|
JOIN! |
Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >>
|
|
|
||||||
| Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >> | ||||||||
| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey! Do you get it? America's joke, America's very own site of free clean jokes, games, and more! Have you ever heard a "boaj" joke? http://www.americasjoke.com/index.htm Or send a blank email here: subscribe-aj@lyris.boaj.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 10 April 16th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 41,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + Topical Jokes + Medical Jokes + Dating Jokes + Relgious Jokes + Topical Jokes + College Jokes + Sexist Joke + Rude Jokes + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! It's been a bank holiday here in the UK today so I figured that I'd send out Joke Email on Tuesday morning rather than Monday for once. I hope you all survived a Monday morning without the best jokes around! Mugshot Exclusive! - I'll give more details later in the week, but I have a real exclusive up my sleeve for Mugshots.net - a police mugshot of someone I'm sure you'll want to see. It's no where else online (as far as I can see....) I finally got around to checking out the stats for our free @JokeEmail.com email addresses. And it's great news! We now have over 1119 users of our free email service! You can still signup now for yours! Perhaps your work email address blocks what you send or you just need a new email account - try ours! And remember, a short clean joke is sent with every email you send to get everyone laughing... New poll has been set up at http://www.jokeemail.com .This week's amusing poll is the following: "Why did President Bush prolong China problem?" ... and the answers are: 1) To show China that US won't be bullied 2) To give VP Cheney some TV airtime before he croaks 3) Try to lose Jesse Jackson in China for a few weeks negoiating.. 4) To show Daddy *he* could start a conflict too... Please vote in the poll at http://www.jokeemail.com (it's in the bottom right corner!) I stopped running the Cyber Rebate freebies of the week a while ago because there were very few good things that were 100% free. Well, that has all changed now because they now have a load of amazing products - DVDs, CDs, PSX games, N64 Games, MP3 Players and many more *brand name* items - all with free shipping! Start browsing the massive selection of 100% free stock (after rebate) at http://www.jokeemail.com/cyberrebate.htm And this week's offers are fantastic! Totally free "WWF Warzone" on both the PSX and N64! >> FREE Playstation WWF WarZone http://www.jokeemail.com/psxwwf.htm >> FREE N64 WWF WarZone http://www.jokeemail.com/n64wwf.htm As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.jokeemail.com ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 AOL Users - Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Bush is Drunk Again! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050192 ===== +=- Topical Jokes: US-China ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** China today announced that they will release the 24 crewmembers of the U.S. spyplane which made an emergency landing in China. Both Chinese and U.S. officials strongly deny that the conclusion to this standoff is related to threats of sending Jesse Jackson to negociate the release. **Good news: The Chinese are releasing the EP-3's aircrew. Bad News: We're sending a V22 Osprey to get them. +=- Medical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???" The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you." The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is." The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?" The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords." The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?" The docs replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering." The guy says, "Dddo it!" The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!" The doc replies, "Nnnnope. Addddeal's a ddddeal!" +=- Dating Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Signs You Had A Bad First Date 1)Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother. 2) You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her. 3) When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. 4) You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole. 5) Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system. 6) You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin. 7) At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic. 8) She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut. 9) You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno. 10)At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill. 11) You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh. 12)She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan. 13) She is better hung than you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~FREE JOKES AND HILARIOUS PICTURES!~~~ http://www.HighSchoolHumor.com ~~~FREE BRITNEY SPEARS SECRET PHOTO!~~~ http://www.highschoolhumor.com/pictures/celebrities/1.htm ~~~THE FUNNIEST SITE FOR TEENS ON THE NET!~~~ AOL Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- Religious Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope shook his head and said no to the offer. Two weeks later the businessman approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, and this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account." +=- Topical Jokes: Boeing ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** From the March 24, 2001 issue of The Economist (a British money magazine): "Boeing, America's biggest aircraft manufacturer, is to move its headquarters from Seattle after 86 years in the Pacific coast city. It is looking for a "culturally diverse" alternative with access to global markets, .... but has not ruled out Dallas/Fort Worth." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attention, internet users: the Funny Looking Net People Gallery is now accepting visitors to its collection of strange and scary pictures of people online. It's amazing! Bewildering! Gross! And it's free! Visit today: http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- College Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** In the department where I did my Ph.D., graduate students often give presentations on their work for the benefit of other graduate students. This week's talk: > Better Living Through Group Theory > > by Peter Turner > > > An extremely poorly prepared talk on the role of group theory in > physics. It will begin with some mathematical jargon in order to > discourage anyone from asking questions, and conclude with hastily > prepared examples from a vast number of physical disciplines--that number > being approximately equal to three. All are welcome to offer examples > from their own research in order to increase both that number as well as > the amount of time I am drinking and not talking. -from Robert T +=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A Woman's Random Thoughts... => Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, 'You know, sometimes I forget to eat.' You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. => A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care. => They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, 'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'listen wench...do it and die.' => I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day. => I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREAT FUNNY PICTURES! What Drinking Does to Judgement... http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050189 Drinking at Halloween.... http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050194 Boys Start Drinking Early... http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050197 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Rude Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** This bloke goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle." "A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?" "I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton." "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that." "In that case," says the bloke, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket." +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of real gold." +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask. The next weekend, they are in the same bar. The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching tv, and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering." The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night." The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said "Cut that out!" "Ever seen one of these real close?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! Why Hedgehogs are becoming extinct http://uGRIN.com/?118-227 Unsportsmen like conduct!http://uGRIN.com/?118-230 Bastard Card! http://uGRIN.com/?118-229 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
