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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DO YOU WANT TO ENJOY LAS VEGAS EXCITEMENT IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME? Then visit the Wild West Frontier Casino http://www.wildwestfrontier.com/?je to play over 20 casino games for FREE or real money. You can also bet on all major sports in the online Sportsbook. We are fully licensed & all funds are 100% guaranteed. Join today to get a 10% bonus on your first cash deposit or request a FREE CD of casino gaming software. Visit: http://www.wildwestfrontier.com/?je ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(5) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 6, No. 01 August 2nd, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** You may be wondering why Joke Email has arrived in your inbox a couple of days early... well, this is because I am away on my vacation for one week beginning on the 31st of August. I'm off to a quiet little spanish island called Ibiza - anyone heard of it ;-) Also, we have now moved the list to Topica, so the subscribe address is: jokeemail-subscribe@topica.com and the unsubscribe address at: jokeemail-unsubscribe@topica.com Thanks... Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(8) ###################### ** As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" Need a Dental Plan? Only $15/mth Family, $9/mth Single Vision and Rx plans included with no extra charges. NO claims forms, waiting periods or deductibles! Pre-existing conditions covered. Brokers needed if you would like a great residual income. Contact us today dental@indyland.com and we will get you all the free information ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Walmart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy rear end and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!" __________ From Susan! ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ===== +=-Preacher Jokes: ################## ** A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxidriver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." Get Cash For Your Used CDs! At http://www.CashForCDs.com, your CDs can gather cash instead of dust. You can get a free AutoQuote to see the value of your CDs. If you accept the quote, then CashForCDs.com will send you a free mailer and postage-paid label for sending back the CDs. Why keep those dusty CDs you don't listen to anymore? Turn them into cash easily at http://www.CashForCDs.com ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) ######################## ** You Know You've chosen a "No-Frills" airline when... 1) They don't sell tickets, they sell chances. 2) All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. 3) Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. 4) You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change. 5) Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. 6) The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. 7) When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. 8) The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. 9) You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once." 10) No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. 11) You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. 12) All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. COFFEE, TEA, AND....... Relax and treat yourself to new taste sensations. Imagine the enticing aromas of unique, rare, and exotic new blends. Take a moment to enjoy the finest coffees and teas. Find them all at http://www.junglesque.com/index_te.html?te Junglesque, Rare Estate Coffees and Teas from around the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(16) ####################### ** John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing. He ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the dang cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough." FREE ANTI-AGING HOME STUDY COURSE, the "Longevity News". FREE Harvard MD Report, " 21st Century Muscle Builder, Fat Burner". FREE Anti-Aging Self-Test and Progress Kit. Longevity Resources Int'l. < mailto:2lri4u@getresponse.com > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) +=- Career Jokes: ################### ** A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll need two copies." ________ From Zee! FREE! 4.0oz Musk Cologne ($11.95 retail value) when you order over $60.00 from our site (limit one per customer). At ALPHAMART.COM enjoy huge savings on a wide selection of quality products: Sports, Electronics, Leather, Silk, Fragrances, Optics, Toys, Home Decor and much more. Check it out! To view our site, go to: http://www.alphamart.com AOL users click here Subscribe to our mailing list to periodically receive exclusive notices on new products and special subscriber savings. To subscribe, click here: http://www.alphamart.com/subs.shtml AOL users click here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(12) +=- Actually True Jokes: ###################### ** British Journalism Bloopers: From The Guardian: 'After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.' From the Manchester Evening News:'Hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of Weight Watchers in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to "Hello, you fat b******d"' From The Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: -This sort of thing is all too common these days.' From The Derby Abbey Community News: 'We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that "Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force". This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr.Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.' From The Gloucester Citizen: 'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."' _____________ From Bchpepl2! $25,000 LEASE APPROVAL IN AS LITTLE AS 3 HRS! OVER $25,000 CAN BE APPROVED IN AS LITTLE AS 48 HRS! Asset Capital Lease is a new kind of leasing company. Most leasing companies use standard finance programs that benefit the leasing company and not the business owner. Unreasonable credit requirements combined with high interest rates and limited payment options place an unnecessary burden on most leasing customers. Demand for flexible leases with reasonable rates prompted us to create and develop a customer based leasing division. Our Online Lease Program provides a competitive advantage for our potential clients. We are also actively developing new asset marketing programs for vendors. This Online Leasing program's time has definitely come! Call Don Johnson at 780-916-4399, e-mail - don@assetcapitallease.com, visit http://www.Assetcapitallease.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Cracker Jokes: ################# Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A.) They're hiring. Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? A.) Polaroids. Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow? A.) Spoiled milk. Q.) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A.) Anyone can roast beef. Q.) What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A.) Sanka. Q.) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A.) A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off. __________ From Anne! How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) +=- Children's Jokes: ##################### ** A man is in bed with his wife when he hears a rat-a-tat-tat on the front door. He rolls over, looks at the clock and sees that it's three o'clock in the morning. "What idiot would be knocking at the door at this hour?" thinks the man, and he rolls over and tries to go back to sleep. After a few minutes, there's a louder knock on the door. "Aren't you going to see who it is?" asks his wife, so the man drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door to find a stranger standing outside. "Eh mate," says the stranger, "Can you give us a push?" "No! Get lost! It's three in the morning. I was sleeping," says the man and shuts the door. He goes back to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, "Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get him to help us? What would have happened if he'd told us to 'get lost'?" So the man gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey. Do you still want a push?" A voice cries out, "Yes please, mate." So, still being unable to see the stranger the man shouts, "Where are you?" "I'm over here on the swings." _____________ From Bchpepl2! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ################ ** Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." _____________ From Bchpepl2! FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
