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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~FREE JOKES AND HILARIOUS PICTURES!~~~ http://www.HighSchoolHumor.com ~~~GET EVEN MORE HILARIOUS JOKES BY MAIL!~~~ http://www.HighSchoolHumor.com/Pop.htm ~~~THE FUNNIEST SITE FOR TEENS ON THE NET!~~~ AOL Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 08 April 2nd, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 39,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + General Jokes + Old Age Jokes + Stupid People Award Jokes + Career Jokes + Animal Jokes + Sexist Jokes + More Lawyer Joke + More Career Jokes + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! Still working on getting a new poll sorted - I'm really busy with work at the moment so it may take a while. For those of you who like to take a look at http://www.mugshots.net everynow and again, I may have an EXCLUSIVE for you! I'm currently negoiating with a Mugshots.net visitor to gain a mugshot of Sean "Puffy" Combs! I'm under the impression that this mugshot is not currently available in the public domain (ie, not online!), but if you already know where I can get a copy of the mugshot please let me know at mugshots@jokeemail.com. Please let me know if you do know of a copy! (Or should that be a mugshot of P Diddy? What a shit name, if I had the money, the women, the fortune, the fame, I certainly wouldn't call myself P Diddy! - I would go for something far more apt... such as "I Am Rich And Had JLO".) As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 AOL Users - Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! George W. Does Drugs! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050239 ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: 1) Hold down the SHIFT key. 2) While still holding down the SHIFT key, Hit the "4" key on your keyboard four times +=- Old Age Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send the pearl, re-bait the trap." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Better Betting is the original online casino watchdog. Reviews, contests, gambling strategy advice, an interactive discussion forum, our Top Ten and lots more. And check out Better Contests, our new sweepstakes & giveaway directory... free! Hear the player's voice! http://www.better-betting.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Stupid People Awards 2001: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** That time of year again - those who lack the celebral capabilities of the rest of us super humans... Your nominees ladies and gentlemen... => RUNNER-UP # 6 A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. => RUNNER-UP # 5 San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stickup. Put all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. => RUNNER-UP # 3 Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense", said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. => RUNNER-UP # 2 Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of A convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence. => RUNNER-UP # 1 Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. => and this years's WINNER A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very Expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and Without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance Company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In Delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the are cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An American couple were moving to Australia and had successfully smuggled out their pet snake and pet skunk. They were going through customs in Australia and were about to be searched by Customs Officials. They panicked and were wondering what to do when the husband said "I know, I'll tie the snake around my waste and say it is a belt and you can put the skunk up your dress!" The wife replied "Great! but what about the smell?" The husband said "Oh well, if it dies, it dies!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attention, internet users: the Funny Looking Net People Gallery is now accepting visitors to its collection of strange and scary pictures of people online. It's amazing! Bewildering! Gross! And it's free! Visit today: http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** These two blokes, who for the sake of argument we'll call Tom and Jim, are sitting in a pub talking about women. "So," says Jim, "How's it going with the ladies?" "To me," replies Tom, "Women are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" "Yep. Whenever I mention sex, they object." +=- Dating Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREAT FUNNY PICTURES! Does AOL Own Everything? http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050025 Very Funny Scotty...beam down... http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050057 Can Al Gore Look you in the Eyes? http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050015 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, everything...and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, "We're here to see our dog." +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ **Q: What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line? A: A magician displays a series of cunning stunts... +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white kid" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! The New Presidential Limo...http://ugrin.com/?118-109 Word Perfect for Dummieshttp://ugrin.com/?118-117 Sex Card!http://ugrin.com/?118-122 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
