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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Would YOU like to have all our subscribers reading YOUR advertising message? Well, it's possible to advertise to over 7000 subscribers for $20 an ISSUE. For more details, and all the information you need, email advert@jokeemail.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 7, No. 01 October 11th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Back to the usual format this week -= enjoy! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email +=- Clinton Jokes: ################## ** President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss." ___________________ From Jack Zimmerman! ===== Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== ** Do you want to pay less for everything? ** YES! Then join 3.5 million other people and be informed of better deals at your favorite stores! Join up at: http://www.jokeemail.com/thanks.htm ===== +=- Putdowns: ####################### ** Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day: 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a damn people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You!... Off my planet! 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 15. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 16. Allow me to introduce my selves. 17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 27. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 38. I plead contemporary insanity. 39. And which dwarf are you? 40. Meandering to a different drummer. _______________ From daWildthing! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COFFEE, TEA, AND....... Relax and treat yourself to new taste sensations. Imagine the enticing aromas of unique, rare, and exotic new blends. Take a moment to enjoy the finest coffees and teas. Find them all at http://www.junglesque.com/index_te.html?te Junglesque, Rare Estate Coffees and Teas from around the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(6) +=- Career Jokes: ################## ** An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer." ________________ From Occsafmedic! FREE! 4.0oz Musk Cologne ($11.95 retail value) when you order over $60.00 from our site (limit one per customer). At ALPHAMART.COM enjoy huge savings on a wide selection of quality products: Sports, Electronics, Leather, Silk, Fragrances, Optics, Toys, Home Decor and much more. Check it out! To view our site, go to: http://www.alphamart.com AOL users click here Subscribe to our mailing list to periodically receive exclusive notices on new products and special subscriber savings. To subscribe, click here: http://www.alphamart.com/subs.shtml AOL users click here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) +=- Yo Mama Jokes: #################### ** Yo Mama so stupid you ran in to a door and couldn't get in because it said PULL! ** Yo Mama so stupid you ran into an antique shop and said "whats new" _________________ From MARIGOWER! $25,000 LEASE APPROVAL IN AS LITTLE AS 3 HRS! OVER $25,000 CAN BE APPROVED IN AS LITTLE AS 48 HRS! Asset Capital Lease is a new kind of leasing company. Most leasing companies use standard finance programs that benefit the leasing company and not the business owner. Unreasonable credit requirements combined with high interest rates and limited payment options place an unnecessary burden on most leasing customers. Demand for flexible leases with reasonable rates prompted us to create and develop a customer based leasing division. Our Online Lease Program provides a competitive advantage for our potential clients. We are also actively developing new asset marketing programs for vendors. This Online Leasing program's time has definitely come! Call Don Johnson at 780-916-4399, e-mail - don@assetcapitallease.com, visit http://www.Assetcapitallease.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ################# ** TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. _________ From Jody! ** Motivation - Inspiration - Positive Thoughts ** The Motivational Mailer blends Encouraging Stories, with a portion of Uplifting Quotes and tops it off with a sprinkle of Humor. Combined these make the PERFECT morning Treat. What a GREAT way to start each Weekday! To Subscribe mailto: motivational_mailer-subscribe@topica.com Or Visit http://www..self-worth.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(6) ############### ** It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very firstday?" The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!" ________________ From Occsafmedic! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Tasteless Jokes: ##################### A bit of a classic... ** An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." ________________ From da Wildthing! FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
