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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ARE YOU INTERESTED IN IMPROVING YOUR CASINO GAMBLING SKILLS? Then visit the Wild West Frontier Casino http://www.wildwestfrontier.com/?je to play over 20 casino games for FREE or real money. You can also bet on all major sports in the online Sportsbook. We are fully licensed & all funds are 100% guaranteed. Join today to get a 10% bonus on your first cash deposit or request a FREE CD of casino gaming software. Visit: http://www.wildwestfrontier.com/?je ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(10) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 5, No. 4 June 14th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 6427 273 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... ********************************************************* JUST OVER ONE DOLLAR TO ADVERTISE TO 1000 EYES! Yes, this week's special is just over $1 CPM!! 8 issues advertising in JokeEmail for only $60 Email: adspecial@jokeemail.com to reserve the issues! ********************************************************* For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Here we all are again! Hope you've all been sunning up in these fantastic weeks of Summer/Spring, and laughing yourselves silly with our jokes! Keep the jokes coming into Joke Email HQ - email submitjoke@jokeemail.com , and maube you'll see your name in ASCII - print thing!! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(15) ###################### ** A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack." __________ From Susan! Need a Dental Plan? Only $15/mth Family, $9/mth Single Vision and Rx plans included with no extra charges. NO claims forms, waiting periods or deductibles! Pre-existing conditions covered. Brokers needed if you would like a great residual income. Contact us today dental@indyland.com and we will get you all the free information ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(9) ** A man walks into a healthfood restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!" Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth. Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!" He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!" He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??" "Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts." "The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him. "Yes," replies the waiter, ". . . they're complimentary !!" __________ From Eirini ! ===== LOVE PERSONALS - internet personal ads! Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== ++ LAST CHANCE TO ENTER!!++ Compaq Presario Sweeps - ENTER THE BIGGER, FASTER, STRONGER PC SWEEPSTAKES! Win the ultimate Internet PC for the digital future! The Compaq Presario 5695 is your powerful answer. Sign up for FREE. Click Below! http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/presario.htm ===== +=- Star Wars Jokes: ################### ** It was Christmas time and Princess Leah was doing her shopping on Oxford Street, London and she bumped into Darth Vader. After initial greetings Darth Vader tells her:- "I know [ckooww] what Luke [ckooww] Skywalker is getting [ckooww] you for Christmas." "How do you know that?" "I felt his Presents". **> Earn MORE for each referral!! - Upto 33% COMMISSION at OneandOnly! <** Are you fed up with receiving paltry $5 checks for promoting bad affiliate programs?? YES! - then join an affiliate site that pays well for your services. JOIN the OneAndOnly program the offers 15% commission on Personal ads, and 33% COMMISSION on all Webmasters you refer, WHY AREN'T YOU ON IT??!! At: http://www.oneandonlynetwork.com/welcome.htm?MID=36935 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) +=- Actually True! Jokes: ####################### ** This is an accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is the bricklayer's report... a true story. Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in section 3 of the accident report form. I put 'Poor Planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in section 11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping, until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs. ___________ From Susan! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ##################### **A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?" "And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight." ** A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man."To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." Free Internet Marketing Books! FREE Affiliate Programs! FREE Advertising! Accept Credit Cards For FREE! FREE Internet Marketing Courses! FREE Secure Server! Start Your Own Affiliate Program For FREE! Visit: http://www.ldpublishing.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) +=- Yo Mama Jokes: ####################### ** Yo Mama's so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. ** Yo Mama's so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. ** Yo Mama's so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. ** Yo Mama's so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! ** Yo Mama's so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." ** Yo Mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. ===== Modern Day Millionaire... How To Stay Home and Get Rich in Network Marketing. Anybody can do it, including you! Over the past five years, I've helped thousands of people across the country realize their dreams through Network Marketing, and now I'm ready to help you! Simply click below and order my FREE REPORT, "Creating a Fortune Through Network Marketing," and I'll show you a simple, step-by-step plan to create your fortune from the comfort of your own home. http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/prostep.htm ===== ===== WIN THE DREAM HOLIDAY!.... FREE! Millenium Cruise Sweeps Enter Now to win the Party Cruise of the Century! Enjoy an 8 day Carribean Cruise for Four! Ports of Call: Miami, Key West, Cozumel, Ocho Rio, Playa Del Carmen and Coco Cay. Click Below to Party into the New Millenium. It's FREE!!! http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/millen.htm ===== +=- Blonde Jokes: ##################### ** A brunette, a red-head, and a blond were all in line to be executed by a firing squad. When the brunette went up, the executioner asked,"Do you have any last words?" "Yes," she answered and she yelled,"TORNADO!!" Everyone ran for their lives and she was saved. The next day the red-head went up and the executioner asked,"Do you have any last words?" "Yes," she answered and yelled,"HURRICANE!!" Everyone again ran for their lives and were saved. The next day the blond went up and again the executioner asked,"Do you have any last words?" The blond was ready for this and had her answer all planned out. "Yes," she answered and yelled,"FIRE!!!" ______________ From :) anonymous :) +=- Tasteless Jokes: ################ ** A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "Oh I really don't mind, afterall, it's only gonner be me and you." If you like oldtime, traditional country music, you'll love Country Music Classics. It's all about country music-back when it was REALLY Country! Stories behind the songs, questions & Answers, and more. To subscribe, e-mail to "Subscribe/Queek" in the message. It's Every Week and it's F R E E! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ################# ** After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognised a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practising law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp." FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
