JOKE EMAIL

============
CONTENTS
============

• The Starter
• General Jokes
• Seinfeld Jokes
• How to Advice Jokes
• Sexist Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Television Jokes
• Tasteless Jokes
• Lawyer Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
######################

** A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"


** Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

*=- Seinfeld Jokes:
######################

** Seinfeldisms

1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. What's another word for thesaurus?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
23. Is there another word for synonym?
24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
28. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
29. Why do they report power outages on TV?
30. Is there a cure for people who think up lists like this one?

*=- "How To" Advice Jokes:
######################

** How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace:-

1. Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
2. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyonehas got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
3. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
4. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windscreen wipers running in all weather conditions "To keep 'em tuned up."
5. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
6. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
7. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area, and insist to others that you "Like it that way."
8. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

*=- Sexist Jokes: About Men
######################

** How many men to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to collect the medal.

** Man forgives woman anything, save the wit to outwit him.

** When woman makes a fool of a man it's usually an improvement.

Q. Why have men made such a mess of this world?
A. They're waiting for women to pick up after them.

** The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.

Q. What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
A. A widower.

** Boys will be boys, but one day all girls will be women.

** He's the kind of bore who's here today and here tomorrow.

** There is no great men. There are only men.

*=- Sexist Jokes: About Women
######################

** How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, let her do the dishes in the dark.

*=- Childrens Jokes:
######################

** What wobbles, can be eaten, and sits in a pram? - A jelly-baby!!

** Have you heard the tale of the brick wall? - I couldn't tell you, you'd never get over it!!

*=- Television Jokes:
######################

** These are the *actual* answers given on the English gameshow "Family Fortunes":-

• Name something a blind person might use - A sword
• Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
• Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
• Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
• Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde
• Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
• Name something that floats in the bath - Water
• Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
• Name something Red - My cardigan
• Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
• Name a famous royal - Mail
• Name a number you have to memorize - 7
• Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep
• Name something you put on walls - Roofs
• Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
• Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
• Name something you might be allergic to - Skiing
• Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
• Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
• Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
• Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
• Name something associated with the police - Pigs
• Name a sign of the zodiac - April
• Name something slippery - A conman
• Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
• Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
• Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
• Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
• Name something with a hole in it - Window
• Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
• Name a domestic animal - Leopard
• Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
• Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
• Name something you open other than a door - Your bowels

*=- Tasteless Jokes:
######################

** Ever heard one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep."

"Uh, yeah...hello.. this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

*=- Lawyer Jokes:
######################

** A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.
He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."
And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."