|
JOIN! |
Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >>
|
|
|
||||||
| Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >> | ||||||||
| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Play LOTTO 4 CASH, its FAST, its FREE, and best of all you have 25+ chances to win thousands of dollars each week !! http://www.lotto4cash.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 02 July 24th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ ** Hi Folks! I can give you a bit more info about our new site 1Cartoons.com! When we launch, it will have over 30 different daily cartoons for you to enjoy every single day! Also, you will be able to vote for your favorites, and check out the Top 10 Toons based on the votes! I'll keep you informed when I get more info! Have a great week! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== DOUBLE your Internet Speed, Surf up to 100% FASTER! Why surf slowly, when you can supercharge your connection? Join for FREE today and you can WIN a Mercedes E320 !! TOTALLY FREE INSTALLATION, takes less than 5 minutes At: http://www.jokeemail.com/netsetter.htm Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== *** HEY !! HAVE YOU GOT A BIRTHDAY? *** IF you have, you can enter EZSweeps FIVE MILLION DOLLAR sweepstake! YES, if your birthday date comes up, you collect! Just another reason why EZSweeps is the number 1 sweepstakes site on the Net. Register today, and EZSweeps will automatically enter you everyday for various sweeps totally free - increasing your chances!! All Absolutely FREE! Click Here ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together.Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life." "What happened?" asks Birnbaum. Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!" "You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!" "How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!" "You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture menswear... " +=- Political Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** TOP 10 GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS 1) I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show! 2) I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time. 3) I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns. 4) Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right? 5) Vote for the GOP, Not OPP. 6) I promise no sex scandal: just look at me. 7) New penal plan: I won't use mine! 8) Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks. 9) George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers 10) Vote for Bush and against Common Sense. The Funny Looking Net People Gallery would like to invite you, attractive Joke E-Mail reader, to visit its free gallery of strange and scary pictures of people on the internet. Browse our gallery now at http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com and laugh at other people's expense. (This offer does not apply to ugly readers.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1every2) +=- Police Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ POLICE ONE-LINERS => "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?" => "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" => "The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets." => "Your life is not my fault." => "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." => "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." => "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" => "Every dog has it's day. Good dogs have two." => "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." => "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" => "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkeypoop." => "Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid." => "Just how big were those two beers?" => "You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride." => "Shoot them until they think they're dead." ** Q. What do you call a snooty prisoner walking downstairs? A. A condescending con descending. -From Tina +=- Motivational Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Ineffective Daily Affirmations.. => I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. => I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. => I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. => I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. => Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." => False hope is nicer than no hope at all. => A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. => Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute . . . I'll find someone. => To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. Join the Buffalo for breakfast .. We are serving up a batch of Spicy Chips ( adult jokes ) with LynnLynn's Links and a garnish of sweepstakes and free offers . For reservations send a blank e-mail to : mailto:Buffalos-adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com Everything in a jokelist you will ever want and free also. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble on the Job 1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. 2) The Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area. 3) Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever." 4) You've got a "It's for you loser" sound when you receive email. 5) Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend. 6) The Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record. 7) Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract. 8) You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work. 9) Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster. 10) Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry." 11) The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you. +=- Real Life Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** I've just been prescribed "Rizatriptan" for migraine headaches. After reading the accompanying data sheet, I wonder whether this is really what I need.... USES: This medication is used to treat acute migraine attacks. SIDE EFFECTS: Drowsiness, dizziness, dry mouth, nausea or headache may occur. CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Preview webtv format http://www.humorhwy.com/CT-webtv.html Join - Send mailto:cybertrash@humorhwy.com?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- More Career Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door - "Ticket please." +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** THE PERFECT MAN The perfect man is gentle, Never cruel or mean; He has a beautiful smile, And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side. He will be a darn good father And a husband to his bride. The perfect man loves cooking, Cleaning and vacuuming, too. He'll do anything in his power To show his love to you. The perfect man is sweet, Writing poetry in your name. He's a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain. He never makes you cry Or hurt in any way. Oh, f**k this stupid poem... The perfect man is gay. The Family that laughs together stays together Our weekly Clean Jokes Digest ensures rip-roaring fun for the whole family. Plus a weekly cartoon! Send a blank email/ no subject to CleanHumorDigest-subscribe@listbot.com Check out our site! http://www.jokesnstuff.net/digest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?" Jewish Jokes CONTROL THE MEDIA! Subscribe to the Oy Vey! =*= send mailto:subscribe-oyvey@lists.doseme.com =*= =* http://www.oyvey.co.il - The Largest Jewish Joke List! *= * * * * * * BONUS! * * * * * * Want to put the "Oy Vey!" on your site? Take it! FREE! mailto:webquest-oyvey@thedailydose.com Control YOUR Media! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds." -From Val +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass." Join the Buffalo for breakfast .. We are serving up a batch of Spicy Chips ( adult jokes ) with LynnLynn's Links and a garnish of sweepstakes and free offers . For reservations send a blank e-mail to : mailto:Buffalos-adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com Everything in a jokelist you will ever want and free also. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
