JOKE EMAIL

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CONTENTS
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• The Starter<
• Christmas Jokes
• General Jokes
• Animal Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Little Johnnie Jokes
• You Know You're Jokes

*=- Christmas Jokes:
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** What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? - It was wound up already.

** What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? - Claustrophobic.

** What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? - Pour Santa flush on him.

** What do snowmen eat for breakfast? - Snowflakes.

** Why does Santa have 3 gardens? - So he can ho-ho-ho.

** Why was Santa's little helper depressed? - Because he had low elf esteem.

** What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.

** What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? - Ribbon hood.

** What's the most popular wine at Christmas? - "I don't like sprouts" !

*=- General Jokes:
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** At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."


** "Jill", a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.


** The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit.
However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing- eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly.
As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical!
Finally, when the airplane has only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"

*=- Animal Jokes:
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** Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task. "Go and clean out the aquarium" he was told.
Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do. "Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything". So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now.
He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions. "Dont worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything". So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage.
Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died.
"I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage. The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks. "Fine" comes the reply from one lion. "And whats the food like?" she asks.
"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".

*=- Childrens Jokes:
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** What is ET's favourite year? - 19 ET 3 !!

** What alien has the best hearing? - The eeriest!!

** What did the invisible girl want to be when she grew up? - A gone-gone dancer!!

*=- Little Johnnie Jokes:
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** A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

*=- You Know You're Jokes:
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** You Know You're Gonner Annoy Your Roommate This Christmas when:

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.
2. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."
11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"
16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.
17. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."