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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*DISCOVER the TRUTH about Anyone! *~*~*~*~*~*~* Criminal records, unlisted phone numbers, FBI files and more! Grab your Instant Download Now: http://www.jokeemail.com/truth.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 15, No. 01 April 23rd, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 42,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + Topical Jokes + General Jokes + Bad Jokes + Beer Jokes + Geek Jokes + Religious Jokes + Lawyer Jokes + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! Could not believe the boxing on Saturday night! After looking at the matchup, I figured Rahman had a chance, and at 20-1 looked like a great bet. So I tried to get some money on him at 20-1, but the best odds I could find were a lousy 7-1. Figuring that the altitude may hurt Lennox after 5 rounds, I thought that Rahman had a chance in the 6th onwards, so I put £1 on a 6th, 7th, 8th, or 9th round stoppage- all at 125-1! So the fight starts, and it's looking like I was right - Lennox slowing down round after round, and Rahman looking better. But then - BAM! - big right knocks Lennox down... 37 SECONDS from the end of the 5th. Arrggh.... if only he'd got back up and hung on in for another 30 seconds.... ;-( Oh well, it was a great punch though, but I can't see Rahman holding the belts too long. Sorry "Rock", but when Lennox and Tyson train *properly*, he won't be champion for too long. Second item of business - our EXCLUSIVE MUG SHOT! To be honest, I haven't seen a police mugshot of this "A" list celebrity online.... until now that it! We have managed to wrangle a mugshot, and it will be going on Mugshots.net within the next 48 hours! Keep an eye on your email box, you'll receive a special email telling you all about it... Finally, this week's fantastic free offers from Cyber Rebate. Please, if you like an item, please buy it.... remember - it's totally FREE - even shipping is included. We get a small % of the price you pay, and you get totally free shopping - everyone's happy! I have a lot of friends who use Cyber Rebate, and they insist that it's the only way they'll shop now (after all, almost everything's free!) Browse at: http://www.jokeemail.com/cyberrebate.htm >> FREE 900 MHz Cordless Telephone With Headset http://www.jokeemail.com/cordless.htm >> FREE "Gladiator" DVD - starring Russell Crowe http://www.jokeemail.com/gladiator.htm As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.jokeemail.com ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Bill Clinton went to jail TODAY! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050602 ===== +=- Topical Jokes: US-China ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Dear China, We're sorry that you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our sympathy, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000. We're sorry that your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35 year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to consider purchasing some surplus 1950's era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan. (Who just replaced all theirs with shiny new F-16's) We're sorry that you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please take note of the Copyright information printed inside the cover.) We're sorry that you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know that it may seem easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in the Republic of China (Taiwan). We're especially sorry for treating you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a common untrustworthy street gang very soon. We're very sorry for ever granting you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Sincerely, The United States of America +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Fellow 1: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." Fellow 2: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" Fellow 1: "The judge told him." +=- Bad Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ***ATTENTION AOL USERS!*** Here is a special offer just for AOL Users, so you MUST use your AOL e-mail address for it to work! Increase your download speeds up to 100% faster! Click here to continue: http://www.qksrv.net/click-656783-171862 Continue ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- Beer Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 3." "A 3? How can you give her a 3?" says one of the three guys at the table. "She's a real pretty girl." The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women." The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5. "A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She's absolutely gorgeous!" The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women. "The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused. Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7. "A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She's gorgeous!" "Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women." "Budweiser!" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?" "Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her." +=- Geek Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** My husband, his best friend, and I were out to lunch the other day when his friend pulled out his new Visor (a Palm-based PDA) with the Cingular-based cellphone attachment. We were discussing the limitations of the phone, namely that it can send instant messages to Cingular and Verizon cellphones, but not Internet-based email. He was attempting to demonstrate using my Verizon phone as the recipient. "Ok, so what's your cell number?" he asked eagerly. After he tapped in the number and started composing a message, I realized something. "You know, we're sitting less than four feet away from each other. . . ." I remarked. "Yeah," my husband piped in. "You could just talk to each other." "No, no, no," I replied, opening my purse and taking out my Palm pilot. "I meant you could just beam it to me!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï" Laughter is the Best Medicine Come see today's prescription at: http://www.TheJokeDoctor.com Or For regular prescriptions refills will deliver to your email every day. 365 days a year. eMail: subscribe@TheJokeDoctor.com "ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï",¸¸,"ïÏï" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) +=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read: "Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved. First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C. All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental. WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question. DSBN 0-000000-0000-1 +=- Lawyer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREAT FUNNY PICTURES! Yoda is a little Drunk! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050611 Is the E-mail Up? http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050605 A Chat Room Meeting… http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050607 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around. 'Son number one - you shall be known as......' Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?' The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues, 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle' Son number one asks why. 'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree.' The peace pipe is passed to son number two. Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?' Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.' Son number two asks why. Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?' The chief replies, 'I will come to in turn my son.' The chief continues talking to son number two. 'Because you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.' The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three - you shall be known as Thrush.' Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?' 'Because my son.... you are an irritating c**t - the elders agree'. ** Online picture joke: Old people - you put them in an old people's home to die, and what do they get up to? Well.... take a look... http://www.jokeemail.com/dirty/dirty59.htm +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?" The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!" The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! Redneck Swimming Pool! http://uGRIN.com/?118-275 What a Night! http://uGRIN.com/?118-278 Just Hanging Out... http://uGRIN.com/?118-282 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
