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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Surely the RUDEST site on the Net.!!!! ** Play a Joke on a Friend, Sex Jokes, Men and Women Jokes Lepers, blondes, Farts, dunnies and lots more. http://www.WRIGGLERS.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev3) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 09 April 9th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 41,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + General Jokes + Lawyer Jokes + Career Jokes + More Career Jokes + Religious Jokes + Marriage Jokes + Sexist Joke + Medical Jokes + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! Just watched the end of the Masters - wow, what an achievement to win the Grand Slam! Tiger is some legend! If I could play just one hundreth as well as he could, I'd be chuffed. I have enough trouble just getting the ball in the air, I think I've got par twice in my entire life... (that is, par on ONE hole). Also the Grand National over the weekend which didn't go too well for me. I had £16 on the race in total - divided between 6 horses. So the horses are going well enough until that stupid stray decided to cut off all the rest at Canal Turn, and bam! all my horses are out. It's a mug's game gambling, and I'm that mug ;-) As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.jokeemail.com ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 AOL Users - Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! O.J. is still Searching for the Killer… http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050598 ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Actual 'Country' Song Titles... 1. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away? 2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye 3. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling 4. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 6. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal 7. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well 8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 9. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 10. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 11. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 12. Please Bypass this Heart? 13. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head) 14. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus +=- Lawyer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of your children." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?" +=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove. "I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow, "so, naturally, I drive a white Vette." As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon." Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist.. .... and I have a brown Probe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do the Easter Dance! http://www.jokes-central.com/funpages/easter/ Whack Britney Spears upside the head with a greasy sausage link! http://www.jokes-central.com/funpages/whackbritney/ The BoogerWorm card is here! Check it out: http://www.jokes-central.com/funpages/boogerworm/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- More Career Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!" +=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Moses comes down from Mount Sinai after a long day of negotiating with God. He looks very tired, but the Israelites are very anxious to hear what he has to say. He says, "I have some good news and some bad news... ... the good news is that I got him down to only ten commandments. ... the bad news is that he wouldn't budge on the adultery issue" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREAT FUNNY PICTURES! Bill Clinton SUCKS!http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050571 Did Clinton Lie?http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050572 Castrate Clinton!http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050570 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, George was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us George, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" George responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single." +=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted. The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1 BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include: - An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don't have to repeat myself) - MINIMISE BUTTON - SHUTDOWN FEATURE - SHOPPING FUNCTION - A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex - A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION - DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users - A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it won't come back - A MONOGAMY FEATURE - AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid ***** BUG WARNING ******** All previous versions of Boyfriend are inaccessible on Sunday afternoons and Monday nights during the football season. We are trying to rectify this but it seems to be a problem inherent within the programming. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ---------------------------------- CLICK TO DONATE !! --------------------------------------- EcologyFund is the largest click-to-donate wilderness site, which protects more wild land in more places than any other. Users can click for free to protect the habitat of ENDANGERED or threatened species in 7 countries by over 200 square feet every day. When you register to receive a weekly update, your personal totals are tabulated and we donate from 500 - 2000 additional square feet of Amazonian Rainforest to expand a nature reserve. http://www.onresponse.com/onR_Ads.asp?a=68418&d=2194 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Medical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The young woman looked up from her hospital bed at the handsome doctor and said breathlessly, "They tell me, doctor, that you're a real lady killer." The doctor smiled, "Maybe so.. But the jury threw the case out of court due to lack of evidence" +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself." +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A fellow suffers a terrible loss (His mother-in-law dies) and he wishes to honor her last request dealing with the disposition of her remains - so he spreads her remains on his rosebushes. ..... His neighbours are rather pissed off however, ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... she had not been cremated. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! New Kind of AssWipe!http://ugrin.com/?118-2 Asleep on the Job!http://ugrin.com/?118-1 Got Milk??http://ugrin.com/?118-3 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
