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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ =====> NEED to complete your own Tax returns? <========= SIMPLE - Get FREE Tax Software to do it FOR YOU! Download TaxACT free and begin preparing your taxes today! TaxACT is complete with an interview process, automatically calculates your return and prints IRS approved forms FREE. Plus, you can e-file for under $8. http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=10918&a=CD5481 AOL Users - Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 05 March 12th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 38,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + Lawyer Jokes + Blonde Jokes + Religious Jokes + Topical Jokes + Top 10 Jokes + Little Johnny Jokes + Clinton Joke + Sexist Jokes: Women + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ **Hey Folks! First of all this week I'd like to apologise for two of the jokes that ran last week. We got some complaints about the Dale Earnhardt joke and the "fighting for her viginity" joke - these complaints were quite justified. I accept all responsibility for running the jokes, and I apologise for running two jokes that were in *very* bad taste. It was a bad judgement call, and I'll try not to do it again. I hope you don't hold the jokes against me - humor is a fickle business and it's difficult to please all the people all the time, but in this instance I realise that the mark was overstepped. So, onto a better note - Mugshots.net is back online! http://www.mugshots.net Yes, after arguing with the registrar, web host, and anyone else who seemed to be able to change the domain's records, I finally got the site back online! And just in time too, because the NEW Mugshots.net Screensaver is ready for downloading! It's totally free (of course) and it features some of the most famous mugshots ever! Grab it now, install it on your computer, and let OJ, Hugh Grant, and Ray Lewis save your screen! Go straight to the download page at http://www.mugshots.net/screensaver.htm Joke Email .com has undergone a slight alteration over the past week due to some of our advertisers pulling the plug on us. A smaller, meeker dot com company might have cried into their double expressos and cashed in they worthless stock options - but that ain't the Joke Email way ;-) No, although we are certain to take a hit in the pocket financially, we are still able to pay for all the essentials so we'll be around even if the eToys, Pets.com, and others ain't. New sweepstakes have been added to right side column, as well as a few great freebies - free copy of Men's Health, and a 5 star rated FREE Tax program - ideal with the end of the tax year in sight. If you're worried about getting the forms sorted, take a look and see if they can help: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=10918&a=CD5481 Also added to the homepage is a NEW POLL! Yes, the polls we used to run were very popular, but they were a bit bulky for the site. The new poll is hidden away at the bottom right of the homepage and takes up a fraction of the space! This week's question is: "Do Aliens Exist?". The options are: 1) Don't be stoopid. We are the only inteligent speecies. 2) Sure, and I've been abducted too... 3) Hey, Bush is in office - so anything's possible. 4) Hell, Bush IS an alien. To vote or look at the results, go straight to: http://www.jokeemail.com As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 AOL Users - Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! DeBeers Diamonds…because you have to! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/debeers.php ===== +=- Lawyer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked "Why did you shoot the female? - it was the male that ate my friend" So the Ranger replies "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?" +=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOOKING for the PERFECT GIFT ??? => What about a PERSONAL commissioned oil painting? => Planes, boats, landscapes, seascapes in oils. => Finest quality - browse the site for yourself... Forbes-Art.com => ORDER TODAY for a 10% discount for Joke Email subscribers! At: http://www.Forbes-Art.com AOL Users - Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!" The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the ten commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confess to the crime." The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest said. The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it." +=- Topical Jokes: Us Navy ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The Navy has announced that for the first time in forty-five years they will be presenting the ADM Chester Nimitz Award to a member of the U. S. Pacific Fleet. The ADM Chester Nimitz Award was established in 1942 during World War II and is presented annually to the United States Navy submarine that sinks the most Japanese tonnage in any one calendar year. +=- Top 10 Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The Top 16 Signs Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning 16) That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky. 15) Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline. 14) That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey. 13) pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible. 12) Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first. 11) Skipping rocks across it causes sparks. 10) New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard. 9) Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels. 8) Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing. 7) The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo. 6) "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom. 5) You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus. 4) Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside. 3) Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray. 2) You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie. ... and the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning... 1) The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ No Wonder he’s got a smile on his face! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/happyface.php Pee-Wee Herman’s Girlfriend… http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/peewee.php Kermit the Frog and Mrs. Piggy on the Honeymoon! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/frogmeat.php ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Little Johnny Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter. "I have to make pee pee", wailed the little boy. "All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom." "No" insisted Johnny, "I want Grandma." "Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly." "Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." +=- Clinton Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** As the Clinton administration was drawing to a close, some folks were pondering what we will miss about Bill Clinton. Best bets: => The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you CAN get sex from Aides. => Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar." => The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue." => Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young. => Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister! -From Jane Basta ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ==>>FREE @JokeEmail.com EMAIL ADDRESSES <<== -> Fed up with Jonny989_90@Hotmail.com? -> Want Jonny@JokeEmail.com? -> Fine! Get it NOW! -> FREE, secure email accounts from JokeEmail.com! -> Sign-up NOW! at http://mail.jokeemail.com ==>>RESERVE YOURS NOW! DO IT ! <<== AOL Users - Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Q. Whats the difference between your wife and your washing machine? A. You don't have to hug your washing machine for twenty minutes after you dump your load in it. +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** I sent this to a friend of mine that likes Las Vegas... > I think this is a conference with some interest > > January 29, 2001 08:35pm > NATIONAL CONVENTION OF ADULT NIGHTCLUB OPERATORS SET FOR > MANDALAY BAY IN LAS VEGAS > Source: Don Waitt, Publisher > by: Company Press Release > (LAS VEGAS, NV) -- More than 3,000 adult nightclub operators, top touring > exotic entertainers and nightclub vendors will be at the Mandalay Bay > Resort and Casino in Las Vegas Aug. 28-30, 2001 for the 9th Annual > Gentlemen's Club Owners Expo. He is a professor in Indstrial engineering, so he writes back > Sounds great to me. I'll have to submit a paper to get the university to > pay for my travel. Let's see: "Efficient Methods for Dollar Bill > Collection" or "Managing People with Artificial Body Parts" or "ADA and > Erections - What Are Your Responsibilities" or "Reengineering the Lap > Dance" or "Implants: Effective Sizing Models" or "Work Measurement > Standards for Bouncers" or "My Turn, My Turn: Queuing Models for > Intoxicated Patrons." Okay, we've got a plan now.... -From Anon... +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A guy shows up at the emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his head. The doctor asks the guy how this came to be... "I was playing at that new course out in the country. Because of the only bad tee shot I've made in my life, my ball ended up in the cow pasture. While I was out there looking for it, some fat broad hit her ball into the same place." "So we're both out there searching, and she's swearing like she just invented it and beating the hell out of the forage with her club. I find a ball. She claims it's hers, and we end up continuing to search for the other one while she bitches and I listen. Finally, I know I've looked everywhere except where some real cows are standing." "So I pick up the cows' feet one by one, but there's no ball under a cow. Now there's only one other chance. I lift up the biggest cow's tail, and sure as hell, there's a golf ball! When I turned to the fat broad, the ball fell out. I pointed under the tail and said 'Does that look like yours?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
