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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WORK AT HOME POSITIONS Waiting for You. From U.S. Coimpanies. Makes no difference where you live. Typing, Data Entry,Technical Writing, Phone Work, Programmers, Secretarial, plus 60 other categories.NO FEES payable to companies 1-800-269-2971 or visit our website. http://www.home-employment.com/simpson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 8, No. 06 January 24th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 11,800!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hi everyone! Thanks to everyone who visited the "new-look" site at http://www.jokeemail.com - we achieved our most ever page views last Monday! Cheers! If you would like to see anything else on the site - free email etc, please contact us at: suggest@jokeemail.com Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Pentagon Buzz-Phrases Essentially complete... It's half done. We predict ... We hope to God! Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ. Potential show stopper... The team has updated their resumes. Serious but not insurmountable problems... It'll take a miracle. Basic agreement has been reached... The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us. Results are being quantified... We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions. Task force to review... Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project Not well defined at this time... Nobody's even thought about it. Still analyzing the requirements... See previous answer. Not well understood... Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore. Requires further analysis and management attention... Totally out of control! Results are promising... Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time. BIG MAC JOKES now comes in two flavors, regular and clean. For "regular", see http://bigmacjokeattack.listbot.com, or send a blank email to bigmacjokeattack-subscribe@listbot.com For "clean", http://bigmaccleanjokeattac@listbot.com, or a blank email to bigmaccleanjokeattac-subscribe@listbot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Question: How Do You Catch a Bear? Solution: First you dig a hole and fill it up with ashes. Then you take some peas and and put it around the hole and when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole. +=- Old Age Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal". That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"? Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore". Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way"! F-R-E-E: Discover more than 50 Free mailing lists at Koolemail.com! http://www.koolemail.com/ Subscribe to a variety of Free topical newsletters including business, entertainment, health, news and special interest ezines. Join today and get your own Free email address in the form yourname@koolemail.com. Plus, choose up to 10 Free gifts as an added bonus just for joining! Check us out today at http://www.koolemail.com/. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** What to say to hucksters who telephone during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or whatever: 1) The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later? 2) You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little bounced check or two. 3) Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y. 4) What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating. 5) I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10. 6) I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away. 7) Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello? 8) The number you have called is a working number like you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal. How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take credit cards. 9) The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide, would you? 10) Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now, what kind of drugs did you say you were selling? 11) You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office, if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to talk to you. +=- Bumper Sticker Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mostly New Bumper Stickers: => Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. => Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself. => If You Drink Don't Park. Accidents Cause People. => Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point. => If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. => You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me => This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me => Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult => If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? => The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name => Illiterate? Write For Help => Cover Me -- I'm Changing Lanes => I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To => Fight Crime: Shoot Back! => Cat: The Other White Meat => Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde! => Don't Be Sexist -- Broads Hate That => Warning! Driver Only Carries $20 In Ammunition * Recipes * Sweeps * Freebies o ___________ * Strange News * Poem-a-Day * Entertainment /L|\_DayTips_/| * Trivia/Facts * Horoscopes * Health News /> |___________| F R E E ----->> http://www.daytips.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) +=- Chat-Up Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." ** Man: "What do I have to give you for one little kiss?" Woman: "Chloroform" +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks. "Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better." Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?" The second guy replies, "You were right." O__, O__, Join The Funny Bone Mailing Lists /'._|\/______|\_/.'\ ASCII art illustrated humor, \ / / funny stories, & hilarious jokes. ~^~^~^^`~^~^~^~^~~^~^~^~~^~^~ They're Free! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds. "No, not worth it!" "OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?" "No, not worth it!" "OK, 20?" "No, not worth it!" "How about 10?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife isn't!" +=- Tasteless Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." " So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." Man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain." ** A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby'skiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!" *CLEAN JOKES* Do you like good Clean jokes? Join one of the best and *Cleanest* joke lists on the net! Sign up today and start getting 3 CLEAN jokes everyday for free right to your inbox! To join for FREE visit: http://www.jokeseveryday.com also SEND A E-MAIL TO: join-jokeseveryday@lists.dundee.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
