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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ POCKET $75,000 A YEAR as a Newsletter Publisher plus over 80 other types of businesses you can start at home. HomeBusiness software gives you all the answers. Shows how to start and operate a business. From work at home experts. http://www.home-employment.com/simpson/homebusiness ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(6) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 8, No. 04 January 10th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 11,600!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Sooo... what does it feel like to be in 2000 then?! Having finally recovered from too much partying over new year, I'm finally back to sort out Joke Email! 'Fraid I was only down the local for the "big event"... did anyone venture into Times Square? - It certainly looked liked the place to be.. or Rio.. or Paris.. or Sydney.. ;-) We received a complaint that the Foreign Joke we ran last week was racist. I personally apologise if it offended anyone - we try not to offend, but sometimes we manage to anyway. Keep laughing :-) Have a great week!! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email CYBER-DETECTIVE is an amazing new tool that allows you to find out EVERYTHING you ever wanted to know about your friends, family, neighbors, employees, even your boss! Do background checks, get criminal records, locate missing family members, get a copy of your FBI file and you can do it all in the privacy of your own home. Start your investigation today! http://www.yourinvestigation.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably." "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending." "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'." Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring. ___________ From Raman! ===== Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== +=- Medical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** These are all GENUINE replies from patients asked why they needed an ambulance to and from hospital... => I am under the doctor and cannot breathe. => I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent. => I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years. => I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer. => I am blind in one eye and my leg. => I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it. => I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees. => I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders. => I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up. => My husband is dead and will not bring me. => I cannot drive a car as I have not got one. => I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless. => I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good. I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes, and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on Tuesdays as my sister calls. +=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A chicken walks into a library and straight up to the librarian. The chicken says "book, book" so the librarian humors the chicken and gives him a book. Off goes the chicken out the door. Next day the same thing happens. And the third day too. Getting a little curious, the librarian follows the chicken on the fourth day, all across town to a swampy lake. At the lake he sees the chicken drops the book in front of a frog, who promptly says "Redit, redit" How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married." +=- More Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start - everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." ___________ From Raman! +=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Elements: Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties. Element Name: WOMAN ================== Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element Name: MAN ================ Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. * Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell +=- Yo Mama Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Yo mama's so dumb she got locked in the bathroom and peed herself. From Susan Moyer! +=- Tasteless Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Two British nuns, Sister Carol and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in a car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. "Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Carol. "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on; that will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Carol switches them on, which knocks the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again. "Now what?" shouts Sister Carol. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. Sister Carol opens the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY F***ING CAR!!" ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
