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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Would YOU like to have all our subscribers reading YOUR advertising message? Well, it's possible to advertise to over 7000 subscribers for $20 an ISSUE. For more details, and all the information you need, email advert@jokeemail.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 6, No. 10 October 4th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** The Classic Jokes Issue! Contained in Joke Email this week are the classic jokes that we consider to be some of the greatest jokes ever made! You may have heard a few of them, but the rest will make up for that!! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email +=- Classic General Jokes: ###################### ** A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners. So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear: "Take off my dress...." "Now, take off my bra." "Next, remove my shoes and socks." She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted: "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!" ===== Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== ** Do you want to pay less for everything? ** YES! Then join 3.5 million other people and be informed of better deals at your favorite stores! Join up at: http://www.jokeemail.com/thanks.htm ===== +=- Classic Darwin Award Jokes: ####################### ** A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. COFFEE, TEA, AND....... Relax and treat yourself to new taste sensations. Imagine the enticing aromas of unique, rare, and exotic new blends. Take a moment to enjoy the finest coffees and teas. Find them all at http://www.junglesque.com/index_te.html?te Junglesque, Rare Estate Coffees and Teas from around the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(7) +=- Classic Crime Jokes: ################## ** A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." FREE! 4.0oz Musk Cologne ($11.95 retail value) when you order over $60.00 from our site (limit one per customer). At ALPHAMART.COM enjoy huge savings on a wide selection of quality products: Sports, Electronics, Leather, Silk, Fragrances, Optics, Toys, Home Decor and much more. Check it out! To view our site, go to: http://www.alphamart.com AOL users click here Subscribe to our mailing list to periodically receive exclusive notices on new products and special subscriber savings. To subscribe, click here: http://www.alphamart.com/subs.shtml AOL users click here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) +=- Classic Yo Mama Jokes: #################### ** Yo Mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton ** Yo mama is so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed ** Yo mama is so stupid that someone told her to go buy a color T.V. and 3 hours later she came back and asked "Which color?" ** Yo mama is so stupid that she ran around the bed twice to try to catch some sleep. +=- Classic Sexist Jokes: Women ################## ** "A MULTIPLE CHOICE FOR MEN" Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all diseases, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask for directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. The remote control. $25,000 LEASE APPROVAL IN AS LITTLE AS 3 HRS! OVER $25,000 CAN BE APPROVED IN AS LITTLE AS 48 HRS! Asset Capital Lease is a new kind of leasing company. Most leasing companies use standard finance programs that benefit the leasing company and not the business owner. Unreasonable credit requirements combined with high interest rates and limited payment options place an unnecessary burden on most leasing customers. Demand for flexible leases with reasonable rates prompted us to create and develop a customer based leasing division. Our Online Lease Program provides a competitive advantage for our potential clients. We are also actively developing new asset marketing programs for vendors. This Online Leasing program's time has definitely come! Call Don Johnson at 780-916-4399, e-mail - don@assetcapitallease.com, visit http://www.Assetcapitallease.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ################# ** A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits and then tells his wife, "We'll take all three of them". Next they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Finally they go to the Jewelry Department and get diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out) She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says, "No, honey we're not going to BUY all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!! __________ From Sooz! How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) +=- Classic Redneck Jokes: ############### ** You Know a Redneck has been working on your computer when... 10) The monitor is up on blocks. 9) Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8) The six front keys have rotted out. 7) The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 6) The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5) The password is "Bubba". 4) The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3) There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2) The keyboard is camouflaged. And, The Number One Way You Know A Redneck Has Been Working On Your Computer... 1) The mouse is referred to as a "critter". ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Classic Tasteless Jokes: ##################### ** Little Johnny comes home from school to find his dog in the front garden. Rigor mortis has set in and it's flat on it's back with it's legs in the air. When Dad comes home Johnny says "Dad, why his legs sticking in the air like that?" Dad says, "Son, that's so God can reach down and lift him straight into Heaven." A few days later, when Dad comes home from work, Johnny rushes out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad! We almost lost Mum today." "What do you mean?" asks Dad. "Well, I got home from school early and Mum was in the bedroom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus, I'm coming!". If it hadn't been for Uncle Georgeholding her down, we'd have lost her for sure." FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
