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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WANTED! People who want to start their own mail order business 3 days from now... for less than $10! How?... Follow the Welcome to Cajun Country Candies banner at... http://www.jimnelson.net Do it Now! www.jimnelson.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 4, No. 1 March 15th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://jokeemail.freeservers.com http://members.aol.com/queequak/JokeEmail.htm ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 2218 150 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== According to an MSNBC report from the Wall Street Journal, advertising rates FELL 5.6% to a new *low* of $35.13 to reach a thousand individuals...!!! Well, Joke Email is still ONLY $10 for ONE week ($5 per 1000 views), and the LONGER you advertise, the CHEAPER it gets!! :-))) +++++++++++++++++++++ THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 50,000+ views - 25 WEEKS Advertising for just $150 - That's JUST THREE DOLLARS per 1000 views!!! 10 times LESS than the Net Average!! - Everyone can afford 3 dollars!! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.freeservers.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
*=- The STARTER: ################# ** Well, the funniest joke this week was the heavyweight fight! Lewis won it for sure, but this was only slightly funnier than Monica's swift exit at a London book-signing. Well, on with the jokes.. :-)) FREE JOKES!!! Former Bob Hope script writer Bob Mills publishes M-F e-zine with gags from politically incorrect to tasteless, plus backstage Hope Show stories and movie reviews from a certified Hollywood insider. Sample: http://home.switchboard.com/funnysideup Subscribe: http://funnysideup.listbot.com/ or e-mail jokesmith@msn.com Subj: "Gags" for daily version or "Best of" for weekly only edition. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-)
How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ** An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman......no charges were filed. ___________________ From sugar x <>(*_*)<> ================= ===== COOLSAVINGS Print real coupons from your own computer. Free Membership Today! CLICK below to enroll for BIG savings from your favorite stores, restaurants, and travel companies. It's FREE and your privacy is guaranteed! Join over a million other smart shoppers and print real coupons from your own computer. New companies and new offers show up all the time. Click HERE ===== ===== The Yamaha Keyboard Sweeps Breakthrough Yamaha XG technology extends General MIDI standards with hundreds of additional voices, plus voice editing, digital effects and other advanced features. Over 690 Superb Digital Voices. Choose from 200 panel voices and 12 complete drum kits, plus an additional 480 XG voices. Enter NOW! IT'S FREE!!! Click HERE ===== THINKING ABOUT DEVELOPING AN INTERNET INCOME? FREE! "The SuperTips Book of Internet Marketing"... packed with great ideas for advertising, marketing, bringing visitors to your website, ingenious tricks and much more. Get it now! It's FREE when you subscribe to our No-Cost E-zine filled with Internet marketing tips. Info: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) <>=- On a Sign Jokes: ################# Seen on a bumper sticker: "Assassins Inc. We aim to please. We never miss an appointment." ------------------ Car wash: "Attention foreign cars - we use imported water." ------------------ In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan: "Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection" You Think they should have threatened an enema! ------------------ On a delivery truck from an egg farm: "Better laid than ever." ------------------ On a clinical microbiology lab door: "Staph only." ------------------ On a sign in a Little Rock suburb outside their home: "Anybody found here at night WILL be A BODY found here in the morning." ------------------ Sign on a tree on a ski mountain in Colorado: "Warning: Do not ski into tree." ------------------ Outside a restaurant in Beijing: "New York Style Chinese food" ------------------ In a restaurant in Provincetown, MA on Cape Cod: The two bathrooms signs read: "Either" and "Or". ------------------ ===== INCREASE SALES IMMEDIATELY BY ACCEPTING CREDIT CARDS FROM YOUR CUSTOMERS! If you don't accept credit cards, you should - it's the single most important way to increase sales. And if you do accept cards and are unhappy with your current merchant account provider, request free information from EMG Global, right here online. Click HERE ===== ===== $100,000 Giveaway Enter now to win the $100,000 Giveaway. One lucky subscriber may win it! Click HERE ===== <>=- Redneck Jokes: ####################### ** Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) <>=- Blonde Jokes: ################ ** The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!" FREE NEWSLETTER: Bodyatlas Health News Get the latest health information from worldwide experts for all ages and stages delivered weekly: men, women, children, nutrition, parenting, fitness, and much more. Discover the fastest growing resource for worldwide health news. Subscribe now at http://www.bodyatlas.com/newsindex.html Get the latest issue from mailto:newsletter@bodyatlas.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) <>=- Sexist Jokes: ################### ** 50 FACTS ABOUT WOMEN 1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control. 2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. 3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand". 4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them. 5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say. 7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. 8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need. 9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. 10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people. 11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. 12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling. 13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch. 14. Women think all beer is the same. 15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. 16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. 17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. 18. Women brush their hair before bed. 19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed. 20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling. 21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple? 22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?" 23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. ===== Fast Company Magazine Get a FREE TRIAL ISSUE of Fast Company! A special, exceptional Internet offer from the magazine that gives you the resources to help you work: more creatively, productively and profitably. Click HERE ===== ===== Earn real money when you respond to online offers. CyberGold finds advertisers who value your attention and will pay you for it. Respond to offers and get real money you can spend: - credit your VISA card - deposit it in your bank account - donate it to a non-profit - or spend it online Your personal information is never given out without your permission. Click HERE ===== ** It's great to be a guy because.. 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. All your orgasms are real. 4. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 5. You don't have to shave below your neck. 6. One mood, all the time. 7. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 9. Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo rental: $75 10. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. FREE REPORT! Receive the actual email ad copy that I used to generate $13,500 in orders in 90 minutes without spamming anyone. mailto:planetall@davidledoux.com?subject=AWEBER-TE or visit http://www.davidledoux.com/newsletter.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3) <>=- Children's Jokes: ###################### ** What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderwear ** What did the peanut say to the cashew nut when he lost his wallet? Aah NUTS! ** What do you get when you bake a cake in a pan? Pancakes! ** What do you get when you cut a banana in half? A banana split! ** Why did the Tomcat join computer classes? To catch a mouse! =====> COMPLETE MARKETING SYSTEM!! <======= EVERYTHING you need to SUCEED! SID NETWORK!!----The Head Honcho! The Team Leader! PRIZELINK----GIVE AWAY CASH from your website! MARKETER'S DREAM---All the Marketing TOOLS you will ever need! CASHLINKS!---Fully Automated Mall with 20+ programs! INSTANT DETAILS pjl@smartbot.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4) <>=- Tasteless Jokes ################## ** A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
