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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Play LOTTO 4 CASH, its FAST, its FREE, and best of all you have 25+ chances to win thousands of dollars each week !! http://www.lotto4cash.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 10, No. 10 July 10th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ ** Hi Folks! Finally got everyone transferred to our Lyris hosting which makes subscribing and unsubscribing much easier. To unsubscribe now, simply go to the bottom of this email and send an email to the address. We've had some pretty exciting news this week as Joke Email has teamed up with The Funny Looking Net People Gallery. I highly recommend you take a look at the site at http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com - lots of laughs! Another recommendation is Dash! Just by downloading a FREE piece of software for your browser, you can get upto 25% off major online stores such as JCPenney, GiftTree, CDNow, Dell, MotherNature, ToysRUs and many more! You also get over $250 of free vouchers to spend! See below for more details! I joined today and it took less than 2 minutes to start saving! Problem is, only Internet Explorer users can use Dash the moment ;-( Have a great week! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== SAVE UP TO ** 25% ** AT YOUR FAVORITE STORES! YES, Dash! is a free shopping companion that earns _YOU_ cash back when you shop online. You will get upto 25% cashback from over 120 Internet stores, including Avon, GiftTree, Dell, Outpost, Toys R Us, JCPenney and many many more! Don't earn tokens, coins, points, or other imaginary currencies, just CASH! JOIN NOW! with just your email address, no more info is needed! http://www.jokeemail.com/dash.htm ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== ** NEED FREE VOICEMAIL? ** Join ThinkLink today and receive.... - FREE voicemail over the Internet and Phone. - FREE local phone number - FREE 800 number for life. - a FREE $100 Airfare voucher good for any major airline, and - 5¢ a minute domestic calling anywhere in the continental US, anytime. This is too good to miss! Join NOW! Click Here ===== +=- Childrens Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Apparently a true story... As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Mommy, where's my booger?" +=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A not so bright blonde woman had always wanted to travel abroad. She had saved her money for several years, and finally had enough for her dream vacation. Until now, she'd never even been out of the country, so naturally she needed a passport. She went to the Passport Office and asked what she needed to do to get a passport. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The blonde raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" The Blonde's face turned pale and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "What.... all on my own?" The Funny Looking Net People Gallery is a collection of strange and scary pictures of people online. Attractive internet users are invited to visit it now at http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1every2) +=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Fake Job Application Form for Burger establishment... => NAME: Greg Bulmash => SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. => DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. => DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. => EDUCATION: Yes. => LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. => SALARY: Less than I'm worth. => REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. => HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. => PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. => DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. => MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? => DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU => FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? => HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. => WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. => DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. => SIGN HERE: Aries. -humor by Greg Bulmash +=- Lawyer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Q. You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do? A. Shoot the lawyer.......... .........twice. *** FREE PHONE CARD ----->> http://DayTips.com/aec/ *** FREE FREE NEWSLETTERS FREE * Recipes * Recalls * Freebies * Horoscopes * Strange News * Poem-a-Day * Music * Entertainment * Clean Jokes * Sweepstakes * Trivia * Health News ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Types of Girlfriends.. => Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, main squeeze, doormat. Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly. Disadvantages: May wise up someday. => Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell. Advantages: Pays attention to you. Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans. => Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy. Advantages: Predictable. Disadvantages: Contagious. => Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out. Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs. => Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless pig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly. Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you. Disadvantages: You will have no friends. => Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous. Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited. Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you. +=- Sex Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes." The Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour." The Englishman says, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for 6 hours." The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes." Were hot dogs ever made of dogs? How do astronauts use the bathroom in space? What's so French about French fries? For the answer to these and other curious questions, go to http://go.mailbits.com/trivia.asp?4670.2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) +=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried, though, about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So, King Arthur went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard told the king to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory. The good wizard showed the king his latest invention. It was a chastity belt -- except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m' lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. Then, he inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt, whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately upon his return, he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" Sir Galahad was speechless... +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place. Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then. "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation." CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Preview webtv format http://www.humorhwy.com/CT-webtv.html Join - Send mailto:cybertrash@humorhwy.com?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
