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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Would YOU like to have all our subscribers reading YOUR advertising message? Well, it's possible to advertise to over 7000 subscribers for $20 an ISSUE. For more details, and all the information you need, email advert@jokeemail.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 7, No. 02 October 18th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Enjoy the jokes, and remember to send us any great jokes you want printed! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email +=- General Jokes: ################## ** Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. ===== Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== ** Do you want to pay less for everything? ** YES! Then join 3.5 million other people and be informed of better deals at your favorite stores! Join up at: http://www.jokeemail.com/thanks.htm ===== +=- Sexist Jokes: Women ####################### ** What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. ** What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. ** How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. ** How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases beer instead of one. ** What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times. ** What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says.." COFFEE, TEA, AND....... Relax and treat yourself to new taste sensations. Imagine the enticing aromas of unique, rare, and exotic new blends. Take a moment to enjoy the finest coffees and teas. Find them all at http://www.junglesque.com/index_te.html?te Junglesque, Rare Estate Coffees and Teas from around the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(5) +=- Redneck Jokes: ################## ** REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION Last name: ________________ (Check appropriate box) First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (approximate) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: ______________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: ______________________ Lover's Name: ____________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: ________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household:___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you [_] own, or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_]Red Man How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know FREE! 4.0oz Musk Cologne ($11.95 retail value) when you order over $60.00 from our site (limit one per customer). At ALPHAMART.COM enjoy huge savings on a wide selection of quality products: Sports, Electronics, Leather, Silk, Fragrances, Optics, Toys, Home Decor and much more. Check it out! To view our site, go to: http://www.alphamart.com AOL users click here Subscribe to our mailing list to periodically receive exclusive notices on new products and special subscriber savings. To subscribe, click here: http://www.alphamart.com/subs.shtml AOL users click here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ################### => I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. =>Jesus is coming - everyone look busy. =>Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. =>A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. =>You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. =>BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. =>I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made. =>Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. =>I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing. =>All men are idiots ... I married their king. =>The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. =>How can I be overdrawn? I still have cheques! =>Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an idiot. =>I'm just driving this way to make you mad. =>Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth. =>Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. =>Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. =>Keep honking. I'm reloading. =>Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music. =>As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. =>Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. =>I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming hysterically like the passengers in his bus. =>Lord save me from your followers. => God must love stupid people. He made so many. =>I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. => The gene pool could use a little chlorine. => Two things always get me down: rainy days and automatic weapons. => I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative. => Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. => Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. => 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't. => Ever stop to think..... and forget to start again? => 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. $25,000 LEASE APPROVAL IN AS LITTLE AS 3 HRS! OVER $25,000 CAN BE APPROVED IN AS LITTLE AS 48 HRS! Asset Capital Lease is a new kind of leasing company. Most leasing companies use standard finance programs that benefit the leasing company and not the business owner. Unreasonable credit requirements combined with high interest rates and limited payment options place an unnecessary burden on most leasing customers. Demand for flexible leases with reasonable rates prompted us to create and develop a customer based leasing division. Our Online Lease Program provides a competitive advantage for our potential clients. We are also actively developing new asset marketing programs for vendors. This Online Leasing program's time has definitely come! Call Don Johnson at 780-916-4399, e-mail - don@assetcapitallease.com, visit http://www.Assetcapitallease.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ################# ** A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around. __________ From Susan! ** Motivation - Inspiration - Positive Thoughts ** The Motivational Mailer blends Encouraging Stories, with a portion of Uplifting Quotes and tops it off with a sprinkle of Humor. Combined these make the PERFECT morning Treat. What a GREAT way to start each Weekday! To Subscribe mailto: motivational_mailer-subscribe@topica.com Or Visit http://www..self-worth.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(5) +=- Feminist Jokes: ############### ** A fairy tale for the woman of the 90's....... Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought................ I don't f**king think so. ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Tasteless Jokes: ##################### ** When Van was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?" The chemist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?" "Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases." The chemist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?" Van paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up!" FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
