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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ==>>FREE @JokeEmail.com EMAIL ADDRESSES <<== -> Fed up with Jonny989_90@Hotmail.com? -> Want Jonny@JokeEmail.com? -> Fine! Get it NOW! -> FREE, secure email accounts from JokeEmail.com! -> Sign-up NOW! at http://mail.jokeemail.com ==>>RESERVE YOURS NOW! DO IT ! <<== ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 09 September 11th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ ** Hi Folks! WELL... the site isn't quite ready yet, but we are exited to announce that our free web mail is up and running, and ready for use! This information is being made available to our subscribers first, so you can get the pick of the names! YES! Sign-up now for your FREE @JokeEmail.com email address! You can choose any name, so why settle for Yourname00099@hotmail.com when you can have Yourname@jokeemail.com? Sign-up now at http://mail.jokeemail.com All the email accounts have 6mb of storage; are very secure; available 24/7; and of course (like everything from JokeEmail) are FREE! Sign-up now at http://mail.jokeemail.com There is one thing about the email we'd like some feedback on - we insert a small tagline (like Hotmail does) at the base of every email our users send. We'd like to insert a small *clean* *non-offensive* weekly joke to the tagline - so that your friends and colleagues can have a good laugh at your emails! This joke would be very short, always clean, and always funny. Currently this feature is ON, but I'd like to hear some feedback from any users of @jokeemail.com addresses as to whether they prefer it on or off? Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== .... Find a Partner WHILE YOU SLEEP..... AT Love Personals, you place a FREE ad, and get replies while you sleep! - PLACE a FREE ad - See who responds.... - Browse the ads and photos - who do you like? Just TRY it today and you never know what might happen! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 AOL Users: Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Snoopy gets some action! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/snoopy.html ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** This surgeon is doing an operation. He's about to finish when, surprisingly, the patient wakes, sits up, and demands to know what's going on. "I'm about to close," says the surgeon. The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that. I'll close my own incision." The surgeon hands him the thread and says, "Suture self." +=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke. "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When the physician returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet into his shoe sand knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOOKING for the PERFECT GIFT for HUBBIE ??? => How about a PERSONAL commissioned oil painting? => Planes, boats, landscapes, seascapes in oils. => Finest quality - browse the site for yourself... Forbes-Art.com At: http://www.Forbes-Art.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Topical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Many people complained that they had a hard time actually hearing Britney Spears sing...it seems the sounds of belts unbuckling, flys unzipping and pants hitting the floor across the country kind of drowned her out a bit ** At MTV’s Video Music Awards, thanks to a musician who climbed up on top of the scenery and shook it during Limp Bizkit’s acceptance...for the first time the award for the biggest ass at an award show didn’t go to Jennifer Lopez ** Janet Jackson made an appearance and based on her poorly lip synched performance her career might be going in a new direction....replacing the dead member of Milli Vanilli -All from Billy Hine at http://www.airsick.net +=- TV Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** TV listings that appeared in the Marin Independent Journal: 9 p.m. "Nash Bridges.'' Baseball superstar Barry Bonds guests in this episode about a professional ball player who hires Nash and Dominguez to find his lost modesty. Channel 5. 1 p.m. "NFL Playoffs.'' The Dallas Cowboys and their probation officers visit the Carolina Panthers. Channel 2. 8:30 a.m. "Laurel and Hardy.'' Scenes of physical violence without realistic consequences may be inappropriate for younger viewers. American Movie Classics. 9 p.m. "Party of Five.'' There are hints that Neve Campbell's character may be going to Europe. The same thing happened to Shannen Doherty's character on "Beverly Hills 90210.'' Maybe they can share a flat in Obscurityville. Channel 2. 11:35 p.m. "The Tonight Show.'' Cuba Gooding apologizes to the nation for that whole "Show Me the Money'' catch-phrase thing. Channel 4. 8 p.m. "Hyenas: Nature's Gangsters.'' This is an animal suffering from a public relations problem. Discovery Channel. 7 p.m. "Jeopardy.'' The Celebrity Week fun continues with Donna D'Errico, one of the uber blondes from "Baywatch.'' Categories include "Famous Tan Lines,'' "Starts with "Duh,''' "Silicone Valley'' and "Mall History.'' Channel 7. 9 p.m. "Interview with the Vampire'' (1994). Tom Cruise is a bloodsucker who drains the life from everything around him. In this movie, he plays a vampire. Channel 4. 8 p.m. "Police Academy III'' (1986). This is the one where they track down the screenwriters and arrest them for conspiracy to commit bad comedy. TNT. 9 p.m. "Walker: Texas Ranger.'' While on undercover assignment as a high school teacher, Walker is pinned down in a vicious spitball shootout. Channel 5. 