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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DO YOU WANT TO ENJOY LAS VEGAS EXCITEMENT IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME? Then visit the Pirate Casino http://www.pirate-islandcasino.com/?je to play over 20 casino games for FREE or real money. You can also bet on all major sports in the online Sportsbook. We are fully licensed & all funds are 100% guaranteed. Join today to get a 10% bonus on your first cash deposit or request a FREE CD of casino gaming software. Visit: http://www.pirate-islandcasino.com/?je ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 6, No. 07 September 13th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Alright everyone! The NFL starts soon (well, it's already kinda started.. writing this at 9pm Sunday night) and I reckon our bets THIS year will pay off... At Joke Email, we've got money on Jacksonville, the Niners, and Miami. What do you reckon about the Superbowl? On a totally different note, we're still having a few niggling troubles with eGroups (our list server) so we hope you can persevere with us until we get them sorted! Thanks... Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) ###################### ** One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.He called a female angel and sent her down to Earth. When she returned she told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. She reported that 95% is bad and 5%is good. God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a male angel to get both points of view. When the male angel returned he confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?.... ... ... ... ... Oh! you didn't get one either ?? ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== ** Do you want to pay less for everything? ** YES! Then join 3.5 million other people and be informed of better deals at your favorite stores! Join up at: http://www.jokeemail.com/thanks.htm ===== +=- Animal Jokes: ################## ** Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?" "Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork. Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?" "Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork. Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you, baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold. "Out scaring the s**t out of college students," replied baby stork. _________ From Sooz! COFFEE, TEA, AND....... Relax and treat yourself to new taste sensations. Imagine the enticing aromas of unique, rare, and exotic new blends. Take a moment to enjoy the finest coffees and teas. Find them all at http://www.junglesque.com/index_te.html?te Junglesque, Rare Estate Coffees and Teas from around the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(10) +=- Children Jokes: ################## ** Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "You've got pink booties and I've got blue ones." __________ From Sooz! FREE! 4.0oz Musk Cologne ($11.95 retail value) when you order over $60.00 from our site (limit one per customer). At ALPHAMART.COM enjoy huge savings on a wide selection of quality products: Sports, Electronics, Leather, Silk, Fragrances, Optics, Toys, Home Decor and much more. Check it out! To view our site, go to: http://www.alphamart.com AOL users click here Subscribe to our mailing list to periodically receive exclusive notices on new products and special subscriber savings. To subscribe, click here: http://www.alphamart.com/subs.shtml AOL users click here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(6) ################## The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question. Which is your favourite Teletubbie: A.Yellow B.Purple C.Green D.Red Decide, then SCROLL DOWN V V V V Profile for women... A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people. B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down. C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you. D.If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination. Profile for men............. A.If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay. B.If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay C.If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay. D.If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay. Start your Day with a Smile. Subscribe to HumorShack's Daily Humor for Free! You'll receive a joke to make you smile and a riddle to stimulate your brain every business day. To join, please send a blank email to humorshack-subscribe@listbot.com or visit our HumorShack website at http://www.HumorShack.com AOL users: Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ####################### ** Actual Church Signs: => Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside! => Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! => An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets." => Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. => Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives. => Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon. => This is a CH_ _ CH. What is missing?" ---------> (U R) => Forbidden fruit creates many jams. => In the dark? Follow the Son. => Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up. ============== The Motivational Mailer ============== Are you looking for an UPLIFTING way to start each day? Better than a cup of coffee, The Motivational Mailer INSPIRES you to face each weekday with stories, quotes and humor. To subscribe mail to: overcomeunlimited-subscribe@listbot.com ============= http://www.self-worth.com ============= ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(8) +=- Sport Jokes: ################### ** Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who's lack of IQ was common knowledge. He turned to his wife, Esther with a look of question on his face. "Oy! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!" ((>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip The *Very* Pathetic Mailing List is one of the internet's most unique humor mailing lists. The VPML alternates between daily jokes, and a warped top ten style daily list and is also accompanied by random rants by the lists owner called "From the Frugal File Clerk". To subscribe send email to : vpml-subscribe@egroups.com or visit the VPML webpage at http://welcome.to/vpml to see how *Very* Pathetic we can be. (>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Sexist Jokes: Women ################ ** A man comes home after a hard day's work, and is looking forward to relaxing. He pours himself a glass of wine, eats a delicious home-cooked meal prepared by his wife, and goes up to his bedroom, where he and his wife have separate beds. His wife follows him up a few minutes later. "Honey-woney," the man says, "I just want to thank you for fixing me such a delicious meal. I am blessed to have such a wife as you." He then turns out the light and tries to sleep. After several minutes he finds he can't nod off. "Sweety pie," he calls out, "I'm lonely." His wife gets out of bed and makes her way accross the room, but she slips and bangs her nose. "Did my little bunny fall and hurt her nosey-wosey?" the man asks, as his wife climbs in bed with him. There follows a 3 hour session of sex. When the couple have finished, the wife heads back over to her own bed, and as she goes she slips up a second time. "Clumsy Bitch," the man mutters. $25,000 LEASE APPROVAL IN AS LITTLE AS 3 HRS! OVER $25,000 CAN BE APPROVED IN AS LITTLE AS 48 HRS! Asset Capital Lease is a new kind of leasing company. Most leasing companies use standard finance programs that benefit the leasing company and not the business owner. Unreasonable credit requirements combined with high interest rates and limited payment options place an unnecessary burden on most leasing customers. Demand for flexible leases with reasonable rates prompted us to create and develop a customer based leasing division. Our Online Lease Program provides a competitive advantage for our potential clients. We are also actively developing new asset marketing programs for vendors. This Online Leasing program's time has definitely come! Call Don Johnson at 780-916-4399, e-mail - don@assetcapitallease.com, visit http://www.Assetcapitallease.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ################# ** To strike a blow for Men everywhere, here are seminars for Women (seminars will be given by men only) 1) "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes" 2) Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?") 3) Crying and law enforcement 4) You CAN go shopping for less then 4 hours 5) Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast 6) Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights Driving III: Approximating a constant speed Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water 7) The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament 8) Gift giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good) 9) Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Gravity is on Your Side 10) Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels 11) What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy 12) "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do" __________ From Susan! Sweep the Net - Daily Sweepstakes newsletter to let you get the latest word on Sweepstakes on the Net. Get notice of Contests, Drawings and Giveaways you can enter and win everything from cash to cars for free!! Subscribe at http://www.sweepthenet.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/2) +=- Blonde Jokes: ############### ** The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" ______________ From dawildthing! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Tasteless Jokes: ##################### ** A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub somewhere in Maine. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands." "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room." FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: jokeemail-unsubscribe@egroups.com Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
