JOKE EMAIL

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CONTENTS
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• The Starter<
• General Jokes
• Political Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Driving Jokes
• Little Johnnie Jokes
• You Know You're Jokes
• Totally Tasteless Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
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(N.B. A45 and M6 are major roads in Britain)
**A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says, "Oi. barman, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm hard. I come from the A45 and lorries and cars drive over me all day but I don't give a damn"!
Trembling, the barman pours him a pint and gives it to him.
Ten minutes later another piece of black tarmac walks in and shouts, "You, bartender, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm as hard as rock. I come off the M6 and have thousands of cars, trailers, juggernauts and caravans riding over me all day, but I couldn't give a damn cos I'm so tough.
The barman nervously pours him a pint.
Ten minutes later a piece of red tarmac walks in, sits at the bar and orders an orange juice. The two black pieces of tarmac get up and looking mighty frightened run into the toilet. The barman follows them in and says,
"What's going on, I thought you two was hard, why are you afraid of that little piece of red tarmac in there". One of the pieces of black tarmac replies timidly,
"Are you kidding, he's a Cyclepath".


** A Smartie and a Rolo are in a bar and they start talking. The Rolo says to the Smartie, "I'm soft on the outside and soft on the inside so everybody beats me up." The Smartie replied, "Well I'm soft on the inside but well 'ard on the outside, I'll make sure nobody lays a finger on you, nobody can take me on" Just after the Smartie finishes talking a Tune walks into the bar and the Smartie craps himself and runs into the toilets, where he stays until the Tune leaves. When he comes out he finds the Rolo lying squashed on the floor and it says to him,
"I thought you were well 'ard and you was going to protect me!!! You said you'd beat up anybody"
The Smartie said the Rolo, "Not that Tune he's menthyl !"


**Local doctors have found a cure for water on the brain. - All it takes is a tap on the head.!!


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*=- Political Jokes:
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**Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?
A: You never leave home.


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*=- Childrens Jokes:
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**What wobbles when it flies? - A Jelly-Copter!!

**What's yellow and swings from one Christmas cake to another? - Tarzipan!!

** What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog? - A croaker spaniel!!

** What's the difference between a witch and a deer? - One's a stunted hag, the other's a hunted stag!!


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*=- Driving Jokes:
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**A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"


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*=- Little Johnnie Jokes:
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** Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," she replied as she began to remove the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"

*=- You Know You're Jokes:
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Top 20 ways that You Know You're a Redneck:

• 20) You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
• 19) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• 18) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
• 17) You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
• 16) Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
• 15) You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
• 14) You have a rag for a gas cap.
• 13) You have a hefty bag where the passenger side window of your car should be.
• 12) You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
• 11) Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
• 10) You have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.
• 9) Your family tree has no branches.
• 8) Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
• 7) You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
• 6) You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
• 5) You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
• 4) Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
• 3) Your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
• 2) Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

• 1) Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.