|
JOIN! |
Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >>
|
|
|
||||||
| Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >> | ||||||||
| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Better Betting is the original online casino watchdog. Reviews, contests, gambling strategy advice, an interactive discussion forum, our Top Ten and lots more. And check out Better Contests, our new sweepstakes & giveaway directory... free! Hear the player's voice! http://www.better-betting.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1evry4) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 10 February 5th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 30,000!!! This week's Special: ************************************************************** HOLIDAY SEASON AD SPECIAL! Buy 3 Sponsor Ads - Get 4th FREE! This holds for any number of ads (eg, buy 9, get 3 free ads)! $180 to advertise to over 100,000! Email advertinfo@jokeemail.com NOW! ************************************************************** For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + General Jokes + Topical Jokes + Bank Jokes + Old Age Jokes + Dating Jokes + Sexist Jokes + Deaf Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ **Hi Folks! Well, the Superbowl turned out to be a bit of a dud, but nevertheless the Ravens came through for me! However, remember kids - betting is for mugs ;-) And more great news this week as Mugshots.net is finally up and running! There are still a few teething problems, but those should be sorted very soon. Check out the site now for mug shots of all you favorite celebrities banged to rights! http://www.mugshots.net - see the attached email for more information about this great new site! Okay, this is for all the blokes out there (kind of public service) - Valentine's Day is on 14th February - just over ONE WEEK AWAY. So you may have forgotten, but do not worry - I have found two more fantastic Valentine's gift offers - all 100% free from Cyber Rebate! My two top picks this week are a Ruby Crystal Valentine Gift Set (for the ladies) and a Paolo Gucci Mens Watch (boy I want out of these...) Take a look! >> FREE Ruby Crystal Valentine Gift Set http://www.jokeemail.com/valentinegift.htm >> FREE Paolo Gucci Mens Watch http://www.jokeemail.com/gucciwatch.htm As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Put a BAG OVER HER HEAD! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/bag.html ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Massacres School Mascot." +=- Topical Jokes: Election 2005 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Actual news story, 1/11/2001: NEW YORK (Reuters) - Unisys Corp., Microsoft Corp. and Dell Computer Corp. are teaming up to create new voting technology in the wake of the ballot-counting fiasco in the U.S. presidential election, Unisys said on Thursday. Blue Bell, Pa.-based Unisys said its system will replace outdated systems that produce irregularities such as those reported in Florida in the November election. The system will integrate election processes from voter registration to counting results, Unisys said. Follow-up stories: BLUE BELL, PA (November 12, 2002) - After being unable to recover the results of last week's congressional election, the Unisys Help Desk closed the ticket today with a recommendation to reboot the system and try the election again. REDMOND, WA (October 25, 2004) - Microsoft announced today that because of production delays in Election '04, next month's presidential election has been pushed back to the 2nd Quarter of next year. WASHINGTON (August 3, 2005) - President George W. Bush and former Vice President Al Gore conceded today's election at 8 pm after preliminary results showed them losing overwhelmingly. Final results, released immediately after polls closed in Hawaii, showed both the incumbent Republican and his Democratic challenger failed to garner 100 votes nationwide. Former Louisiana gubernatorial candidate David Duke finished in second place with 3,322 votes on the strength of strong returns from Palm Beach County, Florida. The winning ticket received 1,073,741,824 votes -- all write-ins. "President-elect Gates and I are honored and humbled by this historic victory," said Vice President-elect Michael Dell in his acceptance speech. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Women’s favorite TOILET PAPER! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/tpaper.html Is that an Air-Bag? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/airbag.html Do you have a back-up wife? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/backup.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Bank Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** LETTER TO THE BANK Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing repayment 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received; 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received; 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received. 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attention, internet users: the Funny Looking Net People Gallery is now accepting visitors to its collection of strange and scary pictures of people online. It's amazing! Bewildering! Gross! And it's free! Visit today: http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1evy2) +=- Old Age Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." +=- Dating Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Paul and Simon are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up. "I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Paul. "This weekend I hooked up with that Jenny Harris girl." "Jenny Harris!" Simon exclaims, "What happened?" "Let's just say I got lucky." "I've heard about Jenny," Simon says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'" "I would," Paul says. "In that case," Simon replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Earning $100,000.00 a Year is as easy as $15,000…. http://www.sixfigureincome.com/?226300 Get your FREE Internet Income Course NOW! http://www.sixfigureincome.com/free/?226300 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** This bloke walks up to a girl in his office, stands really close to her, draws in a large breath of air and then tells her that her hair smells nice. This happens every day for a week until the girl can't stand it any more. So she goes to see her boss and tells him what's happening. She ends by saying that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the bloke. Her boss is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?" The girl replies, "He's a midget." +=- Deaf Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see any condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his manhood on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet." +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Extract from an Australian Mills & Boon (one of those romance books) We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon. As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaa", then re-joined the flock. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
