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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WANTED! People who want to start their own mail order business 3 days from now... for less than $10! How?... Follow the Welcome to Cajun Country Candies banner at... http://www.jimnelson.net Do it Now! www.jimnelson.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) JOKE EMAILKeeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 3, No. 10 March 8th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://jokeemail.freeservers.com http://members.aol.com/queequak/JokeEmail.htm ==================================== SUBSCRIBERS = 2063 237 Subscribers joined last week! =========================================================== According to an MSNBC report from the Wall Street Journal, advertising rates FELL 5.6% to a new *low* of $35.13 to reach a thousand individuals...!!! Well, Joke Email is still ONLY $10 for ONE week ($5 per 1000 views), and the LONGER you advertise, the CHEAPER it gets!! :-))) +++++++++++++++++++++ THIS WEEKS SPECIAL... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 50,000+ views - 25 WEEKS Advertising for just $150 - That's JUST THREE DOLLARS per 1000 views!!! 10 times LESS than the Net Average!! - Everyone can afford 3 dollars!! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.freeservers.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============
*=- The STARTER: ################# ** So Monica did her interviews. I missed the better one - had to endure a rigorous Jon Snow interrogation rather than watch Babs Walters skin her alive... Still, jokeemail.com on it's way soon, but the competition has been launched today. The details are in the Joke Email Competition supplement sent out today as well. Talking about massive events... the heavyweight title unification thing is on Saturday - Lewis or Holyfield?? Hmm..... Have a funny week.... :--)) Is your family rushed? Feeling like you're always "on the go"? Do you wish you had more "quality time" with your children? Would you like help changing conversations from telling kids things to talking and sharing with them? If so, perhaps you'd be interested in some free resources and a $2 booklet for families. Check it out! http://www.angelfire.com/nc/ParentingStuff/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-)
How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) ===== BrainPlay Sweeps One lucky winner will receive a Home Entertainment Center. 50" Projection TV, DVD Player, Mini Audio System, Gaming System, Sony Playstation, Dual Shock PiranhaPad, 15-Block Memory Card and $1200 in Gift Certificates. At: http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/brain.htm Or Click HERE ===== ===== THE MOST REWARDING PAGE ON THE WEB. LITERALLY. Prolaunch launches you to a different web site which matches your interests PLUS you can earn "Launch Points" which are redeemable for frequent flyer miles, gift certificates and many other rewards. It's free. It's easy. It's private. And it pays...you! Sign up today at.... http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/plaunch.htm Or Click HERE ===== <>=- Animal Jokes ######################### ** A dog walks into a butchers shop, spends a number of minutes looking at the meat on display, and eventually indicates with a nod of his head and a bark that he would like some lamb chops. The butcher, thinking the dog would know no better, starts to wrap the worst lamb chops in the shop. The dog barks furiously and continues to bark until the butcher selects the finest chops from the display counter. The butcher weighs the meat and asks the dog for £5.90. Again, the dog barks furiously until the butcher reduces the bill to the correct price of £3.60. The dog hands over a five pound note and the butcher gives him 40p in change. Once again, the dog barks continuously until the butcher tenders the correct change. The dog then picks up his package and leaves the shop. Now the butcher is extremely impressed and decides that he would like to own this clever pooch so he shuts up shop and follows the dog. After ten minutes or so, the dog climbs the steps to an old Victorian terraced house. When he gets to the top, he shakes his head as though in frustration, gently places the package of meat on the floor and, standing on his hind legs, rings the doorbell. Presently, a man opens the door and proceeds to shout and threaten the dog. The horrified butcher leaps up the steps and begs the man to stop saying that he was shouting at an extremely intelligent dog. He then went on to explain how the dog had procured the best lamb chops in the shop, insisted on paying the advertised price and quibbled over incorrect change! The man looked at the butcher and said: "Intelligent he may be, but this is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys". ___________________________ From Comic Relief online at www.rednoseday.beeb.com. Drop in to make a donation.. ** Two Irish prisoners broke out of prison some years ago. The guards chased them with dogs. As the dogs drew nearer Pat said he'd climb a tree so his mate climbed another. The dogs arrived at Pat's tree and started barking... " Who's up there?" shouted the guards " Meow" came the reply "Oh, it's only a cat" the guards said and pushed the dogs on. They came to the second tree and the dogs started barking again. " Who's up there?" shouted the guards again " It's another cat" came down the reply. THINKING ABOUT DEVELOPING AN INTERNET INCOME? FREE! "The SuperTips Book of Internet Marketing"... packed with great ideas for advertising, marketing, bringing visitors to your website, ingenious tricks and much more. Get it now! It's FREE when you subscribe to our No-Cost E-zine filled with Internet marketing tips. Info: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) <>=- Clinton Jokes: ################# ** Anagrams of Monica Lewinsky... In comes a winkly Cane smokin Wily Mince in low-sky (Chinese version) ===== First Source Lending If you own a home, even with little or no equity, we can help you: eliminate credit card debt, lock in low interest rates, get money quickly for any reason, pay college tuition, take a vacation, fix up your home or pay off your taxes. We've helped thousands of people get out of debt. For 12 years, First Source has been helping people solve their money problems and afford the things they want. We are a "direct lender" which means you deal directly with us. Even if you don't have equity in your property and your bank has turned