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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WORK AT HOME POSITIONS Make Good Money. Laugh All the Way to the Bank Data Entry, Clerical, Typing/Word Processing,Transcribing, plus 60 other categories. Fresh, new jobs added regularly. NO mlm's or risky business opportunities. NO fees payable to companies for these jobs.1-800-269-2971 (24 hr). Make $$ NOW. http://www.home-employment.com/simpson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 8, No. 07 January 31st, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 12,300!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** So, here we are again. SuperBowl Sunday. All the companies paying top dollar for 10 second ad slots while you get another cold one - have a few for us! As for predictions, some of you may remember that my picks were the Jags, Niners, and outsiders Miami. Well, I was wrong, I lost my money, so no more bets here. I have an inkling that it'll be the Rams by 10. And as the farce of a fight last night... don't even get me started!! Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email ===== ** Do you want to pay less for everything? ** YES! Then join 3.5 million other people and be informed of better deals at your favorite stores! To Join PostMasterClick HERE ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 Or Click HERE ===== +=- SuperBowl Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?" The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away." "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?" "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral." ___________ From Raman! +=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Perhaps the worst pun *ever*.. ** There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine.She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find what a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't getinvolved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing........... "I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..." ____________ From Norman! ** Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place". +=- Medical Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?" The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem." "A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk." NEW!! DESSERT DU JOUR NEW!! Free dessert recipes delivered via email. Mouth-watering! Scrumptious! Gotta HAVE it! To subscribe, simply send a blank email to mailto:dessert-subscribe@topica.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you," The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start? The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you," They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven. He shakes his head gloomily and says "Son of a bitch...third gay rooster I bought this week!" ___________ From Raman! +=- Childrens Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** What jumps from cake to cake and tastes of almonds? Tarzipan. ** How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden. ** Doctor, Doctor. Can you give me anything for my wind? Certainly, here's a kite. ** Where does Tarzan buy his clothes? At a jungle sale. ** Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother had been a wafer so long. ** What do you call a man wearing tatty clothes? Fred Bare. _______________ From Julie Barlow! Be first to learn of new job openings with leading companies such as American Express, General Dynamics and IBM. Subscribe for free by sending a new email to: mailto:subscribe@adguide.com?subject=aecSUBSCRIBE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) +=- TV Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** TV Listings For The Year 2000 NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30 Girlfriends 9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends 9:30 My Gay Friends 10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't FOX 8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain 8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape 9:00 Jiggle It Beach 9:30 LA Chicks 10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode UPN 8:00 The Unwatchables 8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings 9:00 Theoretically Existing Show 9:30 Praying For Syndication 10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through PUBLIC ACCESS 8:00 Blurry Steve 8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting 9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello? 9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus 10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film E! 8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills ESPN2 8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men 8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals 9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking 10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui LIFETIME 8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters? 9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Fourth Husband in Self-Defense 10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television TNN 8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped in Pigturd! 8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart 9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae 9:30 Sheeeeeeee-ewt! 10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the Truck +=- Topical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** My vision of how the AOL/Time Warner merger *really* was planned goes something like this: The scene: Steve Case's home in McClean, Virginia. The lighting is oddly dark and menacing, and in addition to the open wine bottle on the table, there are some odd burbling beakers visible in the background ... Gerry Levin: "So, Steve, what do you want to do tonight?" Steve Case: "What we do every night, Gerry. Try to take over the world!" [Note - They're Gerry, they're Gerry and the Case, Case, Case, Case...] "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." -- Douglas Adams http://www.doseme.com - The Galactic eZine Portal for Y2K! FREE :) bonus: mailto:subscribe-dailydose@lists.doseme.com Life's Great! See http://www.doseme.com for details! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Recent reports of losses in Net stocks led to another Public Offering... Silicon Valley, CA - Second grader Timmy Watson announced an initial public offering for his web page titled "I Love My Kitty" on the NASDAQ stock exchange yesterday. I Love My Kitty LLC (KTTY) made over thirty-million in the first day of trading. The stock rocketed from an initial two dollars a share to a whopping four-hundred-and-sixty dollars a share in the first two hours of trading. I Love My Kitty LLC is based on Timmy's web page of the same name which explains to everyone how much he loves his kitty Mittens. Investors are hoping to build, "A radical new E-commerce site based on "I Love My Kitty". According to Saul Schlepstein, an expert in e-business, "ILMK could very well be the next Amazon.com! I mean this page has everything! Cute kids! Cats! We think it will soon be one of the strongest e-commerce sites on the net! It's amazing! I think I just wet my pants!" Not everyone is excited about the new company though. Timmy's older sister Tanya is reported to be creating her own site entitled "I Love My Barbie!" Many investors are holding off on buying ILMK stock in case ILMB turns out to be better positioned in the market than ILMK. Daniel Codpiece of the investment firm of Morton Morton And Ted noted that, "Tanya is in the FOURTH grade. Making us suspect that she will come out with a much more marketable product." In response to investors fears that ILMK will be eclipsed by his sister's page, Timmy announced that, "Tanya is a big poopy head!" He also informed the press that she seems to have a particularly virulent strain of "cooties". ________ Courtesy: The Weekly Grumble http://www.weeklygrumble.com Now With Bleach! +=- More Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** And finally a few quotes regarding Dogs... "In dog years, I'm dead." -Unknown "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently about nothing right in your ear." -Dave Barry "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -Sue Murphy "No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -Fran Lebowitz "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -Joe Weinstein "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -Edward Abbey "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -Unknown "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -Christopher Morley "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -John Steinbeck A smile a day keeps worries at bay! Jokes'n'Stuff is your answer to working those facial muscles Plus regular cartoons at website - Check out our site! http://www.jokesnstuff.net Send a blank email/no subject to jokesnstuff-subscribe@listbot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
