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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Are You ABLE TO LAUGH? From a "G" rated "Oh, Wow!!"...to an "X" rated "Hot Diggity!!" For 10 jokes, and links to...toons, sound files, and fun sites... Address Mail To: thorn@netport.com In the Subject put: JokeEmail amuses me! 2000 jokes and 200 toons on the site http://www.freeholes.com/joke/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 8, No. 02 December 27th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 11,600!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Alright! I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas and are looking forward to the new Millennium! Not too sure about this Bug business, but one of our new computer's modems has already started making funny noises and won't allow connection! Anyways, have a good one, and enjoy the holidays! See you in 2000! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A couple of drinking buddies, who are aeroplane mechanics, are in the hangar at SFO. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything?" The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only only drinkin' buddies can. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great! The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels. "I feel great!" he says. His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover either?" "No," he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "Well, *don't*, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"! ===== Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== +=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera." He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a delicious meal! You must have some very good pots." _______ From Fil! +=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!" ____________ From RAMAN! Sick of all those sick and cruel jokes? You don't have to hear them anymore. Brand new joke site with CLEAN and only CLEAN jokes. Sign up for our daily mailing list right now and receive 2 FREE CLEAN jokes in your mailbox everyday! Sign up at http://www.2crazyguys.net/?quak or mailto:thechronic@thesounds.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were found and will be spread via the Internet: WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More! WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore. WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available ____________ From Raman! O__, O__, Join The Funny Bone Mailing Lists /'._|\/______|\_/.'\ ASCII art illustrated humor, \ / / funny stories, & hilarious jokes. ~^~^~^^`~^~^~^~^~~^~^~^~~^~^~ They're Free! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) +=- Clinton Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President." ___________ From Raman! +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A man and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a toothpulled, "the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff." "You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?" "Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife. ** A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!" ___________ From Raman! Looking for that special thing to get you out of a slump? Jokes EveryDay will send you 3 clean jokes to your e-mail everyday! All you have to do is subscribe! And guess what? It is totally FREE! Sign up today: http://www.jokeseveryday.com Send a e-mail to: mailto:join-jokeseveryday@lists.dundee.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule 3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule 4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule 5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule 6: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why. Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule 9: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule 10: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker. +=- Tasteless Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A classic... ** A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realised he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!" RECIPE DU JOUR. . . .Simply the BEST and most unusual free daily mailing of recipes and Boomer nostalgia on the Web! To subscribe address a blank email to recipedujour-subscribe@listbot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
