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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You think that joke's funny? What about your eating habits?? For the truth about eating fats, chowing on chocolate, drinking coffee and taking supplements, go to FitnessLink. It's no-fluff motivational news, easy-to-follow exercise programs and everything fitness. Check out why the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, Family PC and Yahoo say it's the finest in fitness. Free fit-trivia ezine and fitness pinup pictures, too. Http://www.fitnesslink.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(6) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 8, No. 10 February 21st, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 14,300!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hi everyone! Sorry about the delay in Joke Email but we had a few minor problems that we had to get ironed out. Hope the jokes yesterday were enough to get rid of that Monday feeling... Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear. "What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically. "Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head" replies the Doc. "How the bloody hell will that help?" "Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools it should come out a treat..." +=- Are People Really That Stupid? Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out "give yourself up." WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY?? In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" The doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" The man shouted, "This is her husband!" Horoscope du Jour delivers for *YOU*! Have you ever wondered what stars have in store for *you*? Star light, Star bright...How many stars will be in your day tonight? To find out, SUBSCRIBE! Please send a blank e-mail to mailto:hdj-subscribe@egroups.com OR visit our website at http://www.horoscopedujour.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) +=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy." +=- Drinking Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Telltale Signs You're a Drunkard.... => You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse. => Beer ads make sense. => You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching. => You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer. => You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin. => You explain to your bank manager that you spent your overdraft mainly on beer and women; "the rest I just wasted." => You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect. Would you like to have some fun in your box? You would? In that case join the now famous -={Hilarity}=- Every day the rudist, dirtiest jokes will cum in your email. If you want it (and doesn't everybody) subscribe NOW by sending a blank email to Hilarity-Subscribe@egroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** I've discovered a foolproof way to make billions of dollars and take controlling interest in the major corporation of your choice. I'll share my secret with you, since I'm all done using my system (hint: if you want to buy any corporation known by three capital letters... forget it.). Step 1: Find somebody you trust to work with you as your partner. Your wife is a good choice, although in a pinch your pet hamster will suffice. Step 2: Create a dot.com company. Building a company with strong technical underpinnings and lead by a passionate and visionary leader is best. However, you can also cycle through e- If you find all the names are used, try the dictionary of a foreign language. Step 3: Go public! Issue 1,000,000,000 shares of stock. Keep 999,999,999 shares for yourself, and sell the other share. Step 4: Have your partner buy that share for $100. Step 5: Party!!!!! You now have a $100 billion market cap. Make sure you give interviews to Time, WSJ, and so forth. (If you don't understand why you have a $100 billion market cap, please close your AOL account and go back to your day job; this system isn't for you.) Step 6: Buy the company of your choice, using your $100 billion in stock. (Note: avoid companies created using this system.) Step 7: Retire. You've worked hard, and you deserve it. DISCLAIMER: This system may not work for everyone. Consult an attorney. Joke Email does not endorse this policy in anyway and is purely for entertainment purposes. We are not liable for anything you choose to do ;-) +=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. ** A sceptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" ´~*~ªß´~*„ß P u n c h l i n e s ß„*~ªß´~*~ª Start Your Millennium with Quality Adult Humor *PUNCHLINES~N~MORE* has Grade *A* Humor, Tons of Belly Laughs~Original Jokes ~and its *FREE* Punchlines_N_More-subscribe@topica.com or http://www.angelfire.com/electronic/punchlines ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) +=- Little Billy Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched." Finally it's little Billy's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking." +=- Topical Jokes: Politics ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** It took them a week, but the right-wing Canadian "united alternative" conference delegates finally took a head count and settled on "The Conservative-Reform Alliance Party" to name the new alliance of the Progressive-Conservative and Reform parties. Oooh, I bet the creative juices were just slopping out all over the place over that one. But this may be good news: Now, whether or not they beat the reigning Liberal party in the polls, the supporters of the new Alliance party can truthfully say, "I voted for CRAP, and that is exactly what I got!" CyberTrash - One of the dirtiest Adult Humor Ezines. Three Quick Funnies - Every Single Day - Easy to read, Preview CyberTrash at: http://www.humorhwy.com/CT.html Join Now - Send mailto:laughing@uswest.net?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A famous Norwegian explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census". ** Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. +=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** What's a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air? Collecting her thoughts. ** What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other? An air mattress. ** What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning? 1. She introduces herself. 2. She goes home. ** One day, a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw a sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them. ** Blondes are too biased. It's always, Buy us this, buy us that! +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** WARNING - THIS JOKE IS PARTICULARLY TASTELESS AND YOU SHOULD NOT READ IT IF YOU DO NOT LIKE TASTELESS JOKES. You have been warned... Some people might be offended. Apologies to those who are... v v v v v v v NEW GAME SHOW!! HIJACK A PLANE - WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of ASYLUM. Today's programme features another chance to take part in out exciting competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house. We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, the British taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don't hold a valid British passport. You only need one word of English: ASYLUM. Prizes include all-expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar. No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: ASYLUM. Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fastrack them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations include the White Cliffs of Dover, the world famous Toddington Services area in Historic Bedfordshire and the money trees at Croydon. If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers social workers and counsellors are waiting to help, it won't cost you a penny. So play today. It could change you life forever. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Somali guerrillas.. COME ON DOWN Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France. Go Straight to Britain. And you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth. Roll up, roll up my friends for the game that never ends. Everyone's a winner, when they play ASYLUM. __________ From Angell! *CLEAN JOKES* Do you like good Clean jokes? Join one of the best and *Cleanest* joke lists on the net! Sign up today and start getting 3 CLEAN jokes everyday for free right to your inbox! To join for FREE visit: http://www.jokeseveryday.com also SEND A E-MAIL TO: join-jokeseveryday@lists.dundee.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
