a precise method for going broke by the numbers; [4] what you can stay within by doing without; [5] fiscal self-flagellation; [6] a mathematical system devised to remind yourself that you can't afford the kind of living you've grown accustomed to; [7] for the average family, it is made up of a little money and a lot of estimates; [8] a financial program dedicated to preventing part of the month being left at the end of your money; [9] a detailed record of how you managed to spend more than you earned -- each month COLLATERAL, n. [1] something never required when you borrow trouble; [2] verifiable proof that you already have in hand all the money you need to borrow COUNTERFEITER, n. [1] the only person who doesn't lose money on bad bills; [2] a man who is always forging ahead in life; [3] a rare individual who has no problem making money -- only how to spend it CREDIT, n. [1] the stock and trade of people who are too timid to steal and too proud to beg; [2] when hard to get, is because either the man is not known -- or because he is; [3] a modern financial process which allows us to spend money we haven't earned on things we don't need to impress people we don't like CREDIT CARDS, n. [1] have divided America into two classes: those who have the latest household gadgets, and those who pay cash; [2] the modern version of fools gold; [3] are a convenience which allow us to accumulate more debts from more places, more easily CREDITOR, n. [1] the one person who, in adversity, sticks by you closer than a friend ECONOMICS, n. [1] a so-called science which deals with life's two greatest problems: (1) how to make money, and (2) how to get along without it; [2] the only academic field where two people can get the Nobel prize for proposing opposite theories; [3] a discipline which is governed by some laws that do not apply to the feminine gender -- a woman without principle *always* draws interest ECONOMISTS, n. [1] a group of people who, if laid end to end, couldn't reach a conclusion; [2] a band of educated men and women who define and codify the laws of greed; [3] ambidextrous individuals who are always saying "...on the other hand;" [4] people who firmly believe that they are needed by the poor to tell them that they are; [5] practical scientists who have developed a complex system which allows them to see tomorrow why the things that they predicted yesterday didn't happen today; [6] people who work with numbers but lack the personality to be accountants ECONOMY, n. [1] a fool's goal -- and he will pay any price to get it EXPENSE ACCOUNT, n. [1] a system which allows you to squander money before the government gets a chance to do it for you EXPENSES, n. [1] are really not hard to meet -- they're everywhere FINANCE, n. [1] modern civilisation's art of passing currency from hand to hand until it multiplies at the top, slips through countless middle hands, and disappears from the bottom FINANCE COMPANIES, n. [1] loan wolves FINANCIER, n. [1] a pawnbroker with imagination; [2] a successful person who can earn money faster than his family can spend it GENTILITY, n. [1] that which is left over from rich forbears -- after the money is gone INFLATION, n. [1] when "dollars to donuts" changes from a phrase to an even bet; [2] is that time when a dollar saved is a quarter earned; [3] a situation where no one has enough money because we all have too much; [4] that financial situation which causes you to live in the lapse of luxury; [5] when the item you bought for five dollars costs ten dollars to be repaired; [6] the unique process of shrinking the dollar bill without changing its size; [7] the scourge of mankind -- how can civilisation continue to exist when the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?; [8] that period of history when its easier to earn money than a living; [9] the financial power that turns a nest egg into chicken feed; [10] that which makes balloons bigger and candy bars smaller; [11] a time when it is even a struggle to make only *one* end meet; [12] instead of not having the money you haven't, you have twice as much, but it's worth only one-half of what you haven't got now; [13] the only logical reason why you can't take it with you -- it all goes before you do MONEY, n. [1] the sixth sense, without which you cannot make complete use of the other five; [2] something which never made a fool out of anyone -- it just spotlights them; [3] is a great deal like sex -- when you haven't got any, that's all you think about, when you have plenty, you can think of other things; [4] does not talk -- it just goes without saying; [5] the most efficient labour-saving device ever invented; [6] the most egalitarian force in society. It confers power on whoever holds it; [7] that which you swap for what you think will make you happy; [8] a commodity which doesn't grow on trees - you have to beat the bushes for it; [9] the element in life which makes stupidity shine; [10] the poor man's credit card; [11] something that briefly brushes by you in its mad dash to Washington; [12] isn't everything -- it doesn't even cover expenses; [13] a strange commodity which, (1) if a man runs after it he is money-mad; (2) if he keeps it, he's a capitalist; (3) if he spends it, he's a playboy; (4) if he doesn't get it, he's a ne'er-do-well; (5) if he doesn't try to get it, he lacks ambition; (6) If