8 p.m. "Air America'' (1990). Robert Downy Jr. unwittingly smuggles drugs for the CIA during the Vietnam War. We don't know where he's scoring these days. Channel 36. 5 p.m. "World Series.'' It's not about winning. It's not about the money. It's about the love of the game. Just kidding. It's about the money. Channel 2. 7 p.m. "The Lion King'' (1994). The Disney blockbuster comes to television with all the music, all the love, all the splendor and all the colossal ratings that are so important during sweeps month. Channel 7. -All from Rick Polito. He writes a very funny daily TV listing column, that you can see at: http://seattlep-i.nwsource.com/tv/ If you enjoy his column, tell *your* paper that you'd like to see it! I'd like this sort of humor in my TV guide! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** These two snails called Sam and Ralph live next door to each other and are very good friends. They're uncannily similar and are often mistaken for brothers. They're also really competitive and one day, whilst playing around pretending that they're racing cars, they start arguing about which one of them is the quickest. Well, one of their friends suggests that they should have a drag race on a nearby road to decide. They agree that it's a great idea and so a whole group of snails gather to watch them. So that they can tell them apart Ralph paints a huge R on his back and Sam paints a big S on his. The race begins and Ralph gets off to a terrific start. He's miles ahead (well, millimetres) of Sam and it looks like the race is all over, but gradually Sam catches up. Finally, just before they cross the finishing line, Sam passes Ralph, and the snails in the crowd begin to chant.. "S car go. S car go.!" +=- WORST Jokes EVER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The monastery out in Wessex was having a bit of a hard time with its cash flow, because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work of the group. Brother Andrew and Brother Patrick suggested opening up a fish and chips stand down on the motorway, right next to the scenic vista area so popular with tourists. The venture was going well, and one day a tourist asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?" "No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pooh find out the special things about TIGGERS! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/tigger.html Can She be an INTERN? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/intern.html Let's Play tennis! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/tennis.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The last 10 things any woman would ever say 10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way to big. 4. I don't even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow, it really is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again. +=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The last 10 things any man would ever say: 10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf**ker 9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Her tits are just too big. 6. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody. 4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom. 3. We haven`t been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I'll hold your purse. 2. F**k Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. 1. I think we're lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WANNA SAVE $$$$$$ on your SHOPPING? => Get real grocery coupons that you can PRINT! => Save hundreds of dollars. At: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=915&a=CD5481 AOL Users: Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~() +=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** This little girl runs into her house, tears running down her face. She races up to her mother and says, "Mum, Mum, can I have a glass of cider?" "Why on earth do you want cider?" asks her confused and concerned mother. "To take the pain away," sobs the little girl. Obviously the mother refuses, but the girl keeps on crying and eventually her mother pours her a glass of cider in an attempt to shut her up. The little girl grabs the glass and immediately puts her hand into it. "It doesn't work," screams the little girl. "What do you mean?" asks her mother. "Well," sniffs the little girl, "I overheard my sister saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider." +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** This guy is about to jump off a bridge, when all of a sudden, behind him he hears "Don't jump! Don't jump!" He looks around and there is an ugly-ugly old broad. She says "Don't jump. I am a witch and I can grant you any three wishes you want." He starts to think about money and cars, and says "What's the catch?" "You have to sleep with me first," says the old broad. He looks at the ugly hag but finally agrees. They go to her place and WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM! He then says "For my first wish..." She interrupts him and asks, "How old are you?" He answers,"forty-two." And she asks,"And you still believe in witches?" zzzzFind your dream vacation at Away.comzzzz From sun-drenched beaches in southern Spain to a hiking weekend in the Grand Canyon, you can find your dream vacation at Away.com, as well as many discounts! Start on the road to PARADISE. At: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=1062&a=CD5481 AOL Users: Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~() ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
