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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ --------------------UGLIES Boxer Shorts ------------------ Our boxers are so ugly, she'll beg you to take 'em off! Different styles to match every personality. A great product and a fun website. Drop by and take a peek at our UGLIES today. ----------------- http://www.uglies.com ---------------------- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 5, No. 10 July 26th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 7908 332 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... TOO GOOD TO MISS! ********************************************************* JUST 100 BUCKS to advertise for 12 issues!!! That equates to just $8.33 an issue to over 7500 readers. OVER 75,000 views of YOUR ad for just 100 bucks!! Email: adspecial@jokeemail.com to reserve the issues! ********************************************************* For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** In a week that JFK Jnr, his beautiful wife Carolyn, and her sister all died, we would like to dedicate this issue to their memory. Also, Joke Email will be sent out on Saturday next week due to other commitments. Thanks... Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(9) ###################### ** A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." _________ From Polly! Need a Dental Plan? Only $15/mth Family, $9/mth Single Vision and Rx plans included with no extra charges. NO claims forms, waiting periods or deductibles! Pre-existing conditions covered. Brokers needed if you would like a great residual income. Contact us today dental@indyland.com and we will get you all the free information ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) She said "I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true." Friend number one got excited. He said : "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish granted. Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together." Just like that, he disappeared. The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?" He answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back." _______________ From Bruce Youd! ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ===== +=-Little Johnnie Jokes: ################## ** A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons." Get Cash For Your Used CDs! At http://www.CashForCDs.com, your CDs can gather cash instead of dust. You can get a free AutoQuote to see the value of your CDs. If you accept the quote, then CashForCDs.com will send you a free mailer and postage-paid label for sending back the CDs. Why keep those dusty CDs you don't listen to anymore? Turn them into cash easily at http://www.CashForCDs.com ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4) ################## ** This german boy went to England to learn some new English words. When he got on the plane the air hostess said 'Fasten your seatbelts, we're about to take off'. The german boy thought 'Take off, i will remember take off'. The next day the boy went to the zoo. The boy was looking at the zebras when he saw a sign saying 'Zebra'. The boy thought I will remember zebra. The next day the boy was walking down the street and he saw a woman looking at a baby. The woman said to the babies mother 'What a cute little baby'. The boy thought 'baby, I will remember baby'. When the boy got back to Germany his mother asked him what word's he learned while he was in England. The boy replied: "Take off ze-bra baby" ___________ From Paul C! COFFEE, TEA, AND....... Relax and treat yourself to new taste sensations. Imagine the enticing aromas of unique, rare, and exotic new blends. Take a moment to enjoy the finest coffees and teas. Find them all at http://www.junglesque.com/index_te.html?te Junglesque, Rare Estate Coffees and Teas from around the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(17) ####################### ** The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as dictated by real physicians. "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better." "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year." "The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet." "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night." "The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed." "The patient has no past history of suicides." _____________ From Bchpepl2! FREE ANTI-AGING HOME STUDY COURSE, the "Longevity News". FREE Harvard MD Report, " 21st Century Muscle Builder, Fat Burner". FREE Anti-Aging Self-Test and Progress Kit. Longevity Resources Int'l. < mailto:2lri4u@getresponse.com > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4) +=- Career Jokes: ################### ** TO:ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT:SICK LEAVE POLICY SICKNESS: No excuses. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. DEATH: Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence. YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement. ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. We appreciate your cooperation, THE MANAGEMENT Understanding Your Paycheck Gross pay: $1222.02 Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 County Tax City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax 6.11 12.22 4.44 1.11 Front Tax Side Tax Up Tax Down Tax 1.16 1.61 2.22 1.11 Tic-Tacs Thumbtacks Carpet Tacks Stadium Tax 1.98 3.98 0.98 0.69 Flat Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee 8.32 3.46 2.60 5.00 No Pkg Fee F.I.C.A. T.G.I.F. Life Ins. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 Health Ins. Disability AbilityLiability Ins. 16.23 2.50 0.25 3.41 Dental Ins.Mental Ins.ReassuranceCoffee 4.50 4.33 0.11 6.85 Coffee CupsCalendarFloor RentalChair Rental 66.51 3.06 16.85 0.32 Desk RentalUnion DuesUnion Don'tsCash Advances 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69 Cash RetreatsOvertimeUndertimeEastern Time 121.351.2654.839.00 Central TimeMntn Time Pacific TimeGMT 8.007.00 6.0024.00 Bath TimeTime OutOxygenWater 4.4412.2110.0216.54 ElectricityHeatAirMisc 38.2351.4246.83144.38 Take Home Pay: $0000.02 (This is where the expression "just my 2 cents worth" came from...) _____________ From Bchpepl2! $25,000 LEASE APPROVAL IN AS LITTLE AS 3 HRS! OVER $25,000 CAN BE APPROVED IN AS LITTLE AS 48 HRS! Asset Capital Lease is a new kind of leasing company. Most leasing companies use standard finance programs that benefit the leasing company and not the business owner. Unreasonable credit requirements combined with high interest rates and limited payment options place an unnecessary burden on most leasing customers. Demand for flexible leases with reasonable rates prompted us to create and develop a customer based leasing division. Our Online Lease Program provides a competitive advantage for our potential clients. We are also actively developing new asset marketing programs for vendors. This Online Leasing program's time has definitely come! Call Don Johnson at 780-916-4399, e-mail - don@assetcapitallease.com, visit http://www.Assetcapitallease.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Seinfeldisms ################ + Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? + If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? + Does fuzzy logic tickle? + If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? + I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. + How come you never hear about gruntled employees? + If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? + Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? + What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? + Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? + Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? + Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? ____________ From Kathy K! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Marriage Jokes: ####################### ** The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress." His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us? _____________ From Darlene T! **> Earn MORE for each referral!! - Upto 33% COMMISSION at OneandOnly! <** Are you fed up with receiving paltry $5 checks for promoting bad affiliate programs?? YES! - then join an affiliate site that pays well for your services. JOIN the OneAndOnly program the offers 15% commission on Personal ads, and 33% COMMISSION on all Webmasters you refer, WHY AREN'T YOU ON IT??!! At: http://www.oneandonlynetwork.com/welcome.htm?MID=36935 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) +=- Animal Jokes: ##################### ** Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." __________ From Anne! ============== The Motivational Mailer ============== Are you looking for an UPLIFTING way to start each day? Better than a cup of coffee, The Motivational Mailer INSPIRES you to face each weekday with stories, quotes and humor. To subscribe mail to: overcomeunlimited-subscribe@listbot.com ============= http://www.self-worth.com ============= ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(10) +=- Blonde Jokes ################ ** A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny". Watch this. He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny? The truck driver asked the blonde." She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times." ________________ From Steven Young! ** Last night my girlfriend was rhapsodising about her new apartment. "It's so close to everything!" she gushed. "It's even in walking distance to a gas station!" We were both silent for a few seconds, and then she quietly said: "That doesn't make sense, does it?" I declined to answer. ______________ From J. Stevens! FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
