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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -=-=-=-=- BIGGER BICEPS IN 2 WEEKS -=-=-=-=- An Extraordinary Offer For Men Who Care About Their Health Try a FREE trial issue of the acclaimed resource Men's Health. Every issue is loaded with information you can use to live healthy and enjoy life. http://www.onresponse.com/onR_Ads.asp?a=68418&d=671 AOL Users - Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 04 March 5th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 38,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + Topical Jokes + Religious Jokes + Topical Jokes + Old Age Jokes + Food Jokes + Marriage Joke + Blonde Jokes + Sexist Jokes: Men + Sexist Jokes: Women + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ **Hey Folks! I've had a great week - particulary on Tuesday night when I went dog racing with a few mates. I'd never been before, but the combination of betting, booze and burgers really hit the mark. Didn't win though - but if you've never been, you've gotta try it once! Also this week was _that_ earthquake in Seattle. I hope any subscribers in Seattle came out of it unscathed - don't want to lose anymore subscribers ;-) Talking about numbers... we now have a whopping subscriber base of over 38,000! This is because we have been experiencing steady growth over the past few months, and because we have recently bought a joke list of 5,000 members. I would like to personally welcome these new subscribers, and thank you for telling all your friends and collegues about Joke Email - it'll be nothing without you! (Boy, that sounds soft!) There are no special free offers from CyberRebate because none of this week's freebies looked any good - I like to bring you only things I think you'd like. As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== ADVANCE YOUR CAREER -- FREE INFORMATION Relevant. Up-to-the-minute. Flexible. Advance your career with University of Phoenix Online. Our curriculum is designed by experienced professionals to give you the skills today's employers are looking for. See why 96% of our graduates are highly satisfied with their education. Get FREE Information Today! http://www.onresponse.com/onR_Ads.asp?a=68418&d=1676 AOL Users - Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Practice Plane Safety! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/planesafety.html ===== +=- Topical Jokes: Seattle Earthquake ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Subject: Post-quake headlines "Seattle Prefers Coffee Stirred, not Shaken" "Massive Case of Jitters Jolts Puget Sound" "Microsoft Campus Decides Where it Wants to Go" ** From the Reuter's article on the Seattle Quake. I'm sure it was just an innocent section header. [...] MICROSOFT WINDOWS BROKEN Microsoft, which employs 20,000 people in the Seattle area, said three buildings at a local branch campus experienced broken windows and tiles... [...] makes no change then.... ** Quote of the day from a local e-newspaper: "Quake rocks Seattle - Screams erupted at a nearby hotel, where Microsoft founder Bill Gates was addressing an education and technology conference." Hmmm, a familiar event, no doubt... +=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear... "I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here." +=- Topical Jokes: UK Foot and Mouth Outbreak ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** UK mad cows are going "CHEEP" "CHEEP" And the sheep are feeling a bit Horse. Must have put their foot in their mouths again... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Are those Real? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/implant.html The “Jerry Springer” Stick Show! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/jerry.html What caused this Plane-Crash? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/planecrash.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Old Age Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!" +=- Food Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?" +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** My wife is so fat.... ... She was born on the 8th, 9th and 10th of July ... She walked past me & her shadow broke my foot ... This morning I had coffee with 2 lumps, her and her mother ... She's got something between her knees that most other women don't have - her tits ... The curtains have made her a lovely skirt ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Better Betting is the original online casino watchdog. Reviews, contests, gambling strategy advice, an interactive discussion forum, our Top Ten and lots more. And check out Better Contests, our new sweepstakes & giveaway directory... free! Hear the player's voice! http://www.better-betting.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis." +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? A. His body. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him - Then tell him to pick only one. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attention, internet users: the Funny Looking Net People Gallery is now accepting visitors to its collection of strange and scary pictures of people online. It's amazing! Bewildering! Gross! And it's free! Visit today: http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** My wife and I are inseparable - In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Q: Why do men pass gas more than women? A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The guy walked into the bar looking like he'd been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What happened?" The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's virginity." "No kidding?" "Yeah. But that little bitch was determined to keep it." +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Following the death of racing legend Dale Earnhardt, fans were asking that the Daytona 500 be renamed to memorialize Dale Earnhardt--something like the Daytona-Earnhardt 500. The thought occurs though... wouldn't they want to call it the Earnhardt 499 3/4? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
