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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** AniFlash.com *** AniFlash has great Flash-animated greeting cards and cartoons, including the increasingly popular "Little Ray" cartoons. Come visit Little Ray at the hottest new Flash site on the web! http://www.aniflash.com AniFlash ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 10, No. 04 May 29th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 17,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A bumper issue this week to keep you going! Hope you all enjoy the jokes, and don't forget to try Netsetter - it can DOUBLE the speed at which you surf the Net, and it is TOTALLY FREE! See below for details. Have a great week! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== ** FREE ** Internet Call Waiting for Life! Never Miss A Phone Call Again! Dial-up Internet user? Single phone line? Missing important calls? Not anymore if you use BuzMe! Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Double your Internet Speed, Surf up to 100% faster! Why surf slowly, when you can supercharge your connection? Join for FREE today and you can WIN a Mercedes E320 !! TOTALLY FREE INSTALLATION, takes less than 5 minutes Click Here ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!" "Simple", replied the Priest... "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!" For more jokes like these, check out http://www.jokeemail.com/general.htm +=- Betting Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different. Something unusual was about to happen. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month. Threes - that was it! He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win. The horse ran third. -From Ayodele Fagbola ### Fun & Silly Greetings! ### Stop sending boring electronic greeting cards and send a Fun & Silly Greeting. Free greeting cards, funpages, jokes, cartoons, and more! All FUN and all FREE! http://www.funsilly.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- You Know You're Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** You Just Might Be A Redneck If... => You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. => Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" => You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' => Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. => The value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. => Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. => You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. => You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. => You win the most fingers and toes contest at your local bar. => If you read these and say "Yeah, so.....what's your point?" For more jokes like these, check out http://www.jokeemail.com/youknow.htm * Bored with your current daily joke e-mail list ??? * Then step UP to the "KING OF ALL JOKES" >>> The best Adult Humor and Puzzles <<< * Just Send a blank e-mail to * mailto:KINGOFALLJOKES-subscribe@topica.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) +=- Female Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside, and bestowed on him 20 years of a normal sex life. man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten is plenty." Man spoke up and said: "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed. The Lord called the lion, and also gave him 20 years. The lion too, wanted only 10. Again, Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," said the lion. Then, came the donkey, who was given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked to the spare 10 years, and got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making a jack@$$ our of himself. -From Rachel B HAVE YOU LOST CONTROL OF YOUR COMPUTER?! *LOL* If so, go: http://www.angelfire.com/ia2/megajoke/control.html Free Daily Jokes, Insults, and Forwards http://megajokes.tsx.org or mailto:megajoke@netins.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) +=- Real Life Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Say What? Sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support: 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why. 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it. 7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows. 8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. 9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory. 10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. 12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. 13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference. 14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. 15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. 16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor. +=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said... "Paint my house!" THE MALE AND FEMALE BRAINS! What are they thinking? *LOL* http://www.angelfire.com/ia2/megajoke/brain.html Free Daily Jokes, Insults, and Forwards http://megajokes.tsx.org or mailto:megajoke@netins.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???" +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Following on from the extremely popular Training Courses for Women, comes this new program from the same people.... Training Courses Now Available for Men: ============================= => 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop => 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge => 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral => 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead => 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! => 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away => 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back => 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore! => 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In => 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In => 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink => 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! => 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! => 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill => 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts => 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves => 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! => 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means => 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's => 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category => 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote => 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh => 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet => 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed => 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! => 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty => 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them => 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime => 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It * ** * ** * ** * WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? * ** * ** * ** * Discover why thousands of people start their day by reading "That's Comedy!" For your free subscription send an email to subscribe@ThatsComedy.com JOIN TODAY Great jokes plus links to funny files, movies and photos ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Rules Men Wish Women Knew: => If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us. => Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. => Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it. => Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors. => ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really. => You have enough clothes. => You have too many shoes. => No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will. => We're bound to miss sometimes! => A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor. => Check your oil. => Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. => Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. => You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both. => Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. => Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. => Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be! +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?" >> For more jokes like these, check out http://www.jokeemail.com/tasteless.htm CyberTrash - A Very Spicy Adult Humor Ezine Three Quick Funnies - Every Single Day - WebTV friendly, Preview CyberTrash now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/CT.html Join Now - Send mailto:cybertrash@humorhwy.com?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
