JOKE EMAIL

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CONTENTS
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• The Starter
• General Jokes
• On a Sign Jokes
• Redneck Jokes
• Blonde Jokes
• Sexist Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Tasteless Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
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** There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said,
"We're going to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said,
"We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said,
"We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer.
"By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
___________________
From sugar x <>(*_*)<>
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*=- On a Sign Jokes:
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Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
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Illiterate? Write for free information.

*=- Career Jokes:
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
____________________
From sugar x <>(*_*)<>
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*=- Animal Jokes:
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** Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break slowly got off his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
___________________
From sugar x <>(*_*)<>
=================

*=- Sexist Jokes:
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** 50 Facts about Women : 26-50

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man a women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man- language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"


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*=- Sport Jokes:
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** Sporting Misquotes

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
(David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)

"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)

*=-Childrens Jokes:
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** What musical instrument do Spanish fishermen play? - Cast-a-nets!!

** What do ghosts eat for dinner? - Spook-ghetti!!

** What do eskimos sing at parties? - Freeze a jolly good fellow..!!

** Man: Doctor, Doctor. My wife thinks she's a clock!
Doctor: Well stop winding her up then!!