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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here's a funny joke: Your eating habits. If you eat fat foods, chow on chocolate, drink coffee and take supplements, better go to FitnessLink. It's no-fluff motivational news, easy-to-follow exercise programs and everything fitness. Check out why the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, Family PC and Yahoo say it's the finest in fitness. Free fit-trivia ezine and fitness pinup pictures, too. http://www.fitnesslink.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(5) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 9, No. 01 February 28th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 14,700!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hope you enjoy all the jokes! Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then." ** "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." !! +=- Redneck Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The Top 40 Things You'll NEVER Hear A Redneck Say...... EVER. 40. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrestling's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who cares who won the Civil War? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spitting is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate. 8. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. You All. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'. 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight. Check out Heco's Spicy Joke list, it maybe naughty, it maybe raunchy, but it is very funny! Free jokes and cartoons in your mail box! send blank email to mailto:heco-subscribe@onelist.com Have to be over 18 to join. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- Nasa Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** On the Palm website, when describing the battery life of the new Palm IIIc color model, it says: "The rechargeable lithium ion battery gives you over two weeks of constant run time, or 14 days of normal use." Now we know who hired those engineers that NASA fired. +=- Mother Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job." 7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" 8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" 11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." 12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand. 14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like." Do you like Adult Jokes?...Come join ROKS-SHOCKERS© Home of some of the Raunchiest..Naughtiest..Perverted and did I mention FUNNIEST ADULT HUMOR ON THE NET... To subscribe send a blank e-mail to: ROKS-SHOCKERS-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Dear Dr. Verne: I am in the process of having a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod. Being of good redneck breeding that I is, I's worried about affectin' my good standing. I can offer you no better reason than my old man don't like me having my ex-old man's name on me, so I is getting rid of it. Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the tattoo with his name? - Worried in Des Moines Dear Worried: It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the ex's name with the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, I'd lose the damn thing. Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys might figure you's an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk voice and you'll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size. But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, that's class. I'd keep that baby and just cross out the ex's name with some spray paint and write the new guy in. Now to take what you call your precautionary measures, I'd probably get your future tattoos with more commoner names, like Bob or John. If you ain't shacked up with no guy named Bob or John now, chances are you's gonna be in the future. This is what business guys call your strategic planning. But say you happen to be a man who got this same problem. Good tattoos for guys is the old Semper Fi, the anchor, "MOM," skull-and-crossbones or the phone number of your bail bondsman across your knuckles. Stuff that ain't manly, and could damn well be classified as candy-assed, is the Superman logo, frat boy initials, cartoon guys, insects like butterflies that don't even bite nothing, and that damned barbed wire, which is usually weared by guys who bought their pipes at the fruity health club, instead of lifting railroad ties and eating meat. Now if you's a guy who tattooed "Cindy" on his chest, but the new old lady Rhonda ain't cooking no more pot pies till you get her fixed, I'd just pour gas on your chest and light her up with an arc welder. Girly guys might get some of what doctors call your discomfort, which is French for "Holy $#%^ that hurts!" But at least you'll be getting clean space to get a dragon that looks just like Rhonda. Plus you could tell chicks in bars you got them scars saving babies from burning apartments. Chicks always go for guys who got burned up saving babies. Dr Verne. +=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!" ** Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. IS YOUR WIFE A HUGE "WITCH" IS YOUR HUSBAND A FAT, WORTHLESS PIG? If this is true, you must go here: http://www.angelfire.com/ca/hawkeyemjs/witch.html ALSO, FREE DAILY JOKES, INSULTS, FORWARDS, AND MORE! http://megajokes.tsx.org ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- Topical Jokes: Who Want's to be.... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Various versions of the popular gameshow that never saw the light of day.... => Gay version: Who wants to not be legally allowed to marry a multimillionaire? => Inverted version: Who wants to buy a trophy wife? => Fox version. Oh wait, this is on Fox already: Who wants to marry trailer trash? => Cancelled version: Who wants to marry a nice, generally decent guy? => Crossover version for sweeps week: a) Hour 1 - Who wants to be a millionaire? Contestants answer a series of progressively difficult questions to win a million dollars. They then walk through a door into b) Hour 2 -- Who wants to marry a game show millionaire? => Never even got a pilot: Who wants to win marriage to a multimillionaire? Contestants answer a series of difficult questions. The guy picks the smartest one without seeing them in a swimsuit. +=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PUREHUMOUR....one year old and growing strong The best of the best! Weird News, Great Jokes...what more could you ask for? You too should be a part of the BEST joke ezine on the net... Sent almost daily in Ezine format...ADULT subcribers only! Subscribe: purehumour-subscribe@onelist.com Archive: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off. The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him. He said to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher said even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!" The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he said, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!" +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** After my wife won golf championships at three different country clubs, our local newspaper reported her triumph under the headline: Mrs Noerling Intercourse Champion. ____________ From TroyL! *CLEAN JOKES* Do you like good Clean jokes? Join one of the best and *Cleanest* joke lists on the net! Sign up today and start getting 3 CLEAN jokes everyday for free right to your inbox! To join for FREE visit: http://www.jokeseveryday.com also SEND A E-MAIL TO: join-jokeseveryday@lists.dundee.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