he gets it without working for it, he's a parasite; (7) if he accumulates it after a lifetime of hard work, people call him a fool that never got anything out of real life. The only time he is appreciated is by his heirs; [14] something which doesn't always bring happiness. People with $10 million are generally no happier than another with $9 million; [15] specie which won't buy happiness, but will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem; [16] is simply a goal -- for the politician, it is power, for the liberal it is freedom, for the middle class it is stature, but for the poor -- it is everything; [17] a terrible master but makes an excellent servant {P.T. Barnum} RICH, n. [1] a condition you must be in if you want to enjoy the simple things in life; [2] a state of immorality attacked by the scriptures -- but it took the income tax to drive it home; [3] a condition, understood also by the poor, when you believe that God is on their side -- however, the rich *know it* RICH MAN, n. [1] a nice chap that employs a secretary, butler, valet, cook, laundress, and housekeeper -- while his poor cousin just has to do with a wife; [2] the one with the finest foods -- but the poor man always has the better appetite; [3] someone who may build a fine home -- but it's the wise man who marries his widow RICH PEOPLE, n. [1] in the observances of the church, are those who keep the feasts -- the poor, keep the fasts; [2] individuals who are not afraid to tell the sales clerk to show them something cheaper RICHES, n. [1] consist not in the extent of one's possessions, but in the smallness of one's wants SALARY, n. [1] a sum of money usually equal to one half of what you feel you're worth. SAVINGS, n. [1] are acquired quite easily -- all you have to do is keep too busy to spend your money; [2] resources which are like toothpaste in a tube -- easy to take out, but almost impossible to put back in. SPENDTHRIFT, n. [1] a person who considers it a sin to die rich; [2] one who considers living within your income a fate worse than debt; [3] is the "one" that two can live as cheaply as; [4] an unusual word: a one-word oxymoron; [5] a person who spends money like a lottery winner with a week to live SUBSIDY, n. [1] a formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it's a gift TAKE HOME PAY, n. [1] an amount of money which is called that because it is never big enough to go anywhere else with it TAX INCREASE, n. [1] an amount of money which is called "slight," when it costs you two hundred dollars a year -- while a "substantial tax *cut*" could save you up to 30 cents TAX RETURN, n. [1] an annual work of fiction whose authorship is not confined to writers TAXATION, n. [1] an art which consists of plucking the goose to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hiss; [2] a duty which, without representation, may have bothered the colonials but, looking back, it was a lot cheaper; [3] the government's form of spring cleaning; [4] a levy which, *without representation,* got Patrick Henry's dander up -- he should see how bad it is *with* representation TAXES, n. [1] a duty which applies to people who are not smart enough to start their own country; [2] a funding method which allows people to test their powers of deduction ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUNNY PICTURES! A Redneck Wedding… http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050636 Bill Gates Adopted This Kid! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050724 PMS ALERT! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050771 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Q. What is the difference between medium and rare? A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. **Q. Why don't men fake orgasm? A. Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose. **Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind. **Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch. +=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A. Kick his sister in the jaw. +=- More Foreign Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ **Q. Do you know how the Welsh practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï" Laughter is the Best Medicine Come see today's prescription at: http://www.TheJokeDoctor.com Or For regular prescriptions refills will deliver to your email every day. 365 days a year. eMail: subscribe@TheJokeDoctor.com "ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitute? A. Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A. Well-hung. Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: Did you here they have survivor 3 already planned? A: They are going to put OJ, 5 blondes and a butcher knife on an Island. Whoever survives wins. -From Pete Soloman +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championships and are favored to win the national competition easily. Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does the hair go?" She replies, "All the way down to my balls ....... ...... and that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about." -From Robert ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! Clinton Family Vacation http://uGRIN.com/?118-258 Homeboy Weapons Systems http://uGRIN.com/?118-257 New state Coin! http://uGRIN.com/?118-256 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
