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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEED GREAT BANNER ADS? Check out http://www.loungelizard.net Lounge Lizard Graphics is an award-winning online advertising design studio that specializes in creating amazing banner ads, print ads, and web graphics. There work has won major industry awards for design, conceptual thinking, and effectivness. They also accept major credit cards. Their online portfolio can be seen at http://www.loungelizard.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 4, No. 10 May 17th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 4014 382 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... ********************************************************* $100 for 15 issues advertising!! Under $7 per issue to advertise to 4,000 people! That's 60,000 views of YOUR advert, just $2 CPM!! To reserve your spot NOW, email adspecial@jokeemail.com ********************************************************* For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Well, a BIG sports week for everyone around the world! Man United deserveably won the English Football Premiership, the NBA playoffs were in full swing with some cracking games, and Michael Schumacher won the Monaco Grand Prix... oh, to be in Monaco... Anyway, we here for the jokes, so here they all are... ENJOY :-)) Tom Evans PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(19) *=- General Jokes: ###################### ** A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps." _____________________ From Polly at PagePals!! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ** All I Really Need To Know (I Learned From Noah's Ark) 1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. 2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big. 3. Don't listen to critics - do what has to be done. 4. Build on high ground. 5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs. 6. Two heads are better than one. 7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails. 8. If you can't fight or flee - float! 9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth. 10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat. ** What do you get when you cross Regain and Viagra? Don King! ________________ From Unk Raut 15! ===== WHAT WOULD U DO WITH $100,000??? Enter now to win the $100,000 Giveaway. Buy a new car, holiday, house!! One lucky subscriber may win it! At: http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/100grand.htm ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== WIN the ULTIMATE in Home Theater Entertainment! The Panasonic DVD-A110 offers incredible digital surround sound through the sound system of choice for many movie theaters. Experience digital audio that delivers the ultimate sound experience. To jolt yourself into DVD space, this prize package comes with your choice of 10 DVD movies! All you add is the popcorn. Sign up FREE! At: http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/dvdmar1.htm ===== *=- Animal Jokes: ###################### ** A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?" "Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!" _________________ From Pagepal Polly! ** Two buddies were camping in the woods together, sharing a tent. One morning they heard rustling outside the tent and then a loud growl. They looked out and sure enough it was a huge brown bear looking for food. The first guy immediately starts throwing on his clothes and running shoes. The second guy says "What are you going to do?" "RUN!" says the first guy. The second guy then tells him "You can't outrun a bear." To which the first guy replies: "I don't have to outrun the bear I just have to outrun you!! ___________ From JanisW! FREE JOKES!!! Veteran Bob Hope comedy writer turned cruise ship entertainer Bob Mills publishes a hilarious daily e-zine with topical gags that range from politically incorrect to tasteless, plus backstage Hope Show anecdotes, movie reviews, lists and more! To subscribe, send a blank e-mail to: FunnySideUp-subscribe@ListBot.com For the weekly only edition: BestofFSU-subscribe@ListBot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) *=- Unbelieveably True! Jokes: ####################### ** Genuine letters to the local Council... ------- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. ------- Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother. ------- I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead. ------- My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is lethargic to it. ------- Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life. ------- The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised. ------- You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter? ------- Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic. ------- In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. ------- Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it. ------- Re: your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully. ------- I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born. ------- I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances. ________________ From J Gladstone! THINKING ABOUT DEVELOPING AN INTERNET INCOME? FREE! "The SuperTips Book of Internet Marketing"... packed with great ideas for advertising, marketing, bringing visitors to your website, ingenious tricks and much more. Get it now! It's FREE when you subscribe to our No-Cost E-zine filled with Internet marketing tips. Info: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ##################### ** Cat Commandments: 1) Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is online. 2) Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. 3) Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. 4) Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art transparent. 5) Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt. 6) Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face. 7) Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. 8) Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors. 9) Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it. 10) Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself. 11) Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity. 12) Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow. 13) Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house. ____________ From Ronpilot! ===== GET THE BEST SEX -- AT ANY AGE! Discover the secrets to having the best sex at any age...the "roaring 20's", "steamy 30's", "fabulous 40's" and "still rockin' at 50" and beyond! Free book trial. Click here for details. At: http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/sexbook.htm ===== ===== WOMEN DOCTORS REVEAL 1,749 ASTOUNDING SELF-HEALING SECRETS! 500 top women doctors sent us an avalanche of astounding antidotes fpr everything from migraines and food cravings to PMS and labor pain. Free book trial. Click here for details. http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/remedy.htm ===== *=- Fitness Jokes: ####################### ** An obviously overweight young man decided to sign up for a weight loss program complete with a personal trainer. It included a run each morning at 6:00 a.m. So when the door bell rings the next morning, he's dressed and ready to go. When he opens the door he sees the most beautiful blonde he has ever seen. She's tall, very well endowed above a very slim waist with long graceful legs. She's dressed in a small pair of running shorts and a running halter that can barely contain her. She smiles and says, "If you can catch me, you can have me." and starts off at a very fast run. This continues each morning. After about three very frustrating weeks the young man begins to get in shape and can almost keep up with her. One morning he's barely able to touch her running shorts but can't hang on. But he thinks tomorrow will be the big day. I'll catch her and have her. He barely sleeps that night waiting in eager anticipation. The next morning, the bell rings precisely at 6:00 am. He runs to the door and throws it open. There stands a huge burley woman, at least six feet five inches in height and over 250 pounds. She's muscled up like a plow ox and has a large wart amid her facial hair. She smiles and says, "I'm your new trainer. If I can catch you, I can have you!" ____________ From CLNALL! END YO-YO dieting and achieve permanent weight loss with a FREE diet tips and motivation newsletter written by Dr Judy Citron psychologist and ex-yoyo dieter. Still eat your favorite foods. No medication and no deprivation. Subscribe to free newsletter by emailing mailto:joke@thedietcoach.com or on http://www.thedietcoach.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) *=- Sexist Jokes: Men ################## ** New Words to an old Dylan Song: How many roads must a man drive down Before he admits he is lost Why when a man becomes married is he unable to find his own socks. How many times will it take 'til he knows he has seen the three stooges enough The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend The answer, I cannot comprehend How many shows can a man surf through before the remote burns out Why does he think that an intimate giftis a Dustbuster Plus for the house How many sounds can a man's body make before he sleeps on the couch The answer my friend, is take two aspirin The answer is take two aspirin Why when we go for a romantic drive do we wind up at Builder's Square again How many nights will he leave the seat up so I land on cold porcelain How men really feel is mystery to me and probably a mystery to them The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin The answer is driving me to gin. _____________ From Mizz Zee! *=- Sexist Jokes: Women ################# What is the only food that makes a women loose her sex drive? - Wedding cake! ________________ From Unk Raut 15! Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love? A: "Honey, I'm home." Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. ______________ From Holdsworth! Are you up to date on the latest developments vital to your health and wellbeing? Get the latest health information from worldwide experts for all ages and stages delivered weekly: men, women, children, nutrition, parenting, fitness, and much more.. Discover the fastest growing resource for worldwide health news and get up to speed. http://www.bodyatlas.com/newsindex.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) *=- Childrens Jokes: ################## ** Where do sick spies go? - The hor-spy-tal !! ** Why was six afraid of seven? - Because seven eight nine!! Subscribe to the Biz Opp Ezine today! Receive weekly new opportunities and marketing tips in your mailbox every Thursday! Find out how you can win a free ad! http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/ajalink ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) *=- Yo Mama Jokes: ################ ** Yo mama is so poor that she got thrown out of the grocery store for stealing free samples. ** Yo mama is so fat that she left with high heels and came back with flip-flops. ________________ From Unk Raut 15! ** Yo mama so freaking dumb, she jumped out a window and she fell upwards! ______________ From OddKnight3! ** Yo mama's so fat she stepped on the scale it gave her her home phone number! _____________ From Rory1010! ** Yo Mama's so greasy that when she played baseball, she slid to third base and ended up in Brazil! _________________ From Mitchell Kettler! RECOMMENDED TO OUR READERS!!! The E-Zine AdSource Weekly (zine) covers all aspects of advertising through E-Zines. It is filled with articles, tips and help from professionals. It is FREE to subscribe - send any e-mail to: ezineadsource-subscribe@egroups.com (mailto:ezineadsource-subscribe@egroups.com) or visit the site at: http://www.ezineadsource.com. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you like oldtime, traditional country music, you'll love Country Music Classics. It's all about country music-back when it was REALLY Country! Stories behind the songs, questions & Answers, and more. To subscribe, e-mail to "Subscribe/Queek" in the message. It's Every Week and it's F R E E! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
