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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW TO START and OPERATE a profitable Home Business. Learn from people who are successfully working at home. HomeBusiness software, JUST RELEASED. Get all the facts at this information-packed Web page http://www.home-employment.com/simpson/homebusiness ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(5) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 8, No. 05 January 17th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 11,600!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hi everyone - we've finally updated the site! Yes, there are Java games to play online, a random joke generator, and a daily cartoon to have a giggle at everyday! Be sure to check it out soon at http://www.jokeemail.com/ If you have any suggestions how the site could be any better, or any things you'd like to see, please email them all to suggest@jokeemail.com Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I LOVE MY JOB I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss; he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my Office and its location I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, And the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded Cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my Peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my Computer and all its Software; I hug it often though it doesn't care... I love each Program and every File, I try to understand once in a while!! I'm happy to be here, I am I am; I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam. I love this Work: I love these Chores. I love the Meetings with deadly Bores. I love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men - These men who've come to visit today In lovely white coats to take me away!!! Have you got a Valentine for the 14th February?? If not, go to LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?AssociateID=42012 Click HERE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ." +=- Topical Jokes: AOL - Time Warner ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner... 10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View". 9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work. 8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal. 7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled. 6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try. 5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television. 4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive. 3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again. 2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do. and the number one change.... 1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated." F-R-E-E: Discover more than 50 Free mailing lists at Koolemail.com! http://www.koolemail.com/ Subscribe to a variety of Free topical newsletters including business, entertainment, health, news and special interest ezines. Join today and get your own Free email address in the form yourname@koolemail.com. Plus, choose up to 10 Free gifts as an added bonus just for joining! Check us out today at http://www.koolemail.com/. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this: On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that: *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.* Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company." +=- More Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Why would a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop. ** What do blondes and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. ** Why do blondes always fail driver's tests? Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat. ** What did the blonde's mom say before her daughter went out on a date? If you're not in bed by 10pm, come home! *-------------CARTOON DELIVERY SERVICE!------------* --> Are you tired of the same old joke services? <-- ---> Then You need a visual joke! CDS delivers! <--- -> Get on this list! Click http://www.fogmail.com <- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** 9 Reasons Why Beer May Not Be As Great As Women. Nine reasons beer is NOT better than women: 1. A beer bottle doesn't look any better with its labels off. 2. Peeling off beer labels isn't as much fun. 3. You can suck a beer at only one spot. 4. Enjoying a beer involves a positive calorie intake. 5. The bottom of a beer can isn't very interesting. 6. You can't eat a beer. 7. You can't buy a beer at 9AM on Sunday in some states. 8. There's a law about driving after having too many beers 9. You have to be over 21 to enjoy a beer. +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!" ___________ From Raman! F-R-E-E: Were hot dogs ever made of dogs? How do astronauts use the bathroom in space? What's so French about French fries? For the answer to these and other curious questions, go to http://go.MailBits.com/trivia.asp?2314.1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com +=- Wishful Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony. If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for: 1: All the Children of the world to sing together 2: $1,000,000 tax free If I had 3 wishes this Christmas: 1: Kids singing together 2: $1,000,000 tax free per year for life 3: To have all encompassing power over the universe If I had 4 wishes this Christmas: 1: The crap about the kids 2: $1,000,000 3: All encompassing power 4: 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 supermodels. Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible. So, let's rearrange: 1: All encompassing power 2: The orgasm 3: The money OH! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in. Now, my wish this Christmas would be: 1: The power 2: To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell 3. The orgasm 4. The Money +=- Tasteless Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash." ___________ From Raman! ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
