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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ T H E E U P H O R I A T A P E Do The Euphoria Tape alone the first time, and then with a lover. It's a phenomenon you'll feel within the first 3 minutes of use -- what you'll feel the rest of the time is unbelievable http://www.lifesines.com/ef/aec.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 09 January 29th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 30,000!!! This week's Special: ************************************************************** HOLIDAY SEASON AD SPECIAL! Buy 3 Sponsor Ads - Get 4th FREE! This holds for any number of ads (eg, buy 9, get 3 free ads)! $180 to advertise to over 100,000! Email advertinfo@jokeemail.com NOW! ************************************************************** For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + Lawyer Jokes + Old Age Jokes + Pope Jokes + Toilet Jokes + Redneck Jokes + Sexist Jokes: Men + Crime Jokes + Foreign Jokes + Spice Girl Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ **Hi everyone! Well, as I write this the Superbowl is just hours away! I'm really looking forward to it - I picked the Ravens at the start of the season at 25-1 so if they win it I'll be off down the pub with an extra £75 ($100) in my back burner! It's gonna be tight though.... But maybe you hate football and want some jokes to stop the constant Superbowl talk? No worries! Enjoy this week's new crop of humor... ;-) Early reminder for all the forgetful blokes out there - Valentine's Day is on 14th February - just over TWO WEEKS AWAY. Cyber Rebate has a few great Valentine's gift offers - all 100% free! My two top picks this week are a fantastic Sterling Criss Cross Herringbone 18" Chain (for the ladeezz..) and a Stainless Steel 12 Function Tool (for the blokes...) Take a look! >> FREE Sterling Criss Cross Herringbone 18" Chain http://www.jokeemail.com/necklace.htm >> FREE Stainless Steel 12 Function Tool http://www.jokeemail.com/toolkit.htm As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Bill Clinton has a Secret… http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/secret.html ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== +=- Lawyer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** In California, more than 600 lawyer hopefuls were taking the State Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Centre when a 50 year old man taking the test suffered a heart attack. Only two of the 600 test takers, John Leslie and Eunice Morgan, stopped to help the man. They administered CPR until paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the exam. Citing policy, the test supervisor refused to allow the two additional time to make up for the 40 minutes they spent helping the victim. Jerome Braun, the State Bar's senior executive for admissions, backed the decision stating, "If these two want to be lawyers, they should learn a lesson about priorities." +=- Old Age Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single." +=- Pope Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The Queen and the Pope are on stage together at a huge charity event. Obviously, they've both done this sort of thing many times before, so to make it a little more interesting the Queen says to the Pope, "How about a wager? I bet I can make every British person in this crowd go wild with just one little wave of my hand." The Pope agrees and the Queen waves her hand. Sure enough, the royal wave elicits rapturous applause and cheering from all the Brits in the crowd. The Pope, not wishing to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than him, says to the Queen, "That was impressive. How about another wager? I bet I can make every Irish person in this crowd go crazy with joy merely with a nod of my head. But it won't just last for a minute. This joy will last for months and be talked about for years." The Queen is sceptical. "One nod of your head? Show me." So the Pope headbutts her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Evolution? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/evolution.html YOU NEED a new FACE! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/face.html This Pepsi guy IS FIRED! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/pepsi.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Toilet Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Stuff found on toilet walls... 1. Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand. 2. Any arsehole can piss on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling! 3. The future is in your hands! 4. Some come here to sit and think. Some come here to shit and sink. But I come here to scratch my balls And read the bullshit on the walls. 5. Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters: 'I F**KED your mother!!!' Neatly printed in small calm blue letters: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.' 6. Written at the very bottom of a bathroom door in very small printing... I had to lean WAY forward to read it... It said: 'You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle!' 7. This toilet paper is like John Wayne: it's tough, it's rough... and it doesn't take shit from anyone. 8. Please do not throw cigarette buts in this urinal: it makes them soggy and hard to light. 9. Sign on condom vending machine : 'My dad says these don't work.' +=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** While vacationing in the hills of Arkansas, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For a big surprise see the banner at http://www.humorhwy.com CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies, Quick and easy to read, Preview regular or webtv format goto http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.asp To Join the Regulars mailto: ct-subscribe@humorhwy.com Join the Webtv'ers mailto: ctwebtv-subscribe@humorhwy.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The Relationship with your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ... - The milkman is wearing your bathrobe. - You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. - She starts every sentence with the words ... "To whom it may concern." - Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident." - The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. - Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. - You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it. - Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. - People are already referring to her as the "widow." - Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Joe's Place." +=- Crime Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Two idiots rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?" "Half a million" "Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?" "I bought a house. How about your sack?" "Bah... it was full o' bills" "And what did you do with them?" "Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Earning $100,000.00 a Year is as easy as $15,000…. http://www.sixfigureincome.com/?226300 Get your FREE Internet Income Course NOW! http://www.sixfigureincome.com/free/?226300 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- Foreign Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An Indian named Brown Elk walked into the saloon. He was a giant of a man with a six-shooter tucked into his belt, so no one dared ask why he was carrying a pail of manure in one hand and a small cat in the other. "I'll have a whiskey," he told the bartender, and after downing the shot Brown Elk ordered another. Then another. Finally, after his fourth drink, the Indian pulled out his revolver, fired several shots into the bucket, released the cat, then ran after it. When he caught it, he returned to the bar. "Er-excuse me," said the alarmed bartender, serving him a drink on the house, "but would you mind telling me what that was all about?" "My father told me to try and be more like white man," he answered. "So, I came here to have a few drinks, shoot the shit, and chase a little pussy." +=- Spice Girl Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Posh Spice decided to help to benefit the community and began a job as a primary school counselor. One day during break time she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other end. Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage she decided to have a conversation with him so she approached and asked if he was OK, in the knowledge that if he wasn't she could talk to him about the game. The boy said he was fine. A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself, watching the game. Approaching again, Victoria said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, She then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because..." the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the f***ing goalkeeper - now get lost!" +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, pull the skin back and suck them dry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
