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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Play LOTTO 4 CASH, its FAST, its FREE, and best of all you have 25+ chances to win thousands of dollars each week !! http://www.lotto4cash.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 01 July 17th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ ** Hi Folks! Another bumper issue this week that I hope you all enjoy! Been another busy week as work continues on 1Cartoons.com - one of our sister sites that we hope to roll out by the end of the Summer. We're keeping things under wraps at the moment, but it will feature some great cartoons, and I'm sure you'll like them. Have a great week! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== SHOPPING FOR A LOAN __used__ TO BE DIFFICULT.... NOT ANYMORE! LoanApp saves YOU time and money. With a single application, you'll receive multiple offers from Brokers and Lenders who want to make you the BEST DEAL. THEY'LL COMPETE, so you get the best deal! on mortgages, home equity loans, credit cards and more COMPLETE ONE application, and it will be sent to 4 lenders/brokers, who will contact you directly to bid for your business. No more calling around and being put on hold. No more confusing Rates, APR-s, Points and Fees. At: http://www.jokeemail.com/loanapp.htm ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== WONDERCLICK ** FREE** SWEEPSTAKES Wonderclick is a fantastic free sweepstakes site that gives YOU a great chance of winning GREAT PRIZES! There are hundreds of sweeps to enter in loads of categories, and if you can return everyday to enter AGAIN for some of the prizes! ** JOIN NOW! At: http://www.jokeemail.com/wonderclick.htm ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The Top 13 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped 13) You've got Windows on your laptop. 12) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 11) Your dork is ajar. 10) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 9) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 8) Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 7) Elvis Junior has left the building! 6) Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant! 5) Lil' Shaq's at the free show line. 4) Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out. 3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2) I see you have an opening in senior management. And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped... 1) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. +=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying, "I need 45 gallons of milk." He knocked on the door and a beautiful dumb blond answered it. "Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked. "No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac." "Really," replied the milkman, "Do you want that pasteurized?" "No, up to my tits would be fine," she said. History is much more fun when served with a twist. More than just a list of events, we help you understand them. A quick bio of someone born on this day, several events, a holiday you probably didn't know about, closing with a few quotes from great characters. http://www.twistedhistory.com mailto:twisted@whidbey.com?subject=Subscribe_AEC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- Foreign Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now exited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run, he got four balls." The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, laddy...walk with pride!" +=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** "Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples: => "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise." (And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.) => "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity." (No problem ...) => "I am very detail-oreinted." (With the possible exception of spelling) => "I can play well with others." (We'll be sure to tell your mommy.) => "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel." (A new twist on work-family balance.) => "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales." (Have you considered law school?) => "My salary requirement is $34 per year." (They say money isn't everything.) => "Served as assistant sore manager." (Ouch.) => "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle." (So you're willing to travel?) => "Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco." (Definitely to the point.) => "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job." (We're glad you're not bitter.) WHAT'S THIS NONSENSE? Those lovable scamps, Linky & Dinky, find the DARNdest Web Links, and compile them for us in a highly disorganized, scattershot manner... from the brainy, to the bizarre, to the obtuse, Linky & Dinky rule! Always a FUN stop. Don't miss the Magic Trick, it's a DOOZY! http://www.linkydinky.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Jerry let his friend set him up on a blind date. After an evening of pure hell, he called his friend to give him a piece of his mind. Sam answered the phone only to hear the rage in Jerry's voice. "What is your problem?" Sam asked. "Damn you!" Jerry raged. "It was terrible! Pure hell, I tell you! Her measurements were 36-24-36!" "Terrible?" exclaimed the friend, "I can't understand why you're complaining!" Sam shouted back. " She was really well built!" Jerry yelled, "Sam, you jerk, her other leg was the same!" +=- Tax Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** [Question was: IRS requires you report illegal income on your taxes. Does this violate your 5th Amendment right not to admit crimes?] It wouldn't be if the reporting of it doesn't trigger any sort of police investigation. That is, if I report $35,000, and enumerated this simply as "illegal income", and the IRS held this confidential, then there would be no 5th Amendment violation because it would not constitute testimony against oneself. If IRS comes snooping around, and their