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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ENJOY LAS VEGAS EXCITEMENT IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME? Visit the Atlantis Casino & Sportsbook http://www.casino-atlantis.com/?je to play over 20 casino games for FREE or real money. You can also bet on all major sports in the online Sportsbook. We are fully licensed & all funds are 100% guaranteed. Join today to get a 10% bonus on your first cash deposit or request a FREE CD of casino gaming software. Visit: http://www.casino-atlantis.com/?je ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(8) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 5, No. 9 July 19th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 7576 275 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... ********************************************************* JUST 100 BUCKS to advertise for 12 issues!!! That equates to just $8.33 an issue to over 7500 readers. OVER 75,000 views of YOUR ad for just 100 bucks!! Email: adspecial@jokeemail.com to reserve the issues! ********************************************************* For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Check out the Practical joke we have in this week's edition. Download it, then run it on a colleagues computer and see them go berserk as they think the computer had deleted it's entire hard drive.. hilarity prevails Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(10) ###################### ** A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the women drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. He admires her for a few seconds, then hands her $500 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband calls from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?" _____________ From Bchpepl2! Need a Dental Plan? Only $15/mth Family, $9/mth Single Vision and Rx plans included with no extra charges. NO claims forms, waiting periods or deductibles! Pre-existing conditions covered. Brokers needed if you would like a great residual income. Contact us today dental@indyland.com and we will get you all the free information ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4) As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!" _________ From Anne! ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Q: How many Focalex email readers does it take screw in a light bulb? A: None; with all the money they saved they paid other people to do it. Focalex offers hot deals, cool steals and great promotions delivered to your inbox about the topics YOU choose. Subscribe and find out today! http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html ===== +=- Practical Jokes: ################## ** An absolute corker of a practical joke to send to all your mates. Download it from the Joke Email.com site at http://www.jokeemail.com/enjoy.exe Run the little file from your desktop and this will really scare you... it shows the computer deleting all Windows files than asks to close down the computer. It's okay, it's only an animation - it does no damage at all. But install it on someone elses machine and watch them run from their cubicle.... The best way to do this is to swap a well-used shortcut to this little program, and they will really think they're computer is in serious trouble.. Remember, virus check all files downloaded from the Net... Get Cash For Your Used CDs! At http://www.CashForCDs.com, your CDs can gather cash instead of dust. You can get a free AutoQuote to see the value of your CDs. If you accept the quote, then CashForCDs.com will send you a free mailer and postage-paid label for sending back the CDs. Why keep those dusty CDs you don't listen to anymore? Turn them into cash easily at http://www.CashForCDs.com ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(5) ################### ** KEYS TO BUSINESS SUCCESS 1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. 3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. ____________ From Sandy B! COFFEE, TEA, AND....... Relax and treat yourself to new taste sensations. Imagine the enticing aromas of unique, rare, and exotic new blends. Take a moment to enjoy the finest coffees and teas. Find them all at http://www.junglesque.com/index_te.html?te Junglesque, Rare Estate Coffees and Teas from around the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(18) +=- Religious Jokes: ####################### ** A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never, Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody." _________ From Mary! +=- You Know You're Jokes: ################# ** You Know You're a really annoying person at the drive-thru when... 1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside. 2. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume. 3. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you. 4. Repeat everything the order-taker says. 5. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours. 6. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please". 7. In a crowded drive-through line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food. 8. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells. 9. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion. 10. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice. 11. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk. 12. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe". ____________ From Bchpepl2! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Animal Jokes: ##################### ** The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Great Dane and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me". So the great dane says "I love liver and cheese". The Collie says "That's not good enough". The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese". She says "That's not creative enough". Finally the Chihuahua says "Liver alone.....cheese mine". __________ From Sooz! ============== The Motivational Mailer ============== Are you looking for an UPLIFTING way to start each day? Better than a cup of coffee, The Motivational Mailer INSPIRES you to face each weekday with stories, quotes and humor. To subscribe mail to: overcomeunlimited-subscribe@listbot.com ============= http://www.self-worth.com ============= ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(11) +=- Actually True! Jokes: ####################### ** LESS THAN A FULL DECK: IN THE BAG A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag. MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail. DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS? A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years. YOU MEAN ME? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom. LEARN YOUR LESSON When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times." AHH, THAT'S BETTER! A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years. _____________ From Bchpepl2! **> Earn MORE for each referral!! - Upto 33% COMMISSION at OneandOnly! <** Are you fed up with receiving paltry $5 checks for promoting bad affiliate programs?? YES! - then join an affiliate site that pays well for your services. JOIN the OneAndOnly program the offers 15% commission on Personal ads, and 33% COMMISSION on all Webmasters you refer, WHY AREN'T YOU ON IT??!! At: http://www.oneandonlynetwork.com/welcome.htm?MID=36935 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) +=- Good/Bad/Worse Jokes: ##################### ** Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Worse: Your daughter has them. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Worse: So are you. Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Worse: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. _________ From Anne! WITTY - SMART - INTELLIGENT - ORIGINAL - FUNNY - CLEVER Subscribe to Bruce H.G. Calder's JOKE OF THE DAY It's great, you'll like it, it's free mailto:sub-joke@calder.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ################ ** A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!" _____________ From Bchpepl2! FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
