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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *&^%&^** MADNESS ! *&^%&^** NCAA March Madness is here and shamrock casino is offering a 30% BONUS CASH ON ANY AND ALL DEPOSITS!! Play on the sportsbook or 12 game 3D casino only at Shamrockcasino! http://www.onresponse.com/onR_Ads.asp?a=68418&d=2069 Click ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 06 March 19th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 39,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + St Patricks Day Jokes + Foreign Jokes + General Jokes + Jail Jokes + Nike Jokes + Sexist Jokes + Parent Joke + Sex Jokes + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ **Hey Folks! Okay, I wrote a couple of weeks ago that the Dale Earnhardt joke I ran was a little below the belt, but I got an even bigger backlash from people who wanted them! I'm stuck in the middle, so I have come up with the solution - I have provided the links to 2 new Dale Earnhardt jokes in the tasteless jokes section. If you find those sort of jokes offensive, please do not read them. Please remember to vote in our webpoll - it ain't like all the others! Take a look and vote (take less than 2 seconds) at http://www.jokeemail.com (bottom right hand corner) As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 AOL Users - Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Like Big, Ugly, Bikers? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/biguglybiker.php ===== +=- St Patricks Day Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** SOTALLY TOBER Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I'm just a little slort of sheep I'm not drunk like tinkle peep I don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup 'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up. +=- Foreign Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** For those of you who are not fluent in Chinese... here is a simple introduction to the most important phrases... Ai Bang Mai Ne ----------- I bumped into the coffee table Ar U Wun Tu -------------- A gay liberation greeting Chin Tu Fat -------------- You need a face lift Hu Flung Dung ------------ Which one of you fertilized the field? Hu Yu Hai Ding ----------- We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive Jan Ne Ka Sun ------------ A former late night talk show host Lao Ze Sho --------------- Gilligan's Island Lin Ching ---------------- An illegal execution Tai Ne Bae Be ------------ A premature infant Tai Ne Po Ne ------------- A small horse Ten Ding Ba -------------- Serving drinks to people Wa Shing Kah ------------- Cleaning an automobile Wai So Dim --------------- Are you trying to save electricity? Wai U Shao Ting ---------- There is no reason to raise your voice +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But it's actually my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attention, internet users: the Funny Looking Net People Gallery is now accepting visitors to its collection of strange and scary pictures of people online. It's amazing! Bewildering! Gross! And it's free! Visit today: http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Jail Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading." "Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests." +=- Nike Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "sweatshop" onto his shoes. Here's the responses he got.... >From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" >To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" >Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000 Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons: 1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual property 2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the legal right to use 3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization? 4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your mother would slap us. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com Thank you, NIKE iD >From: "Jonah H. Peretti" >To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" >Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000 Greetings, My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop." Sweatshop is not: 1) another's party's trademark, 2) the name of an athlete, 3) blank, or 4) profanity. I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the people that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me immediately. Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti >From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" >To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" >Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000 Dear NIKE iD Customer, Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang". If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at nike.com Thank you, NIKE iD >From: "Jonah H. Peretti" >To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" >Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000 Dear NIKE iD, Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions" and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email. Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that "If you want it done right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order. Thank you, Jonah Peretti >From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" >To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" >Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000 Dear NIKE iD Customer, Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours after it has been submitted". In addition, it further explains: "While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one. Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products. Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another." With these rules in mind, we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com Thank you, NIKE iD >From: "Jonah H. Peretti" >To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" >Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000 Dear NIKE iD, Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the **-year-old Vietnamese g*** who makes my shoes? Thanks, Jonah Peretti ** NB. Some parts of this email conversation have been blanked out with *** in some places to make sure that nothing libelous is published - because otherwise I'd be in the s**t with Nike. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What’s your favorite part? Leg, Thigh…HEAD? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/chickenleg.php Aren’t All Politicians like this? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/ahole.php We will Remove your Balls! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/ballsremove.php ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Real Men Quiz Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Know this, and you will have come far in understanding us and enriching your own life. 1)When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 2)What about hugging another male? A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 3)In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. 4)You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 5)One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "There are three of them?" +=- Parent Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," reports Sadie to her friend Sophie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends." Sophie then replies "I know what you mean, My daughter's a whore too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** ALERT - END OF TAX YEAR is APRIL 1st! ** TRY QUICKEN FREE to get your returns done DOUBLE QUICK! => America's # 1 personal finance software! => Quicken 2001 Deluxe helps you to manage the 7 key areas of your finances. Try it FREE for 60 days http://www.onresponse.com/onR_Ads.asp?a=68418&d=1616 Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Sex Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his flat, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and hug bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and have rampant nookie. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The bloke says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf." +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 16 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly," she asks him? "So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies. "Well why don't you just spit on your c*ck like the monks did?!" +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** As stated in the Starter - here are two new Dale Earnhardt joke. They are both tasteless, and thus are listed in this section. If you DO NOT enjoy these jokes - simply do not read them. Please do not complaint if you think they are too tasteless - I didn't make you click to read them afterall. Dale Earnhardt and junior http://www.jokeemail.com/sport/sport17.htm Dale Earnhardt's Coffin http://www.jokeemail.com/sport/sport18.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