ONLY inquiry is whether you're paying the right amount of taxes, and they don't tell the Navy about your submarine-eating "tanker", or the county tax assessor about the secret underground headquarters, or the FBI about the stolen space shuttle... then in theory they haven't violated the Fifth Amendment. "Okay, Mr. Blofeld, we're satisfied that James Bond destroyed your stolen nuclear bomb. We'd like you to know that the IRS empathizes with your loss. We can't agree with your valuation on the nuclear device, which we place at only $2.4 million. However the point is moot since we'll allow your full value for the yacht, and that with the bomb exceeds your illegal gains, and you can't deduct illegal losses in excess of illegal gains. "Oh, and Mr. Blofeld... I've audited a lot of businesses like yours, and let me give you this advice: the next time you capture Mr. Bond, don't tell him your plans. Just kill him." *** FREE PHONE CARD ----->> http://DayTips.com/aec/ *** FREE FREE NEWSLETTERS FREE * Recipes * Recalls * Freebies * Horoscopes * Strange News * Poem-a-Day * Music * Entertainment * Clean Jokes * Sweepstakes * Trivia * Health News ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- More Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** "I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night." one man said to the other. "I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me." +=- Sex Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** "Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away." "I see. What do you want me to do?" The patient implored. "Break my arms." .....check this out....... mailto:subAEC@funnybone.com O__, O__, Join The Funny Bone Mailing Lists /'._.\/______.\_/.'\ ASCII art illustrated humor, \ / / funny jokes, stories, & cartoons. ~^~^~^^`~^~^~^~^~~^~^~^~~^~^~ Join NOW! They're Free! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** For many years, Mattel has sold Barbies to young girls. They have had many different styles. The following are new Barbies that are to be introduced soon. 1. Grocery Shopping Barbie: Comes with it's own shopping cart and 5 of those cute little scale models of grocery products such as Tide Detergent, Heinz Catsup, Del Monte Green Beans, a package of caviar and a package of ground chuck. She is dressed in a Bill Blass Cashmere Sweatsuit. And also wearing diamond earrings, bracelet and diamond ring. 2. Bargain Grocery Shopping Barbie: Comes with a shopping cart with wheels that squeak and spin in circles and make marks on the floor. Also comes with it's own 5 of those cute little scale models of grocery products such as Gain Detergent (Economy Size), Generic Catsup, Generic Green Beans, a can of sardines and a package of ground beef 30% fat. Also wearing Cathy Lee Sportswear made in Bangladesh purchased at Wal Mart. Also comes with jewelry. Includes a mood ring with matching mood bracelet and earrings. This model comes with coupon holder and coupons. And includes a cardboard cut out cartoon balloon that says "Caution, I Use Coupons" 3. Century Barbie: This model is in celebration of the new millenium. But, instead of wearing an evening gown to go out and celebrate the new millenium and carrying her own champagne glass and wearing a party hat, this model is Barbie who was born in 1900. She actually looks as if she is 100 years old. She comes complete with thinning gray hair, plenty of wrinkles, sunk in mouth to appear as if she has no teeth, wearing a shawl, slightly bent over and comes complete with a walker on wheels. As an added realistic twist she also has joints that move. When she moves her face contorts as if in pain and all of the joints make squeaking noises. 4. The Springer Show Barbie: A very unique adaptation of the best selling toy and the show that is sweeping the nation. This model comes with hair died bright orange with black roots. Too much make-up. Clothing includes a leopard print dress, plastic high heel shoes and torn stockings. Jewelry includes a broken necklace. This one also has a voice track. One sound is her shouting "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry." Another voice track is in a southern drawl saying,. "By Gum, there ain't no way you gonna take my man." => This is only the beginning of the new Barbies in the making. An unidentified source states that Mattel is planning more models. Rumor has it that a new one in the making is a space age Barbie and Politically Correct Barbie. More reports will be sent as they are given. Another Larry FlemingOriginal CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Preview webtv format http://www.humorhwy.com/CT-webtv.html Join - Send mailto:cybertrash@humorhwy.com?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey. "Excuse me," the husband says, "Could you tell us the time?" "Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey's balls. "It is 3:00", the man exclaims. "Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time. Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says "It is now 4:45." By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey's balls!" "Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?" "Of course", the man replies. "Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed. "Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that. "Now" the man says, "Can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?" +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club". The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool". The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?". The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples". Join the Buffalo for breakfast .. We are serving up a batch of Spicy Chips ( adult jokes ) with LynnLynn's Links and a garnish of sweepstakes and free offers . For reservations send a blank e-mail to : mailto:Buffalos-adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com Everything in a jokelist you will ever want and free also. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
