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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Funny Looking Net People Gallery would like to invite you, attractive Joke E-Mail reader, to visit its free gallery of strange and scary pictures of people on the internet. Browse our gallery now at http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com and laugh at other people's expense. (This offer does not apply to ugly readers.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 08 September 4th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ ** Hi everyone! We've got some BIG news this week! The JokeEmail site is undergoing a massive overhaul, and it should be ready someday this week. We'll send you an email when it's all finished! We have added a host of new features, including a search engine, easier navigation, and free @jokeemail.com email addresses! We'll keep you posted! Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== .... Find a Partner WHILE YOU SLEEP..... AT Love Personals, you place a FREE ad, and get replies while you sleep! - PLACE a FREE ad - See who responds.... - Browse the ads and photos - who do you like? Just TRY it today and you never know what might happen! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 AOL Users: Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Elvis has left the bathroom! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/elvis.html ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him. "I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Goddamn it Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!" +=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms." -From Tina. Check out http://Pagepals.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Need an Escort Service? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/eservice.html This guy can Fart-Fire! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/fartfire.html Know somebody with GOLF EXCUSES? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/golfexcuse.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Topical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Richard Hatch, the ‘Survivor’ winner and 3 of his fellow finalists, teamed up to shoot a milk mustache add for the ‘got milk’ campaign... - shooting was actually delayed several times as every time Richard got the creamy white milk on his upper lip, he kept licking it off and uttering the words..... ”hmmmm Rudy’ - In sticking to his original strategy, Sean couldn’t make the photo shoot as he was also scheduled to shoot an add for eggs....and we all know the ‘E’ comes before ‘M’ in the alphabet ** The California Supreme court has ruled that being an anonymous sperm donor does not entitle you to unlimited rights of privacy, and it does not mean you may not called in to court to testify in any legal proceedings... ...that is of course assuming that after all those years of giving sperm donations you are actually able to lift up your right hand to be sworn in ** Madonna has announced that she will wed Guy Ritchie, the father of her second child at the end of this year... ...I hope Madonna realizes what she is doing and the effect it has on others. All we need now is a flock of unwed mothers actually getting married...what’s next, children born during a marriage? ** A Pennsylvania meat processor is voluntarily recalling almost 7,000 pounds of cheese franks that may be contaminated with metal fragments... ...what are they so afraid of? Odds are anyone that is actually buying cheese franks probably doesn’t have a whole lot of teeth in their mouth anyway -All from Billy Hine at http://www.airsick.net +=- Book Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Children's Books That Didn't Quite Make It... - You Are Different and That's Bad - The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables - Dad's New Wife Robert - Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share - Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence - The Little Sissy Who Snitched - The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator - The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy - Strangers Have the Best Candy - You Were an Accident - Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will - Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games - Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? - Daddy Drinks Because You Cry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** "Mummy, is our au-pair a robot?" asked little Jenny sweetly. "Heavens, no" her mother said "whatever made you think that?" "Well," the little girl said "I overheard daddy telling uncle Norman that he screwed the ass of the au-pair last night." +=- WORST Jokes EVER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Has to be a contender: An old geezer pulled over alongside a deserted country sideroad because he was having engine troubles with his old pickup truck. He lifted the front hood of the pickup to take a look at the problem. A few minutes later, the old geezer noticed another pickup off in the distance. He watched with caution as it approached, and swerved from one side of the road to the next. Soon, the pickup came to a stop alongside the old geezer. He acknowledged the three Indians who were sitting across the front seat of the pickup, "Good day, friends." One of the Indians asked, "What's the problem?" The old geezer remarked, "Piston broke." The three Indians replied, "So are we!" ~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm hungry! Is there anything to eat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie's Country Cookin'. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@topica.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) +=- Election Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Education in Texas has improved greatly under the George W. Bush administration. Now, 60% of Texas 6th graders read at a higher level than the Governor. Under Governor Ann Richards, few if any achieved these levels of literacy. +=- More Topical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Top Eight Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires: 8. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law." 7. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit." 6. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?" 5. "Pop a set on your car today." 4. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?" 3. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit." 2. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something." 1. "You can't recall a better tire." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Join Now - mailto:laughing@uswest.net?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Variation on a classic joke There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.... ... he then married the one with the biggest tits. +=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Two southern girls were sitting on their front porch one evening. One girl had just arrived back from New York and she was telling her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city. In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know, they have women up there who have sex with other women." In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my! What do they call them?" "They call them lesbians. "And there's men who have sex with other men,"says the women. "They call them homosexuals." Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, "And, they have these men up there that will put their face in a woman's privates and kiss all around... "Do tell!"gasps her friend, "What do they call them?" "Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him Precious." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * Hot Adult Humor, short but never sweet! * Something to make you blush & laugh! * Tons Of FREE Stuff! * Send a blank e-mail to: * NekiasJokes-subscribe@listbot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) +=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching... Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner. As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her. She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!" +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck." "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck." Join the Buffalo for breakfast. We are serving up a batch of TastyChips (adult jokes) with Lynn's Links and a garnish of free offers . For reservations send a blank e-mail to : mailto:Buffalos-Adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or visit http://www.buffalosjokes.com Buffalos Jokes not one of those vegetarian jokelists. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) Refs: 50866, 50858, 50867 ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
