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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** AniFlash.com *** AniFlash has great Flash-animated greeting cards and cartoons, including the increasingly popular "Little Ray" cartoons. Come visit Little Ray at the hottest new Flash site on the web! http://www.aniflash.com AniFlash ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 10, No. 06 June 12th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 17,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ ** Hi Folks! A load of great jokes in this week's issue.... just browse on below to find them all! You may notice that you are still receiving this through eGroups.com - we are still in the process of moving all your subscriptions to our new host, and this should be done very soon. Remember, you don't have to do anything and you will start receiving Joke Email from our Lyris list at sjMail.com from next week onwards! ;-) Have a great week! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== Double your Internet Speed, Surf up to 100% faster! Why surf slowly, when you can supercharge your connection? Join for FREE today and you can WIN a Mercedes E320 !! TOTALLY FREE INSTALLATION, takes less than 5 minutes Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they f**k you every time!" +=- Grammer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Jack Schitt Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says; "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now, you can handle the situation: Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of KneeDeep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins - Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt. Against his parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a Mongoloid son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them. FREE long distance phone card (40 min.) - no obligation 40 MINUTES FREE JUST FOR JOINING DAYTIPS' EZINES ///////////////////////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ It's a no-brainer! Join today -->> http://DayTips.com/aec/ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ///////////////////////////// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- Sign Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** SIGNS ON BATHROOM WALLS "Friends don't let friends take home ugly men". Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE "Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?" 7Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia "No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit". Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. Carolina "Express Lane: Five beers or less". Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA "You're too good for him". Sign over mirror Women's room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA "No wonder you always go home alone". Sign over mirror in Men's room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA "If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington". Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington "Beauty is only a light switch away". Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina "If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives". Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C. "What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands". Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY +=- Golf Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating. Once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!" I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second shot?" WHAT'S THIS NONSENSE? Those lovable scamps, Linky & Dinky, find the DARNdest Web Links, and compile them for us in a highly disorganized, scattershot manner... from the brainy, to the bizarre, to the obtuse, Linky & Dinky rule! Always a FUN stop. Don't miss the Magic Trick, it's a DOOZY! http://www.linkydinky.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- Children Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!" Seeking Quality Adult Humor,Punchlines can Deliver,Amusing Original,PG-2-R-U-Ready-2-Laugh Ezine-Links,Trivia, & More >>Delivered to your mail FREE, sign up today << * Email:BaileysLt@aol.com or use the link below * Http://www.angelfire.com/electronic/punchlines ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. ** Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. ** What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. ** How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. ** Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. ** What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. ** When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it. ** How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short. ** What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married. -From Joan +=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Did you hear about the blonde who... ... had more on her body than on her mind? ... got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? ... was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient? ... had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs? ... was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat? ... went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? ... brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? ... thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease? ... thought that intercourse was a state highway? BIG MAC JOKES now comes in two flavors, "R", and clean. For "R", go to http://bigmacjokeattack.listbot.com, or send a blank email to bigmacjokeattack-subscribe@listbot.com For "clean", go to http://bigmaccleanjokeattac@listbot.com, or a blank email to bigmaccleanjokeattac-subscribe@listbot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ => NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world => DESCRIPTION:One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species. => SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen! => HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places. => ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men. => WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected. CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow. SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success. => CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet. FREE long distance phone card (40 min.) - no obligation 40 MINUTES FREE JUST FOR JOINING DAYTIPS' EZINES ///////////////////////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ It's a no-brainer! Join today -->> http://DayTips.com/aec/ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ///////////////////////////// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
