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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FREE JOKES!!! Veteran Bob Hope comedy writer turned cruise ship entertainer Bob Mills publishes a hilarious daily e-zine with topical gags that range from politically incorrect to tasteless, plus backstage Hope Show anecdotes, movie reviews, lists and more! To subscribe, send a blank e-mail to: FunnySideUp-subscribe@ListBot.com For the weekly only edition: BestofFSU-subscribe@ListBot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 4, No. 5 April 12th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 2877 174 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... ********************************************************* 60,000+ views - 25 WEEKS Advertising for just $150 - That's LESS THAN THREE DOLLARS per 1000 views!!! 10 times LESS than the Net Average!! Email: adspecial@jokeemail.com ********************************************************* For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
------------------------------------------------------------------------ *=- The STARTER: ################# ** Hi everyone! Just a few short weeks until the premiere of Star Wars: 1st part of 1st Trilogy (can't remember the name..) so get queueing for those first seats. Also, we're now 1/4 of the way through 1999... better get the plans for the millenium sorted soon! Good week... :-) ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) *=- General Jokes: ###################### ** An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast." How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ** Top 50 Oxymorons: 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Sci! entists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance And the Number one top oxymoron 1. Microsoft Works _____________ From Wildthing! ----------------------- ===== THE MOST REWARDING PAGE ON THE WEB. LITERALLY. Prolaunch launches you to a different web site which matches your interests PLUS you can earn "Launch Points" which are redeemable for frequent flyer miles, gift certificates and many other rewards. It's free. It's easy. It's private. And it pays...you! Sign up today at.... At: Click HERE ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== The Yamaha Keyboard Sweeps Breakthrough Yamaha XG technology extends General MIDI standards with hundreds of additional voices, plus voice editing, digital effects and other advanced features. Over 690 Superb Digital Voices. Choose from 200 panel voices and 12 complete drum kits, plus an additional 480 XG voices. Enter NOW! IT'S FREE!!! At: Click HERE ===== +=- Animal Jokes: ################# ** A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class." THINKING ABOUT DEVELOPING AN INTERNET INCOME? FREE! "The SuperTips Book of Internet Marketing"... packed with great ideas for advertising, marketing, bringing visitors to your website, ingenious tricks and much more. Get it now! It's FREE when you subscribe to our No-Cost E-zine filled with Internet marketing tips. Info: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Sexist Jokes ################ ** Comparing Men and Women: Nicknames ======== If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. Eating Out ======== When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Money ===== A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. Bathrooms ======== A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Arguments ======== A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Cats === Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Future ===== A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. Success ====== A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Marriage ====== A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. Dressing Up ======== A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. Natural ===== Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. Offspring ======= Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. _____________ From dawildthing! ----------------------- ===== An Extraordinary Offer For Men Who Care About Their Health Try a FREE trial issue of the acclaimed resource Men's Health. Every issue is loaded with information you can use to live healthy and enjoy life. Click Below! At: Click HERE ===== ===== Low-Fat Living You've tried everything in the past - painful starvation diets, all-day workout sessions, and nothing seems to work. Why? You've been trying too hard. Starving yourself isn't natural; instead, work with your body to fight fat. You'll have more energy, fit into your favorite jeans, and feel healthier! Simply tell your body to "Stop Making Fat" and "Start Burning Fat Like Never Before", and watch as the unwanted pounds melt away. We'll show you how...click below to see the De-FAT-inator! and we'll send you the secrets of automatic fat control right away! At: Click HERE ===== +=- "You Know You're" Jokes: ####################### ** You Know You're a dog when.. Dog Property Laws ===========
+=- "How To" Advice Jokes ####################### ** How To Handle Awkward Customers... An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. ______________ From dawildthing! ------------------------- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FREE Books & Money Making Assistance with us.... # 1 business opportunity that will actually build your main program & gives you another income source too. http://atgroundzero.com/gz/ You are invited to join us! Mailto:GZaps@aol.com?subject=success ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) <>=- Stupid Quote Jokes: ################### ** The winning Stupid Quotes from 7 to 12... 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) ______________ From Holdsworth! ------------------------- +=- Childrens Jokes: ################## ** What do you call a cow that's had a calf? - DeCALFinated!! ** Why did Cinderella get thrown out of the football team? - Because she kept running away from the ball!! ===== Catholic Digest Want a close family? Plenty of good friends? Good health? Happiness? Laughter? Joy? Inspiration? Catholic Digest will enrich your life. Try a FREE ISSUE of Catholc Digest, plus reserve your FREE gift, "All About Angels". At: Click HERE ===== ===== Fast Company Magazine Get a FREE TRIAL ISSUE of Fast Company! A special, exceptional Internet offer from the magazine that gives you the resources to help you work: more creatively, productively and profitably. At: Click HERE ===== +=- Yo Mama Jokes: ################ ** Yo Mama so stupid she got bit by a dead dog ** Yo Mama so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed. ** Yo Mama so ugly she walked by the toilet and it flushed. ** Yo Mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car _________ From Jtjdt! --------------- Too Much Stuff? Free Internet Auctions! Utrade features thousands of items at auction. Collectibles, Beanie Babies, Furby, Golf Clubs, Sporting Goods, Jewelry, Sports Cards and more. Free Auctions for Sellers! Buyers always Free. http://www.utrade.com/index.htm?MessageID=36935 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) +=- Tasteless Jokes: ################### ** After all the fuss about Melissa Virus, several new ones have been identified.. Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. Kenneth Starr Virus: Competely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer. Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out. Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files. Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted. Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down. Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy. Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack. Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows. Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory. _______________ From dawildthing! -------------------------- FREE ADVERTISING! Your own FFA LINKS PAGE at http://www.FantasticLinks.com/SG1009 Go add your link on my page and then make your own, complete with banner. All FREE!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe@jokeemail.freeservers.com To unsubscribe: queequak@aol.com - "Unsubscribe" in title ========================================= Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, please send an email to: Advertinfo@jokeemail.com ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@jokeemail.com --------- Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly! ------- This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