you down, we can probably help you! Don't wait another moment, apply on-line now! At: http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/1stsourc.htm Or Click HERE ===== ===== Millenium Cruise Sweeps Enter Now to win the Party Cruise of the Century! Enjoy an 8 day Carribean Cruise for Four! Ports of Call: Miami, Key West, Cozumel, Ocho Rio, Playa Del Carmen and Coco Cay. Click Below to Party into the New Millenium. It's FREE!!! At: http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/millen.htm Or Click HERE ===== <>=- Quote Jokes: ################# ** Jerry Springer in an interview with Paula Yates: "I don't like cocaine, I just like the way it smells!" FREE JOKES!!! Former Bob Hope script writer Bob Mills publishes M-F e-zine with gags from politically incorrect to tasteless, plus backstage Hope Show stories and movie reviews from a certified Hollywood insider. Sample: http://home.switchboard.com/funnysideup Subscribe: http://funnysideup.listbot.com/ or e-mail jokesmith@msn.com Subj: "Gags" for daily version or "Best of" for weekly only edition. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) <>=- Preacher Jokes: ####################### ** A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!" ------------ SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-) ----------------- Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious. For a FREE subscription, send mailto:mouthtev@be-ahead.com with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) <>=- You Know You're Jokes: ################## ** You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.... 1) The doors are never locked. 2) The Call to Worship is ,"Y'all come on in!" 3) People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark. 4) The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and five guys stand up. 5) The restroom is outside. 6) Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday. 7) A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of". 8) In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves." 9) Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables. 10) When it rains, everybody's smiling. 11) Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service. 12) A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale." 13) The church directory doesn't have last names. 14) The pastor wears boots. 15) Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday. 16) The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their Neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash. 17) There is no such thing as a "secret'' sin. 18) Baptism is referred to as "branding.'' 19) There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank. 20) Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable. 21) You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health. 22) High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling. 23) People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. 24) It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there. 25) The final words, of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!" FREE NEWSLETTER: Bodyatlas Health News Get the latest health information from worldwide experts for all ages and stages delivered weekly: men, women, children, nutrition, parenting, fitness, and much more. Discover the fastest growing resource for worldwide health news. Subscribe now at http://www.bodyatlas.com/newsindex.html Get the latest issue from mailto:newsletter@bodyatlas.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(5) <>=- Sexist Jokes #################### ** With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.... DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents." COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides. FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra. PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors." LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions ** Why it's great to be a guy... 1) When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying. 2) You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go. 3) You can go to the bathroom alone. 4) Your last name stays put. 5) You can leave a hotel room bed unmade. 6) You can kill your own food. FREE REPORT! Receive the actual email ad copy that I used to generate $13,500 in orders in 90 minutes without spamming anyone. mailto:planetall@davidledoux.com?subject=AWEBER-TE or visit http://www.davidledoux.com/newsletter.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) Children's Jokes: ###################### ** How did the frog cross the road? - He used the Green Cross Toad! ** Where's Hadrian's Wall? - In front of Hadrian's house! ** What's a hedgehogs favourite food? - Prickled Onions!! ===== WorldPrints Register Now and get one year of FREE Wallpaper for your Computer. We'll e-mail you Weekly with New Images. Choose From... o National Geographic o Life Magazine o Museum Collections and Much More!! At: http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/wprints.htm Or Click HERE ===== ===== A SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY ONLY FOR FOCUSED AND SEROIUS ENTREPRENEURS -- * NOT * A GET RICH QUICK SCHEME! If you want to earn to $5,000 weekly within a month, have a flexible schedule, maximum cash flow, a huge profit margin and more, click here today. This is not a hobby -- serious inquiries only for our popular and successful mentor program. At: http://www.get-it-for-free.com/queequak/rma.htm Or Click HERE ===== Get motivated with UnCommon Courtesy & Coaching's FREE motivational newsletter! Subscribe at mailto:subscriptions@uncommoncourtesy.com. Our company specializes in motivational services and products, as well as interpersonal-skills building techniques. Check out our motivational bookstore at http://www.uncommoncourtesy.com. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) <>=- Blonde Jokes: ################## ** So Blonde that . . . 1) ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. 2) ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. 3) ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics". 4) ...she tripped over a cordless phone. 5) ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put "Sagittarius" 6) ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. 7) ...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. 8) ...she studied for a blood test - and failed. 9) ...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. 10) ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
