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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAVE FUN WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX. They won't be able to keep their hands off you. So much fun and so easy, it should be illegal - but it's not. It is the awesome power of pheromones! Promote thoughts of sex, love and romance with sexual attractants called pheromones. Consumers report they work! SATISFACTION GUARANTEED. Power up your sex appeal today! As seen on TV. Click here now: http://www.pheromonesrus.com/index13z.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 9, No. 09 April 24th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 17,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** We have been having a think here at Joke Email.com and we reckon we may have come up with a few ideas that may interest you - our subscribers! We're thinking of adding a Daily cartoon, Joke, and funny animation or program - what do you think? We'd love to hear any feedback you have on this - or anything else you'd like to see on the site (maybe your own @JokeEmail.com email address?). We've also purchased the domain name 1Cartoons.com, and hope to have a massive cartoon database there in the Summer. Hope you all enjoy the jokes, and don't forget to try Netsetter - it can DOUBLE the speed at which you surf the Net, and it is TOTALLY FREE! See below for details. Have a great week! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== Double your Internet Speed, Surf up to 100% faster! Why surf slowly, when you can supercharge your connection? Join for FREE today and you can WIN a Mercedes E320 !! TOTALLY FREE INSTALLATION, takes less than 5 minutes Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== ** WIN ** $1,000,000 plus thousands of other cash prizes FREE every night. Since June 1, 1999 over 900,000 of our players have won CARS AND CASH playing FreeLotto. Join now for a chance at a million, plus thousands of other cash prizes Click Here ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and his Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's gonads and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without even so much as a look back. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?" "Oh, good heavens no" the man replies, "I work for the IRS" INTERESTED IN THE DOMAIN GOLDRUSH? Yes? Then find out how to buy and sell domain names at a profit. Many good names sell for over $10,000 everyday. Find out all the FREE information you need to take a slice of this lucrative market - and find out how much your domain is worth for FREE! For a free valuation: Click Here For all the info - follow this link then click through to the "forums": Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +=-Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way." +=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A panda bear walks into a bar, sits on a stool and starts munching on some peanuts. He finishes the bowl and pulls out a gun. He shoots the guy sitting beside him and starts to make for the door. "Why'd you do that?!?" the bartender asks, stunned. "Look 'panda' up in the encyclopedia." the bear answers as he walks out the door and starts down the street. Puzzled, the bartender shakes his head and goes back to work. Later that night when the bartender gets home he looks in his encyclopedia and is startled by what he sees: "Panda - A wild animal that eats shoots and leaves" -From Scott Sontag Let's face it. Stupid people are FUNNY! The Bonehead of the Day mailing list finds the best of them all from major news sources and tells you all about them! mailto:bonehead-subscribe@egroups.com to join or visit our web site at: http://bonehead.oddballs.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" -From Scott Sontag +=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Dictionary Of Dating DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man. EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does. SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. FREE ELECTRONIC GREETING CARDS! Better than E-mail and perfect for EASTER, Birthdays, Graduations, or just to say "Hi" - Just try it today...IT'S FREE! http://www.angelfire.com/ia2/megajoke/card.html Also: FREE Daily Jokes, Insults, Forwards, and more! http://megajokes.tsx.org or mailto:megajoke@netins.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- Short Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Bad Headline: "Dr. Alex Comfort, author of 'The Joy of Sex' has died, after a series of strokes." -- ----From the Times, 28th March 2000. ** Did you hear about the gay football player? He went from tight end to wide receiver! -From Shari +=- Little Johnnie Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom, one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed preparing for a quickie by sliding a condom on. In attempt to hide his condom-covered erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed. "Whatta ya doin', dad?" Little Johnny asked. "Uhhhh . . . I thought I saw the cat go underneath the bed," his father quickly replied. "Really, Dad? Whatta ya gonna do, screw it?" Pssst, YOU! Yeah, *YOU*! Are you a Sinner? Are you man or woman enough to handle the *Original Sins*? Join the Sinner's Hall of Shame for a look into WILD, SEXY and FUNNY adult news reports, quotes, jokes, quips and lyrics! Start your day off with SIN! originalsins-subscribe@topica.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- Old Age Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral." +=- More Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Politically Correct Terms: She is not a BABE or a CHICK. She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER. She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY. She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT. She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She has not BEEN AROUND. She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED. She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY. She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She does not have a KILLER BODY. She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She is not an AIRHEAD. She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY. She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY. She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS. She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She does not NAG YOU. She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. She is not a SLUT. She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE. She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. FREE BEER! WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO SAY? http://www.angelfire.com/ia2/megajoke/beer.html Also: Free Daily Jokes, Insults, and Forwards! http://megajokes.tsx.org or mailto:megajoke@netins.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ **Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four hundred and seventy one: 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb; 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry; 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D; 34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs; 9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs; 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb; 41 to chat with defence contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead; And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet. +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either.Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds. She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman". "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?". "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied. "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease" *CLEAN JOKES** **CLEAN JOKES** **CLEAN JOKES** Jokes EveryDay will send you 3 clean jokes to your e-mail daily. Sign up for FREE and join 50,000+ readers who already enjoy it! To SIGN UP for FREE send a e-mail to: mailto:join-jokeseveryday@lists.dundee.net Or visit us at our website: http://www.jokeseveryday.com?a ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
