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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 4, No. 8 May 3rd, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 3632 315 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... ********************************************************* 5 weeks advertising in Joke Email for just $45 !! YES, just $9 a week to advertise to 3400 people every week That totals 17,000+ views of YOUR ad for just $45 - !! Email: adspecial@jokeemail.com to reserve your spot! ********************************************************* For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Hi Everyone! Enjoy all this week's jokes, and take a look at Onelist's special promotion! Onelist (Joke Email's list distributer) is running a promotion where it will donate $5000 to the charity of choice, for the list that gains the most subscribers in May. So please share the humor, tell your friends, and let's hope we can make that donation to charity! Till next week.. keep laughing.. Tom :-) ~~~~~ Are You Tired of WORK?? Long HOURS and low PAY?? ~~~~~~~~ Answer YES?... then DO SOMETHING!! Submit your Resume FREE to BrainPower, and let US do the legwork for you! Just sit back and let BrainPower find you your PERFECT Job!! Work LESS hours for MORE pay!!Take the first step to a BETTER job today, send us your Resume NOW!! BrainPower ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) *=- General Jokes: ###################### ** One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!" ______________ From dawildthing! FREE JOKES!!! Veteran Bob Hope comedy writer turned cruise ship entertainer Bob Mills publishes a hilarious daily e-zine with topical gags that range from politically incorrect to tasteless, plus backstage Hope Show anecdotes, movie reviews, lists and more! To subscribe, send a blank e-mail to: FunnySideUp-subscribe@ListBot.com For the weekly only edition: BestofFSU-subscribe@ListBot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ** BEST T-SHIRT SAYINGS
From dawildthing! ===== NEW ZEALAND Experience Sweeps Enter to win 12 days and 11 nights in New Zealand:The Ultimate Alpine Experience. ENTER NOW, IT'S FREE! Click HERE ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== VW BEETLE Sweeps The New Beetle is here. Its time to smile. Its time to laugh. Its time to ask, what color do you dream in? Sign up NOW! Click HERE ===== *=- Redneck Jokes: ################# ** What do you call a Redneck with a 1000 lovers? - A shepherd! ___________ From Hendy! If you like oldtime, traditional country music, you'll love Country Music Classics. It's all about country music-back when it was REALLY Country! Stories behind the songs, questions & Answers, and more. To subscribe, e-mail to "Subscribe/Queek" in the message. It's Every Week and it's F R E E! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) *=- Internet Jokes ################ Interesting domains currently available...(as of 9th April) +++++++++ For those seeking a spouse: wifewanted.com, wantawife.com hubbywanted.com, husbandwanted.com, wantahubby.com, wantahusband.com +++++++++ For those seeking a spouse who also love Ben & Jerry Ice Cream: chubbyhubby.com, chubbyhubbywanted.com And to be equal opportunity: widewife.com, widewifewanted.com, largemarge.com +++++++++ For those seeking to marry an underage cousin: toothlessyokel.com, genetic-cesspool.com (with or w/o dash) +++++++++ The classic domain for liars is available: checkisinthemail.com (thecheckisinthemail.com is taken) +++++++++ Why buy the t-shirt when you can get: imwithstupid.com +++++++++ Sell your creams and ointments at: gotarash.com +++++++++ Express disbelief with: noreally.com, pullingmyleg.com, yourepullingmyleg.com, blowinghotair.com, blowingsmokeupmyass.com, areyoulyingtome.com +++++++++ Put your ultimate breakup site at: itsnotyouitsme.com, itsnotyou-itsme.com, its-not-you-its-me.com +++++++++ Open up: acanofwhupass.com +++++++++ Discuss your bad dates at: boremetodeath.com, romanhands.com, roaminhands.com, shutupyoupinhead.com, shootmenow.com, getyourhandoffmyass.com Invite your good dates to: spendthenight.com +++++++++ Getalife.com is taken, but if you're targeting the bargain hunter or people not quite ready to buy: getalifecheap.com, rentalife.com, leasealife.com +++++++++ If you're a disappointment to your parents: sorrymom.com, sorrydad.com If your parents are a disappointment to you: orphanbychoice.com +++++++++ I'm incredibly surprised no one has snatched up: incrediblycool.com, coolestsitearound.com, coolestsiteontheweb.com, nakedasajaybird.com +++++++++ And last, but not least, great available medical site names: knowyourcolon.com, cloggedarteries.com, thighsuction.com +++++++++ I want to know who will: buttermybread.com But if I drop it, it probably won't fall: buttersideup.com (buttersidedown.com is taken) +++++++++ When he said: gimmeyourwallet.com I was: scaredsilly.com But then a cop showed up and said: freezesucker.com ('70s TV cop) freezescumbag.com ('80s/'90s TV cop) +++++++++ For witches who like to eat fat little German kids: housemadeofcandy.com [All domains names listed above and not noted as taken were available as of April 9, 1999. In most cases, .org and .net variations were also available. List compiled by Greg Bulmash (gbulmash@pacbell.net)] _____________ From Holdworth! THINKING ABOUT DEVELOPING AN INTERNET INCOME? FREE! "The SuperTips Book of Internet Marketing"... packed with great ideas for advertising, marketing, bringing visitors to your website, ingenious tricks and much more. Get it now! It's FREE when you subscribe to our No-Cost E-zine filled with Internet marketing tips. Info: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) *=- Actually True! Jokes ################ ** "ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES" Here is a selection of actual answering machine messages... go on, try them on your answering machine :-)) +> My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. +> Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. +> Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. +> Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? +> Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. +> Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. +> Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. +> This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. +> Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. +> Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. +> If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. +> You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. +> Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. ______________ From dawildthing! ------------------------- ===== GET THE BEST SEX -- AT ANY AGE! Discover the secrets to having the best sex at any age...the "roaring 20's", "steamy 30's", "fabulous 40's" and "still rockin' at 50" and beyond! Free book trial. Click below for details. Click HERE ===== ===== ATLANTIC MONTHLY PLACES YOU AT THE LEADING EDGE OF CONTEMPORARY ISSUES...FREE TRIAL ISSUE! Plus the very best in fiction, travel, food and humor. The Atlantic explores the issues people are not just talking about, but living! Try your risk-free issue today! Click HERE ===== *=- Newspaper Jokes: ####################### ** "BAD HEADLINES" Headlines with double meanings that have appeared in newspapers from around the world. ~ March Planned For Next August ~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See ~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip ~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide ~ Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through ~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out ~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails - Fans Protest ~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped ~ Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store ~ Prostitutes Appeal to Pope ~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant ~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin ~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years ~ Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One ~ Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better ~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While ~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures ~ Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School ~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence ~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers ~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan ~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables ~ Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water ~ Farmer Bill Dies in House ~ Eye Drops off Shelf ~ Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead ~ Miners Refuse to Work after Death ~ Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over ~ Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter ~ Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead ~ New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group ~ Kids Make Nutritious Snacks ~ Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing ~ Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff ~ Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni ~ Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training ______________ From dawildthing! Subscribe to the Biz Opp Ezine today! Receive weekly new opportunities and marketing tips in your mailbox every Thursday! Find out how you can win a free ad! http://www.dime-co.com/bizopps.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) *=- Lawyer Jokes: ################### ** A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." ______________ From dawildthing! Are you up to date on the latest developments vital to your health and wellbeing? Get the latest health information from worldwide experts for all ages and stages delivered weekly: men, women, children, nutrition, parenting, fitness, and much more.. Discover the fastest growing resource for worldwide health news and get up to speed. http://www.bodyatlas.com/newsindex.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4) *=- Childrens Jokes: ################## ** Why are fruit trees such cry-babies? - People are always picking on them! ** Why is it dangerous to do maths in the jungle? - Because if you add 4 and 4, you get ate!! ** What's purple, rides a motorbike, and jumps over buses? - Evil Plum-evil!! ===== Life Minders.. Receive FREE personalized, practical email for all the important areas of your life: home, family, car, wealth, entertainment, pets and more. Click HERE ===== ===== WOMEN DOCTORS REVEAL 1,749 ASTOUNDING SELF-HEALING SECRETS! 500 top women doctors sent us an avalanche of astounding antidotes fpr everything from migraines and food cravings to PMS and labor pain. Free book trial. Click here for details. Click HERE ===== *=- Yo Mama Jokes: ################ ** Yo mama's hairy it looks like she has Buckwheat in a head lock!! _________________ From Darlene Urban! ** Yo mama is so ugly, she went into a haunted house and came out with a job _______________ From Mikemev218! ** Yo mama so fat, she hung her picture on the wall and the whole wall fell down. _____________ From Bronzerib! ** Yo mama's like a hockey puck. Everyone has a shot! ______________ From Shrpsht99! ** Yo mama's fat that she has to wear a sign that says "Caution: wide turns" ** Yo mama's so dumb she stole free bread. ____________________ From NolimitPlayer_187! *** FREE INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES and STORIES *** Are You Looking For An UPLIFTING Way To Start Each Day? The Motivational Mailer Inspires You Each Weekday With Quotes, Stories and Humor. *Inspirational, Encouraging and Uplifting *Motivational and Thought-Provoking *Laughter, Always The Best Medicine To Subscribe Send A Blank Email To: overcomeunlimited-subscribe@listbot.com Or Visit: http://www.self-worth.com ==============Self-Worth.Com==============(1) *=- Blonde Jokes: ################### ** How do you get a one-armed dumb blonde out of a tree? - Just Wave! ________ From Djjb! FREE 1 year subscription to ENTREPRENEUR MAGAZINE. No obligation/lists to join. Just our way of saying thank you for stopping by The WorkAtHome Resource Center at http://workathome.virtualave.net Come by and find the form at the bottom of the page. New drawing each month. Good Luck! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
