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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WORK AT HOME POSITIONS Make Good Money. Laugh All the Way to the Bank Data Entry, Clerical, Typing/Word Processing,Transcribing, plus 60 other categories. Fresh, new jobs added regularly. NO mlm's or risky business opportunities. NO fees payable to companies for these jobs.1-800-269-2971 (24 hr). Make $$ NOW. http://www.home-employment.com/simpson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 8, No. 08 February 7th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 12,500!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hi everyone! Enjoy the jokes - we're having a few problems with AOL at the moment, so please bear with us if you email us any jokes in the next few days. And remember to check out Postmaster Direct for the best deals and specials at http://www.jokeemail.com/thanks.htm Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== ** Do you want to pay less for everything? ** YES! Then join 3.5 million other people and be informed of better deals at your favorite stores! Join up at: http://www.jokeemail.com/thanks.htm ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!" How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) +=- Cooking Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** You'll love this fruitcake recipe!! I'm sure you can use it yourself, or pass it on to your mother/wife/girlfriend/etc. Ingredients: 1 cup water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle Johnnie Walker 2 cups dried fruit Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer.Sample whisky. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp sugar. Beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup. Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the flied druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check the tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a flick. Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find. Whisk the checky Greash the oven and piss in the tridge. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl through the bloody window. Check the whisky again and go to bed. +=- Bad Pun Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The man then went to the toilet. As he was going (not literally) he heard a voice say "Get out - we don't want your sort in here!!!" and on his way back he heard the same voice say "I thought I told you to get out you f****** b******!!!" So he says to the bartender "You won't believe this, I've just heard another voice on the way to the toilet and it was having a right go at me!" So the bartender says "That'll be the cigarette machine. Its out of order." **Start the Millenium & NEW YEAR with Quality Adult Humor** PUNCHLINES~N~MORE is Full of GRADE A Humor,Tons of BELLY LAUGHS~ORIGINAL JOKES ~3X a week~and its FREE Punchlines_N_More-subscribe@topica.com email: BaileysLt@aol.com?subject=Sign Me Up ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- Greeting Card Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Crappy Greeting Cards 1.You wrecked your car and don't remember why. Could have been..... That case of bud dry! 2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I stopped to look.... I noticed your cat. 3.Your computer is dead. It once was a first-rate. Don't you regret buying...... Windows 98? 4.Your dog is dead. So sorry to hear He was chasing cars... And caught a semi in the rear. 5. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. Well don't worry about her.... She moved in with me! +=- Real Life Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.... Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. ARE YOU HAVING A BAD DAY? YEAH RIGHT! Quit your WHINING and be a man! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A BAD DAY IS!!! See why, go to: http://www.angelfire.com/ca/hawkeyemjs/turtle.html FREE Daily Jokes/Insults - mailto:megajoke@netins.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- Microsoft Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The Top 13 Changes at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges 13. Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing Netscape logo. 12. Follow-up release to "IE4" now being referred to internally as "IE5-10 with time off for good behavior." 11. Must say "pretty please with jam on top" before devouring next competitor. 10. Cancellation of planned "You'll think what WE tell you to think!" ad campaign. 9) United Way contributions redirected towards the "Let's Buy The US Government" fund. 8) Plans to begin marketing MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter quietly tabled. 7) 10:00 AM: Barksdale (CEO of Netscape)visits Gates' office to sign landmark settlement agreement. 10:05 AM: Feeding time for piranhas beneath trap door. 6) "I don't break for software companies" bumper stickers removed from corporate limousines. 5) Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as "liquor addled she-male." 4) Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up. 3) Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from huge buttwads of cash. 3) Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small competitor to show a modest profit for three straight quarters. 2) Then when they're lulled, club 'em to death like a baby seal. .. and the Number 1 Change at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges... 1) Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice but to have "Big Louie's Inmate Explorer" installed against his will. +=- Topical Jokes: Who Want's to be... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man comes home from work and says to his wife, "Honey, whaddya say we go upstairs and have a little sex?" "No," she replies, "I have a headache." "Is that your final answer?" he asks. "Of course." "In that case, I'm going to have to phone a friend." TRIPLE YOUR YOUTHSPAN! What if you could live for decades beyond your expectations, in good health, full of energy, strength and mobility, and with vigorous mental, sensory, and sexual powers? http://www.rxforwellness.com/cgi-bin/rxt/tracker.cgi?j "Your FREE Anti-Aging Prescription On-line!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." ___________ From Raman! +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Man at police station: "Could I see the man who broke into my house?" Sergent: "Why?" Man: "I want to ask him how he got in without waking my wife." ___________ From Raman! +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour." ````FREE NEWSLETTER``````FREE NEWSLETTER````` Make recipes they'll rave about at your next meal. Tips, recipes, articles; gardening, cooking, enjoying life… mailto:subscribeads@charlottesgardens.com Published by http://www.charlottesgardens.com/?ads ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
