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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STOP SNORING with SNORELESS! "Featured on the Regis and Kathie Lee show". Give yourself and your partner a good night's sleep." An amazing NEW spray that stops snoring in a snap. No dental devices or surgery necessary. A perfect gift for all occasions. Order today at just $20.00. It comes with a money back GUARANTEE. Click here now: http://www.healthieralternatives.com/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 9, No. 06 April 3rd, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 16,500!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hi everyone. With the oscars well and truly over, we have finally got a few oscars jokes for you to digest. Enjoy them, and take a look at our new contributor's site at http://www.airsick.net. Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== MasterCard 100% GUARANTEED* APPROVAL Do you want your own New MasterCard with 100% Guaranteed* APPROVAL No Matter What? NO Upfront Cash Security Deposit - NO Credit Check - NO Turndowns Even Bankruptcy is Accepted http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=800&a=cd5481 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Visit Silkies online hosiery shop, preview the products and have a FREE sample pair delivered to your home for trying the "No-Obligation-To-Buy"" hosiery program. http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=814&a=cd5481 ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Pope John Paul II returned home to the Vatican after his trip to visit the Holy Land in the Middle East......The pontiff said he enjoyed the trip very much, and he was glad he got to do it, but it wasn't his first choice. Next time he will book his trip earlier as he didn't realize how hard it was to get a hotel for Spring Break in Florida. ** Paul McCartney has announced to the world that he is indeed dating an amputee by the name of Heather Mills......which made Ringo very happy. This way if the Beatles ever do reunite again, he knows his job as a drummer is still safe ** Haley Joel Osment has been inked to star in a new movie about the youngest census taker in history......the new movie is entitled ‘The 6th Census’ the kid’s big line in the movie is, I don’t count dead people ** The battle over 6 year old Elian Gonzalez continues over if he should return home to his native Cuba......I have a surefire way to get the kid home. Just tell him Michael Jackson wants to meet him privately and the kid will probably swim all the way back to Cuba himself ** The new show God, the Devil and Bob has been canceled by NBC......I guess even the lambs blood on the studio door couldn’t save this one ** 78 year old comedian Rodney Dangerfield had to undergo double bypass surgery.......after the procedure, the comedian says he is going to have to change a lot of things in his life, starting with his act. He now says that getting no respect is a heck of a lot better than getting no pulse ** Reports of Whitney Houston being out of it, flubbing lines and bizarre behavior are continuing after she was allegedly fired before her Oscar Awards show scheduled performance......remember Whitney, the first step on the road to recovery is admitting to yourself, Houston you got a problem >> All above from Billy Hine - http://www.airsick.net MULTIMEDIA HUMOR EMAG AVHumor is an adult oriented, twice weekly completely free hilariousEMag, of Audio and Visual multimedia humor, such as cartoons, photos, movies, audio clips and programs. It is the funniest PG, R X ratedMultimedia twice weekly EMag on the net. To subscribe E-mail: AV-Subscribe@avhumor.com and put "Subscribed From 1754" in the subject line. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=-Darwin Award Nominees: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ => South Carolina: An angry man walked into his local police station and threw a bag of cocaine on the counter. He told the desk sergeant that it was a substandard cut and demanded that dealer he bought it from be arrested. => San Antonio, Texas: Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic found eighteen packages of marijuana packed in the engine compartment of the car. The woman, who had taken her car in for an oil change said that she did not realize he would have to lift the hood to get the job done. => Pontiac, Michigan: Charged with drug-possession, Christopher Johns claimed that he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer did not need a warrant because a bulge in Johns's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day. When he handed the judge the jacket, a bag of cocaine fell out. The judge required a five minute recess so that he could gain his composure. => Norristown, Pennsylvania: Accused of selling drugs, Howard Jones's attorney sought to lower his client's bail from $150,000 insisting that Jones would not think about fleeing. At that very instant, Jones sprinted out of the front door of the courtroom. He was caught fifty minutes later and his bail was raised to $500,000. => New Jersey: New Jersey Trooper Glenn Lubertazzi stopped a car for speeding and began asking the three passengers routine questions. When of the them got a cigarette from them glove compartment, the officer noticed that the pack contained a marijuana joint. A search of the car turned up $32,000 of drug money and several pounds of marijuana. +=- Oscar Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** 'American Beauty' was the top winner of the Oscars taking home 5 Oscars......and of course Jennifer Lopez was there and won her big award for 'American Booty' ** Warren Beatty received the Thalberg honorary award at the Academy Awards and proceeded to give an extremely long, boring and unfunny speech...it got so bad that at one point his very pregnant wife Annette Benning was seen in the audience trying to induce labor just so she could get the hell out of there ** His speech was so long in fact that presenter Jack Nicholson actually sobered up before it was over >> All above from Billy Hine - http://www.airsick.net ** A Chilean group recently staged a mock Academy awards ceremony, where they presented exactly one "Oscar": to Gen. Augusto Pinochet, for his performance as "The English Patient". The General did not attend the ceremony. How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) +=- Slacker Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** SLACKERS RULES => I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. => I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. => I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. => I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. => I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable, regardless of the amount of time given. => I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero. => If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. => I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. => I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. => I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. => I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. +=- Nerd Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a licence, he says. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car, screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure they are," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!!!" 380 ENTERTAINING NEWSLETTERS ON OVER 100 TOPICS! Looking for a few GOOD newsletters? Want a FREE newsletter delivered to your mailbox? Don't know where to get them? Go to LISTWORLD.net!! We have all the newsletters you want for FREE!! They are all FREE, ALL the time! List World ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) +=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome." She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands." He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please." Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but notm joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?" St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day." "Why? Don't they have better things to do?" Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks." +=- Sexist Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Top 10 reasons why it's tough being a bloke.... 1) You have to take out the garbage. 2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000. 3) No sofas in your restrooms. 4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. 5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry. 6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years. 7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. 8) You have to wear ties. 9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam. 10) "Women and children first." http://www.doseme.com - Your Personal Galactic eZine Portal! "We have permitted our naval capability to deteriorate. At the same time we are better than we were a few years ago." -- Caspar Weinberger, U.S. Secretary of Defense, 1982 FREE :) bonus: mailto:subscribe-dailydose@lists.doseme.com http://www.doseme.com - Great Lists! All Free! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her." The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself." +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". "Yeah, my wife..." Are You ABLE TO LAUGH? From a "G" rated "Oh, Wow!!"...to an "X" rated "Hot Diggity!!" For 10 jokes, and links to...toons, sound files, and fun sites... Address Mail To: thorn@netport.com In the Subject put: amuse me! 2000 jokes and 200 toons on the site http://www.freeholes.com/joke/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
