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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ARE YOU INTERESTED IN IMPROVING YOUR CASINO GAMBLING SKILLS? Then visit the Mayan Casino http://www.mayancasino.com/?je to play over 20 casino games for FREE or real money. You can also bet on all major sports in the online Sportsbook. We are fully licensed & all funds are 100% guaranteed. Join today to get a 10% bonus on your first cash deposit or request a FREE CD of casino gaming software. Visit: http://www.mayancasino.com/?je ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(9) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 5, No. 7 July 5th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 7052 245 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... ********************************************************* ====INDEPENDANCE DAY SPECIAL === Buy 2 Ads - Get one FREE!! And this applies to all non-sponsor ads, so if you buy 20, you get 10 free!! To take advantage of our massive Holiday goodwill spirit, Email: adspecial@jokeemail.com to reserve the issues! ********************************************************* For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Okay, so a little late, but hope all our US readers have a great Independance Day (or what's left of it anyway!) To celebrate the 4th July, we have a special 4th July advertising special, where you buy 2 ads and get the third ad FREE!! This applies to all our deals - so buy 20, and get 10 free! And Posh Spice Victoria Adams and Man United superstar David Beckham finally wed yesterday at their castle in Ireland (alright for some eh?!) But if Nostradamus is to be believed, we will all die now or quite soon, so they better enjoy married life.. all 24 hours of it! Apparently, Doomsday is actually July 4th 1999, so get that fallout shelter ready soon... Keep laughing till Thursday, then sleep through till Friday and just hope you wake up again.. :-)) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(12) ###################### ** A family is driving in their car on vacation. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to brake in time to avoid the frog. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. The frog is grateful, speaks to the man, thanks him and tells him that he will grant him a wish. The man says, please make my dog win the next dog race. The frog asks to look at the dog which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it is very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulful his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says, Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. The wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Can I please have another look at the dog?". _________ From Sooz! Need a Dental Plan? Only $15/mth Family, $9/mth Single Vision and Rx plans included with no extra charges. NO claims forms, waiting periods or deductibles! Pre-existing conditions covered. Brokers needed if you would like a great residual income. Contact us today dental@indyland.com and we will get you all the free information ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(6) Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." __________ From Susan! ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== +=- Bumper Stickers: ################### ** BUMPER STICKERS TO RELATE TO If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You 1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest?? Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot. Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal! Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It! Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again? I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Honk If Anything Falls Off He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere ______________ From Mercedes! Get Cash For Your Used CDs! At http://www.CashForCDs.com, your CDs can gather cash instead of dust. You can get a free AutoQuote to see the value of your CDs. If you accept the quote, then CashForCDs.com will send you a free mailer and postage-paid label for sending back the CDs. Why keep those dusty CDs you don't listen to anymore? Turn them into cash easily at http://www.CashForCDs.com ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(7) ####################### ** Men are like.... Men are like ... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory. Men are like ... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like ... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like ... power tools They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work. Men are like ... remote controls Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV. Men are like ... road kill They usually just lie around until they start to smell. Men are like ... soap operas They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear. Men are like ... pillows Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy. Men are like ... old car tires Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare. Men are like ... plastic wrap Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through. Men are like ... department stores Their clothes should always be half off. Men are like ... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like ... plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. __________ From Sooz! COFFEE, TEA, AND....... Relax and treat yourself to new taste sensations. Imagine the enticing aromas of unique, rare, and exotic new blends. Take a moment to enjoy the finest coffees and teas. Find them all at http://www.junglesque.com/index_te.html?te Junglesque, Rare Estate Coffees and Teas from around the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(20) +=- Computer Jokes: ##################### ** There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere. "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL." _____________ From Bchpepl2! How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) +=- Actually True! Jokes: ####################### ** IDIOTS IN THE STORE: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So, I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. AN IDIOT'S IDIOT: Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message, "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. _____________ From Bchpepl2! **> Earn MORE for each referral!! - Upto 33% COMMISSION at OneandOnly! <** Are you fed up with receiving paltry $5 checks for promoting bad affiliate programs?? YES! - then join an affiliate site that pays well for your services. JOIN the OneAndOnly program the offers 15% commission on Personal ads, and 33% COMMISSION on all Webmasters you refer, WHY AREN'T YOU ON IT??!! At: http://www.oneandonlynetwork.com/welcome.htm?MID=36935 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) +=- Yo Mama Jokes: ##################### ** Yo mama so fat she put on a black bathingsuit and jumped in the ocean and averyone said oilspill. _________________ From JRBADBOY88! ** Yo mama is so horny when she went in for a physical she got physical! _____________ From Unknown! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ################# ** This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!" _____________ From Bchpepl2! FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
