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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DO YOU WANT TO ENJOY LAS VEGAS EXCITEMENT IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME? Then visit the Wild West Frontier Casino http://www.wildwestfrontier.com/?je to play over 20 casino games for FREE or real money. You can also bet on all major sports in the online Sportsbook. We are fully licensed & all funds are 100% guaranteed. Join today to get a 10% bonus on your first cash deposit or request a FREE CD of casino gaming software. Visit: http://www.wildwestfrontier.com/?je ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 6, No. 03 August 16th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Hi Everyone. Apologies for the delay in the sending of Joke Email - the list server was down last night which prevented distribution. We are currently in the middle of a transition to try to put all subscribers onto one list server rather than three, and this is taking longer than we thought. I hope you can all bare with us through this transition! Thanks... Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(6) ###################### ** A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" ** An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. "Rabbi, I believe a member of your syagogue, Mr Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?" The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will." ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ===== +=- Animal Jokes: ################## ** There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, smell sausage." The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes." The babymole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses." ________ From Zee! Get Cash For Your Used CDs! At http://www.CashForCDs.com, your CDs can gather cash instead of dust. You can get a free AutoQuote to see the value of your CDs. If you accept the quote, then CashForCDs.com will send you a free mailer and postage-paid label for sending back the CDs. Why keep those dusty CDs you don't listen to anymore? Turn them into cash easily at http://www.CashForCDs.com ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ################## ** Yo Mama is so nasty she has to creep up on the bath water to take a bath. ** Yo Mama is so fat that when she gets on the scale it says to be continued... ** Yo Mama is so hairy Bigfoot takes her picture. _______________ From Troy Schott! ** Yo Mama is so fat that when she slips into something comfortable she slips into the Houston Astrodome ________________ From Miguel Pena! COFFEE, TEA, AND....... Relax and treat yourself to new taste sensations. Imagine the enticing aromas of unique, rare, and exotic new blends. Take a moment to enjoy the finest coffees and teas. Find them all at http://www.junglesque.com/index_te.html?te Junglesque, Rare Estate Coffees and Teas from around the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(14) ####################### ** It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist for speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing around his head, annoying him considerably. "Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?" says the motorist. "Yeah," says the patrolman, "if that's what these are, you're sure right. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?" "Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that are particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circle around a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies." The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, "You don't say. Well, that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying to call me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implication about an officer of the law, would you?" "Oh, no sir!" responds the motorist. "No, sir, not at all. I have the utmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream of implying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded." "Yeah, I didn't think so," replied the patrolman. "Yeah," the motorist continued, "but there's just no fooling those circle flies, is there? FREE ANTI-AGING HOME STUDY COURSE, the "Longevity News". FREE Harvard MD Report, " 21st Century Muscle Builder, Fat Burner". FREE Anti-Aging Self-Test and Progress Kit. Longevity Resources Int'l. < mailto:2lri4u@getresponse.com > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Redneck Jokes: ################### ** Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles: 1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. 3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive. 4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" 6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either. 7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. 8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here. 10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. 11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. 12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. _______________ From daWildthing! FREE! 4.0oz Musk Cologne ($11.95 retail value) when you order over $60.00 from our site (limit one per customer). At ALPHAMART.COM enjoy huge savings on a wide selection of quality products: Sports, Electronics, Leather, Silk, Fragrances, Optics, Toys, Home Decor and much more. Check it out! To view our site, go to: http://www.alphamart.com AOL users click here Subscribe to our mailing list to periodically receive exclusive notices on new products and special subscriber savings. To subscribe, click here: http://www.alphamart.com/subs.shtml AOL users click here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(10) +=- Food Jokes: ################ ** An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to Mom's interest in health food and proper diet. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bedroom suite and a fancy in-house jacuzzi. The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon. They would have golfing privileges every day. In addition, it changed to a new one daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "So, what are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free!" Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the best cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick -- this is Heaven!" With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong. The old man glared at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!" ___________ From Susan! $25,000 LEASE APPROVAL IN AS LITTLE AS 3 HRS! OVER $25,000 CAN BE APPROVED IN AS LITTLE AS 48 HRS! Asset Capital Lease is a new kind of leasing company. Most leasing companies use standard finance programs that benefit the leasing company and not the business owner. Unreasonable credit requirements combined with high interest rates and limited payment options place an unnecessary burden on most leasing customers. Demand for flexible leases with reasonable rates prompted us to create and develop a customer based leasing division. Our Online Lease Program provides a competitive advantage for our potential clients. We are also actively developing new asset marketing programs for vendors. This Online Leasing program's time has definitely come! Call Don Johnson at 780-916-4399, e-mail - don@assetcapitallease.com, visit http://www.Assetcapitallease.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ################# ** There's this old lady who goes to this store... she goes to buy some dog food for her dog, Fifi. The cashier says " I am sorry but you can't buy this. There has been a dog food shortage because so many elderly people have been buying and eating it themselves". And the old lady is annoyed, so she goes home and gets her dog. She comes back later and proves she's got a dog. The cashier says "OK, I'm sorry come back again". The next week the old lady comes back to buy some cat food for her cat, Fluffy. The cashier says the same thing she said last week, so the old lady goes home and gets her cat. She comes back to the store to prove that she's got a cat the cashier says "ok". So the next week the old lady comes back and with a paper bag, gives it to the cashier, and he says "What's this?" The old lady says "Put your finger in it" The cashier puts it in and yells " What the hell this is crap?" The old lady says "I'm buyin' toilet paper this week!" ____________ devlin from GA! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Tasteless Jokes: ##################### ** One night a guy went to a bar and he ordered 10 beers.he drank them all up and staggered out of the bar.Then he came back he nextday.He says to the bartender "I blew up chunks." The bartender says "Of course you did, you had 10 beers." And then the guy said "No, Chunks is my dog," _________ From Zeke! ============== The Motivational Mailer ============== Are you looking for an UPLIFTING way to start each day? Better than a cup of coffee, The Motivational Mailer INSPIRES you to face each weekday with stories, quotes and humor. To subscribe mail to: overcomeunlimited-subscribe@listbot.com ============= http://www.self-worth.com ============= ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(9) +=- Blonde Jokes ################ ** What are 10000 blondes doing in the desert? - Dusting. ____________________ From Eirini Karanastasi! FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
