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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEED GREAT BANNER ADS? Check out http://www.loungelizard.net Lounge Lizard Graphics is an award-winning online advertising design studio that specializes in creating amazing banner ads, print ads, and web graphics. There work has won major industry awards for design, conceptual thinking, and effectivness. They also accept major credit cards. Their online portfolio can be seen at http://www.loungelizard.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 4, No. 9 May 10th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 4014 382 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... ********************************************************* $100 for 15 issues advertising!! Under $7 per issue to advertise to 4,000 people! That's 60,000 views of YOUR advert, just $2 CPM!! To reserve your spot NOW, email adspecial@jokeemail.com ********************************************************* For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Hi Everyone! Happy Mother's Day to everyone in America, and if your stuck for what to get for Father's Day, check out LizardLounge Graphics design, and PagePals bookmarks!! PagePals are fun! PagePals are green! PagePals are worms! BookWorms to be exact. Visit us at PagePals.com and be the first to read our first e-Book! Receive your own PagePal paper bookmark absolutely free! ** When purchasing a genuine animation cell bookmark, just mention "Joke Email.com and you will get a second one of your choice FREE!!!** Please Come! We are waiting! http://www.PagePals.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(10) *=- Mother's Day Jokes: ###################### ** Top 9 List of what Moms REALLY want for Mother's Day 9. To have a 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way. 8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty 7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as she puts a razor to her ankle. 6. A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt 5. For a teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!" 4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line. 3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions. 2. To be able to step on a plane with toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!" And the number 1 thing that moms REALLY want for Mother's Day is..... 1) Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison Are You SICK of WORK?? Long HOURS and low PAY?? Answer YES?... then DO SOMETHING!! Submit your Resume FREE to BrainPower, and let US do the legwork for you! Just sit back and let BrainPower find you your PERFECT Job!! Work LESS hours for MORE pay!!Take the first step to a BETTER job today, send us your Resume NOW!! http://www.jokeemail.brainpower.com to find a better future, a better job, more $$$!! At: BrainPower NB. This URL DOES work now! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) *=- General Jokes: ###################### ** Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. Exploring, she found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back. She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday" "YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated... "Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel." "Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man. "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight." ___________ From Susan! How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) *=- Star Wars Jokes: ################# ** Choose the force. Choose a side, choose a Jedi knight, choose a teacher, choose a f***ing big death star, choose star destroyers, blasters, tie-fighters and a light-sabre. Choose a black suit, black helmet and boots. Choose a loan from Jabba the Hut. Choose a philosophy. Choose an Emperor. Choose a planet with a matching moon. Choose a three-planet system in the Dromoda system and f***ing enslave them. Choose the Rebels and wondering why the f*** you are kneeling by the Emperor on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting next to that Emperor watching whole planets being enslaved in mind-controlling, force-crushing battles, stuffing f***ing replacement parts into your body. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable death star, nothing more than a dictator to the selfish, evil f***ed up brats who fight for you. Choose a future. Choose the Force. I choose not to choose the Force. I choose something else... .. I choose...The Dark Side. ________________ From J Gladstone! ===== Waikiki Sweeps GET WET-N-WILD IN WAIKIKI! WIN 6 DAYS AT THE HAWAIIAN WAIKIKI BEACH HOTEL! Enter Now to Win. It's FREE! Click Below! Click HERE ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Compaq Presario Sweeps ENTER THE BIGGER, FASTER, STRONGER PC SWEEPSTAKES! Win the ultimate Internet PC for the digital future! The Compaq Presario 5695 is your powerful answer. Sign up for FREE. Click Below! Click HERE ===== *=- Car Jokes: ############## ** Some car acronyms AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips DODGE Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless _______________ From dawildthing! ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) *=- Career Jokes ################ ** "Unusual Interviews" Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. => A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. => Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. => Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. => Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. => Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer. => Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. => Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. => Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. => Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. => Candidate brought large dog to interview. => Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. => Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?" _______________ From dawildthing! FREE JOKES!!! Veteran Bob Hope comedy writer turned cruise ship entertainer Bob Mills publishes a hilarious daily e-zine with topical gags that range from politically incorrect to tasteless, plus backstage Hope Show anecdotes, movie reviews, lists and more! To subscribe, send a blank e-mail to: FunnySideUp-subscribe@ListBot.com For the weekly only edition: BestofFSU-subscribe@ListBot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ===== NEED MONEY FOR COLLEGE? Fastweb is the largest FREE scholarship search on the Internet, with more than 400,000 scholarships worth over $1 billion. Get accurate, updated information on scholarships, grants, and fellowships, all at absolutely no cost. And fastweb is the only scholarship search service that allows students to apply online through the E-Scholarship program. Sign up now! CLICK BELOW!!! Click HERE ===== ===== Septic Helper 2000 Maintain your septic system quickly and easily. Don't let repairs catch you off guard. If you'd like more information on maintaining your system and running your system more efficiently, request free information, here online. Septic Helper 2000 is a beneficial bacteria additive that is both safe and easy to use...and it's the first step in maintaining your system worry FREE. Click Here ===== *=- More Career Jokes: ####################### ** What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: "This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. "Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue. "Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit. "We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. "Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. "Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab. "I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. "That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up. "This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here? "This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. "Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. "I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ... "There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week END YO-YO dieting and achieve permanent weight loss with a FREE diet tips and motivation newsletter written by Dr Judy Citron psychologist and ex-yoyo dieter. Still eat your favorite foods. No medication and no deprivation. Subscribe to free newsletter by emailing mailto:joke@thedietcoach.com or on http://www.thedietcoach.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2) *=- Tax Jokes: ################## ** How to annoy the IRS in 10 easy steps.. (none recommended though) 1) Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side. 2) Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). 3) Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. 4) If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms. 5) Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on. 6) Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack. 7) When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. 8) If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. 9) Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. 10) Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped. These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you OWE money. If they owe you money, being nice helps. ______________ From dawildthing! Are you up to date on the latest developments vital to your health and wellbeing? Get the latest health information from worldwide experts for all ages and stages delivered weekly: men, women, children, nutrition, parenting, fitness, and much more.. Discover the fastest growing resource for worldwide health news and get up to speed. http://www.bodyatlas.com/newsindex.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) *=- Childrens Jokes: ################## ** Where do horses go when they are ill? - The Horse-pital!! ** Where do cows go on holiday? - Moo York!! ** How does a pengiun build his home? - Igloos it together!! If you like oldtime, traditional country music, you'll love Country Music Classics. It's all about country music-back when it was REALLY Country! Stories behind the songs, questions & Answers, and more. To subscribe, e-mail to "Subscribe/Queek" in the message. It's Every Week and it's F R E E! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) *=- Yo Mama Jokes: ################ ** Yo Mama's so dumb, she flunked recess! ** Yo Mama's so ugly, she fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch! _________________ From CDRPFRJMO! ** Yo Mama's so fat she painted her nails and the earth shone! _______________ From Deerboy306! Subscribe to the Biz Opp Ezine today! Receive weekly new opportunities and marketing tips in your mailbox every Thursday! Find out how you can win a free ad! http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/ajalink ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THINKING ABOUT DEVELOPING AN INTERNET INCOME? FREE! "The SuperTips Book of Internet Marketing"... packed with great ideas for advertising, marketing, bringing visitors to your website, ingenious tricks and much more. Get it now! It's FREE when you subscribe to our No-Cost E-zine filled with Internet marketing tips. Info: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
