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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey, I found your baby picture! http://www.jokes-central.com/funpages/babypic/ Vote For Us! Click Here: http://www.topgreetings.com/cgi-bin/rank/rankem.cgi?id=yabazaba For more jokes through e-mail, send a blank message to: join@jokes-central.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 07 March 26th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 39,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + General Jokes + Lawyer Jokes + Stockmarket Jokes + Career Jokes + Animal Jokes + Sexist Jokes + More Lawyer Joke + More Career Jokes + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! Not too much happening with us over the last week - no near death experiences with lumps of a crumbling Russian space programme - we could but hope ;-) Still, the Joke Email poll has closed for another week with some quite interesting results. The question was "Do Aliens Exist?" and the results were: 1.) Don't be stoopid. We are the only inteligent speecies.13% 2.) Sure, and I've been abducted too...15% 3.) Hey, Bush is in office - so anything's possible. 51% 4.) Hell, Bush IS an alien.21% Seems like a lot of George Bush fans in the audience then! Look out for a new poll in the next week. One thing I did join this week was uGrin. It's a great little site with lots of funny pictures, cartoons, and other things that will kill your time. Every week I'll be running the "adult cartoons" of the week - links to the funniest cartoons on uGrin. Take a look - I'm sure you'll like them! Here's one to get you started: (clean) http://ugrin.com/?118-80 As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 AOL Users - Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! He’s just a little curious… http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/peek.php ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Taxi-ing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. .... "It took us a while to find a new pilot." +=- Lawyer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. ** How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. ** How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories. ** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? ** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. ** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? -from Robert +=- Stockmarket Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Telltale signs of a downturn in the Stockmarket... => NASDAQ seen in waterfront dive getting gooned on port shooters. => You've just called your investment house and the first thing they tell you is the soup of the day. => U.S. dollar and foil covered chocolate pirate doubloons currently on par. => Dow Jones now stripping in gay bar under the name Wow Jones. => Next parade down wall street, CEOs still fling tickertape from windows, only now don't bother taking it out of their pockets. => Alan Greenspan has personally adopted a pesos-only policy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WANNA KILL A FEW MINUTES OF TIME? --- Try these out! Ever wanted to Spray Paint a Brick Wall??http://ugrin.com/?118-21 Do you like to blow things up?? Kaboom!!http://ugrin.com/?118-33 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Because of several unfortunate events, I am a college graduate working at McDonald's. I worked the same store several years ago, but it's under new management, so that helps. However, after only being there a month, I have been reminded on several occasions in drive-thru how stupid people are in this town. Here are some of the ones that make me want to drown myself in the toilet: => The Dim Bulbs: These are the morons who make their order then say, "To go." They are in drive-thru. Do they think I'd let them sit in my window and eat it? (Had a guy say it in the window the other night.) Or the ones who, when asked "would you like to go large or super-sized with that?" respond with, "Yeah." => The Forgetfuls: The imbeciles who order, say, a value meal and a sundae, then get to my window and order another $25 worth of food! Honestly, how can you forget that you needed to order that much food? => The Requesters: This is a big group. I'm not talking about the ones that want sauce with their nuggets. I'm talking about those really STRANGE requests. For instance, I had a guy the other day say he needed a courtesy cup. Okay, fine. As I was reaching for it, he mentioned that he needed it so he could spit his tobacco into it. I just didn't need to know that. => The Don't Cares: Okay, I've gone through drive-thru in my PJs before. I've shopped at Super K at three in the morning in a t-shirt, sweats, and slippers. We all have those moments. But, I could have gone my ENTIRE life without seeing that woman in her underwear. I guess I should be thankful she at least wore a shirt. And, guys, and I do mean GUYS, before you start drooling, trust me, you wouldn't have wanted to see her either. Those thighs would have frightened herds of buffalo. => The Total Buttheads: You got a beef with the world or your day's gone bad, then go take it out on your shrink. I don't need you yelling at me because I asked you if you wanted fries with that. I am only doing my job. One of these days, I swear, I'm going to beat some of these people to death with the training videos. => The Inconsiderates: Sometimes, people's car windows break and won't roll all the way down. Okay, that's cool. They usually open their doors to order. At least I can hear them. It's the idiots who order with their windows half-way rolled up, get mad because I can't hear them, and then roll their window down the rest of the way when they reach the window. Last I checked, sound didn't travel to well through glass, but what do physicists know? => The Vehicularly Inept: One of these days I'm going to bring a ruler to work and if they pull up more than a foot and a half away from the window, I won't take their money until they straighten out. I get this a lot with people driving those SUVs/Urban Assault Vehicles. If you can't drive it correctly, don't buy it. Had one guy who pulled up so far away from the window he had to get out of his truck to hand my friend his money. Where do these people find their licenses? => The Slow Pokes: "May I take your order?" "Um ... yeah ..." Silence for 10 minutes. Kind of makes me wish they were antelope. If they were that slow on the plains, the lions would have eaten them already and kept them out of my drive-thru. => The Pick-up Artists: Oh, the lines are classic. Had one say the other night, "Give me the time, I'll show you a good time." Baby, I'm not that desperate. Next time, I'm just going to ask them to fill out a short questionnaire; oh, and I need three forms of ID and a doctor's assurance that you're not a walking petri dish. By the way, have your mother sign this and initial here. +=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Got Crabs? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/crabs.php Proof of other life…CROP-CIRCLES! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/cropcircles.php What a Dumb-Fart! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/dumbfart.php ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Top 10 Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You... 10) When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." 9) Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?" 8) Only moans during commercial breaks. 7) Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. 6) Keeps trying to set you up with her friends. 5) You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead. 4) Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?" 3) Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. 2) She yells out her own name. .. and the number 1 sign she's getting bored having sex with you... 1) You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show. +=- More Lawyer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. ** What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor. ** What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton. ** What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. ** What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. ** What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer. ** Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostages? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met. -from Robert ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! Sorority Slut Barbiehttp://ugrin.com/?118-46 The Natural Shampoo....http://ugrin.com/?118-104 Panty Remover!http://ugrin.com/?118-113 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- More Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Improve your attitude to work... TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f**k do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f**king way. TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh*tting me! TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t. TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won't work. TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass. TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die. TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F**k it, I'm on salary. TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me. +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Q: How do you know when you are in a gay church? A: Only half the people are kneeling! -from Knight +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is lathering him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber. He takes a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, saying, "Just place this between your cheek and gum while I shave each side." The customer places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds as planned and the result on the first cheek is obviously the closest shave the man has ever experienced. As the barber is finishing the second cheek, the customer asks in garbled speech: "And what if I swallow this thing?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
