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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW TO STOP THE AGING CLOCK! As seen on Oprah, Brokaw, 20/20, 48 Hrs. FREE Harvard MD reports. FREE Longevity News Home Study Subscription. FREE Anti-Aging Self Test Kit. Real Doctors, NOT MLM! Longevity Resources Int'l. Send any email to 2lri4u@getresponse.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 5, No. 3 June 7th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 6154+ 275 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== THIS WEEKS SPECIAL...SAME ONE! IT'S THAT GOOD! ********************************************************* Buy 8 ads - Get 2 FREE!! 10 ads for the price of 8 - don't miss this offer!! Just $12 an issue for a prime advert spot to almost 6,000 subs Under $2 CPM - is there any better VALUE advertising ?? Email: adspecial@jokeemail.com to reserve the issues! ********************************************************* For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Hi Everyone! Ready for another week? Congrats to Andre Agassi for winning the French Open, and keep sending us your jokes.. sendto: submitjokes@jokeemail.com Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(16) ###################### ** This is serious...a "WORK" virus is on the loose... If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT! The "work" virus has been circulating round our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and the brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via e-mail, then to transmogrify the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words, "I've had enough of your rubbish...I'm off down the pub". The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed. If you receive "work" in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order 3 pints. After repeating this action 14 times you will find that "work" will no longer trouble you. Need a Dental Plan? Only $15/mth Family, $9/mth Single Vision and Rx plans included with no extra charges. NO claims forms, waiting periods or deductibles! Pre-existing conditions covered. Brokers needed if you would like a great residual income. Contact us today dental@indyland.com and we will get you all the free information ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(10) They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful wizard and Dan Quayle says "I've had a tough time getting by in Washington and I think I'd like to have a brain". Newt Gingrich speaks next and says "I've heard all they say about me and my conservative politics and I'd like to have a heart." President Clinton speaks last and says "I'll just take Dorothy." ** Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. _________ From Anne! ===== LOVE PERSONALS Find love and have fun! Join the Love Personals today!! Place a FREE ad. Browse our ads and pictures FREE!! Join Love Personals now! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== +=- Alcohol Jokes: ################### ** The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: 13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. 11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can`t remember). 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. _________ From Zee! How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) +=- Putdowns: ####################### ** Try using these some time....... 1)Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. 2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 13) No, my powers can only be used for good. 14) How about never? Is never good for you? 15) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 16) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 17) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 18) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 19) I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 20) Who me? I just wander from room to room. 21) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 22) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 23) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 24) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ##################### You Know You're a Redneck if.. ~ You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. ~ You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. ~ You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair. ~ You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. ... ~ You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church. ... ~ You still have an 8-track tape player in your car. ... ~ You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside. ... ~ You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station. ... ~ They have to notify next of kin by visiting the state pen. **> Earn MORE for each referral!! - Upto 33% COMMISSION at OneandOnly! <** Are you fed up with receiving paltry $5 checks for promoting bad affiliate programs?? YES! - then join an affiliate site that pays well for your services. JOIN the OneAndOnly program the offers 15% commission on Personal ads, and 33% COMMISSION on all Webmasters you refer, WHY AREN'T YOU ON IT??!! At: http://www.oneandonlynetwork.com/welcome.htm?MID=36935 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) +=- Yo Mama Jokes: ####################### ** Yo Mama's so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed! ** Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping from the basement window! ** Yo Mama's so stupid she thinks having an ugly-ass kid like you was her greatest achievement! ** Yo Mama's so dumb, she fell out of the tree raking leaves. ** Yo Mama's so stupid she tried to knock a bird off the cliff! ** Yo Mama's so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! ** Yo Mama's so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! ** Yo Mama's so stupid she got hit by a parked car! ** Yo Mama's so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! ** Yo Mama's so stupid she clicked on an Ad Banner! WANT TO MAKE MONEY ON THE INTERNET? Subscribe to our FREE E-zine, "M&A E-News" is sent weekly to over 25,000 Webmasters, Hostmasters, Entrepreneurs, etc... To Subscribe, send an email to: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Lawyer Jokes: ################## ** Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick falls off you when you die. _________ From Anne! +=- Blonde Jokes: ##################### ** Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" _________ From Anne! FREE RECIPES! BOOMER MEMORIES! FREE RECIPES! RECIPE DU JOUR Free easy to prepare recipes, Boomer memories, plus humor. Delivered free daily via email. To subscribe, send a blank email to mailto:recipedujour-subscribe@listbot.com or visit http://www.recipedujour.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4) ################ ** Wedding Quotes: ~ By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates ~ A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner ~ Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West ~ A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. - Unknown ~ A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. - Unknown ~ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie ______________ From Holdsworth! If you like oldtime, traditional country music, you'll love Country Music Classics. It's all about country music-back when it was REALLY Country! Stories behind the songs, questions & Answers, and more. To subscribe, e-mail to "Subscribe/Queek" in the message. It's Every Week and it's F R E E! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ################## ** Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors? A: Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan. _________ From Anne! Free Internet Marketing Books! FREE Affiliate Programs! FREE Advertising! Accept Credit Cards For FREE! FREE Internet Marketing Courses! FREE Secure Server! Start Your Own Affiliate Program For FREE! Visit: http://www.ldpublishing.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $14.95 / MTH. VIRTUAL WEB HOSTING. Yes, a fully functional, reliable, affordable Virtual Web Site Solution for Only $14.95/Mth*. You Get 25 Meg of space, Email POP Account, Email Aliases, Autoresponders, and much more! Check it out, Email: http://www.manda1.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
